My #1 Son - Alan

by Kerri
(Warwick, RI)

Me and My #1 Son Alan

Me and My #1 Son Alan

Alan was the first born of my two sons, so he always referred to himself as my '#1 son'. A greeting card from him always ended with something like 'I love you Ma, always and forever. Your #1 Son, Alan xoxo'. How I treasure these cards now.

Alan, at 28, was struggling with a terrible drug addiction, had been for several years, but in 2011 things got better, and then worse. Alan entered a 90 day rehab program in early April, began taking methadone, and for the first time in a long time I had my real Alan back. He wrote me beautiful letters, called whenever he could, and eagerly awaited our weekend visits. Alan got out on July 11, and the future looked bright. He had a lot to do to get his life back in order but we were both hopeful and determined. I won't get into the details of what happened over the summer since I don't know that anything would be different had certain events not occurred, but by late August Alan was using drugs again, in addition to the methadone. On September 1 Alan left the house on foot and my nightmare began. When he wasn't home on September 2, I started calling his cell phone repeatedly. A voice in my head kept saying over and over, 'he would call, he would call'. Alan never wanted me to worry and would always call. By September 3 I was in a panic, and began putting up missing posters, offering a reward. I followed up on every tip; my heart would soar when someone said they saw him here, or saw him there. But I kept saying, he would call me! How can my son be hanging around somewhere and not call me? On September 10 Alan's body was found in the woods, not far from the house. My son had died of an overdose, alone in the woods, and had been there for 9 days - he had died before I even knew he was missing. The medical examiner said she was sure he had died the day he went missing due to a number of factors. I told her not to hold anything back from me - I am his mother. Because of certain conditions, Alan was partially in water, it was early September and still pretty warm, and the animal activity (Oh Dear God), my son's body was partially skelatenized and we had to provide dental records in order to make a positive identification. Although his wallet with license was with him, it was not enough to say for sure. Fingerprints and tattoos were not an option either. I am so consumed with sadness, guilt, rage and loss that I don't even feel part of society anymore. I'm on the outside looking in at other people, not relating to how they carry on with life so effortlessly. I hear people complain about a damaged car, a fight with their spouse, losing money in the stock market and it maddens me because they don't know lucky they really are. I'd take on all of that and more just for one more day.

Comments for My #1 Son - Alan

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Apr 25, 2012
My #1 and only baby brother
by: Anonymous

Although I cannot relate to the pain of losing a child, I can certainly relate to the pain of losing the one person who knew me the most...my 32 year old baby brother who died of a methadone overdose the day after Thanksgiving in 2011. I too cannot fathom how life is just supposed to go on. I listen to such petty conversations and complaints and think to myself "are you kidding? Lose a piece of your soul then tell me about your ridiculous problems." They say time heals all wounds...right. Whoever said that didn't lose a baby brother. He's gone and will never be here again to say hello. I am now an only child and will live through losing my parents one day...alone. My other half is gone and nothing will ever replace the void in my heart. I miss you, Josh. So so much.

Jan 01, 2012
my son
by: Anonymous

my "son and heir" took his own life on 9 december 2011. left home on pretext of getting a haircut. was found two days later in the car..loved him to bits as he did me . I am heartbroken am so sorry that he was in so much pain but could not tell me bout it

Oct 22, 2011
My darling son died of such similar circumstances
by: April

Dear Keri, my son Austin was found in the river after being missing for 28 days. He had started using bath salts. I didn't know it, because he went to work everyday. He & his brother lived together, & Aaron, his older brother didn't even know. After he was missing his girlfriend told us. I hoped the whole 28 days he was in rehab. I knew on my birthday when he didn't call me he was gone. Three days later I got the call from the Sheriffs Dept. They had found his body in the river. I know you can imagine how horrible that was. I miss him everyday & night. I am in tears as I write this to you. My heart is with you. Please email if you can. Maybe we can help each other. jaenloe@sbcglobal.net.

Oct 20, 2011
me too
by: Anonymous

Kerri....add me to the group who has lost a son. Dimitri was 23 and died of leukemia 14 months ago. He fought his illness for two long years and I was by his side the entire time. He was so brave and endured so much and in the end he died in my arms. I sang a lullaby to him as he died that I sang to him when he was a baby. Over the last year I've attempted to put my life back together but it's been a struggle. Nothing really matters much to me except for my remaining children. I have no interest in "getting ahead" anymore. I just live one day at a time waiting for the day when I will be reunited with him. The first year was tough because I had to face all of the "firsts". This second year is worse because it has really begun to hit me that Dimitri is gone....forever....never.coming.back.....and I have to live the remainder of my life missing him. I'm so sorry about your son. I'm sure it is a living nightmare for you. We never want our beautiful beloved children to suffer. I think we suffer more than they do when we know they are hurting. I don't know if you have a Compassionate Friends group near you but they have saved my life so far. I go once a month and talk with other parents who have lost a child. They all understand and that's priceless. I also go to their facebook page often to vent my grief and to know that I don't walk this journey alone. Sending lots of hugs to you and your family.

Oct 20, 2011
My son was named Alan too
by: maureen

Kerri My son passed Oct 10 of last year from an accidental overdose after being in recovery. I feel your pain. His name was Alan and he was my first born son also. One year later the pain has softened but I miss him just as much. There is no way around this awful pain of grief you have to go threw it and some days you just have to go through it one moment at a time. My son was in Attelboro when he passed which is near RI I am from Mass.If you want to contact me privately my email is mohun40@aol.com You are in my prayers

Oct 20, 2011
Lost my brother ...the youngest...
by: Anonymous

I LOST MY BROTHER SEPTEMBER 3, 2011..HE NEVER DID HEROINE EVER IN HIS LIFE...BUT ENDED UP DYING OF A METHADONE OVERDOSE??? MY BROTHER WAS IN REHAB FOR 3 MONTHS FOR ALCOHOL AND NEVER DRANK FOR OVER 9 MONTHS....SO TO END UP DYING WITHIN THAT YEAR OF AN OVERDOSE OF SOMEONES PRESCRIBED METHADONE....IS BEYOND ME...MY BROTHER OF 44 WAS STRONG LIKE BULL AND DOING VERY WELL...HE STARTED TO DRINK IN SEPTEMBER AGAIN..AND I GUESS WAS AT THE WRONG PLACE AT THE WRONG TIME...I CAN'T SEEM TO GET MY HEAD AROUND IT .... I THOUGHT HE WAS SMARTER THAN THAT..
I MISS HIM TERRIBLY...

Oct 20, 2011
My Number 1 and Only Son
by: Sara in Texas

I am so very sorry for your loss. I know these are not very comforting, they weren't for me. Your situation is the same as mine. My son relapsed on heroin and overdosed on June 2, 2011. He was 31.his birthday is this Sat. the 22nd. I am so very sorry the way your son was found. My husband and I ALWAYS worried about him when he would not call or come home. Your situation is so tragic that I could never begin to say something that probably would not comfort you anyway. I do understand the pain and torment you are going through. A mother's grief is the most painful of all. From God they came to us first, and that bond shall never break.






















Oct 20, 2011
I love you Jimmy
by: Glori

Dear Kerri,
I feel your grief, I also lost my oldest (#1 son) on may 5 of this year. I have the same kind of cards that I will treasure for my lifetime. He had left the house that day on his motorcycle. He was at the bar that night w/friends. I know he had been drinking. Police said accident happened about 2:30am. He was not found until after 6:30. We didn't find out til almost 9am. He had hit a telephone pole. Coroner said he passed instantly. I still think of him laying there all night alone. The grief is sometimes too hard to bear. He was 34 but I always said, "34 going on 18!" Big lovable teddy bear. Very free w/his hugs, kisses & I love you mom!! Everyone loved him. His father, brother, sister & I grieve for him everyday. Keep waiting for him to walk in the door. Wish I could say it gets easier. Maybe it will someday.... My thoughts are w/you. I am one of the people who can say I know how you feel & mean it. Take care of yourself for your other children. I know they are hurting too. One day at a time......

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