Mum's first birthday with out mum
Yesterday would have been mum's 58th birthday. But she never lived to see it. We, my brother and I, had always celebrated her birthday. A lunch or dinner outside at her favourite restaurant. We would have done the same this year. But she wasn't there.
All my life, I was always the first one to wish her Happy Birthday. I used to start singing (or screaming to be precise)'Happy Birthday to you' the moment the clock would strike 12. A big bear hug would follow. I remember how she used to chide me for creating a racket in the middle of the night but she used to enjoy it nonetheless. Her smile would never leave her face. Her ever beautiful smile which lightened up her whole face.
I was always with her, on all of her birthdays. Always by her side. Even when it was just the two of us, we always managed to have a good time. I was there this year too, but she wasn't.
I remember she was in the hospital on her birthday last year. I was there with her and wished the same way I used to. She chided by saying you will wake up all the patients. I had said its ok, its your birthday after all. I could have never imagined it would be her last birthday with me. Even with cancer, I just couldn't imagine that she would leave me. We had planned to celebrate her birthday in the hospital but mum refused and had said we'll celebrate it once we get back home. But that never happened. I so wish I wouldn't have listened to mum that day. I so wish we could have celebrated it then and there only.
Words can't even come close to describing how I felt yesterday. I couldn't even get out of the bed. I was too overwhelmed with grief. I couldn't sleep the whole night since mum's birthday would start by my wishes. But this year it didn't and I just couldn't bear it. I cried all day until I just couldn't. I went to visit her in the graveyard. Instead of hugging her, I hugged her gravestone and wished her happy birthday. I hope she listened.
This was the first time ever that I wasn't with her on her birthday. It breaks my heart when I think she'll never be around for her birthdays anymore. Why did she have to leave me so soon ? I so wish I had gone with her too.