My 1st born, my son!!!

by Monica

It has been over 2 years since I lost my son to an accidental over dose of Zanax he was 30 yrs old. He left behind 2 beautiful daughters and 1 son. It wasn't his time to go I keep telling my self. "It should of been me". I am so pleased to read about the hole you all feel. I always feel like I'm the only person that has these feelings of emptiness, a hole that no one can fill. I have 2 daughters that cant understand why I would ever want to leave them knowing the pain that losing my son their brother has caused are whole family. It doesn't help that my family blames me for his death. We are no longer as close as we used to be and I haven't spoke to my sisters in 2 years. My mother's boyfriend attempted to sexually assault me 3 months after my son died which caused a strain between my mother and me. I always feel alone and do everything I can not to have a relationship with anyone. Mostly because I keep telling myself "they will never understand the sudden urges to cry, wanting to crawl into bed and not wake up, the pain in my heart and so much more. I smile because that is what is expected of me, I pretend everything is great because no one wants the truth and I exist everyday cause God hasn't taken me yet. My final thoughts; I wish I could see his beautiful smile and hear him say "Mother". His huge arms around me and the way he would kiss my head really hard. The way he would make everyone laugh and the love he showed his children. Rick's birthday is May 23rd he would of been 33 years old. I miss you every second of everyday. This is my story in Michigan.

Comments for My 1st born, my son!!!

Click here to add your own comments

Jun 02, 2014
My sweet boy
by: Anonymous

My 30-year-old son died in his sleep recently. It could have been from a fall and knock to his head, but it was more likely from mixing alcohol and xanax ... his lungs were never very good anyway.
It was such a shock.
And losing him with no warning, made the shock untenable. No chance to say good-bye. No chance for one last hug.
It's been a little over 2 months, and I can tell my family and others think I should be over it.
Yet for me and my younger son, it is just starting.
The first two months, we were both in too much shock.
I have always been a positive person -- that was one of my son's most lovely characteristics too: someone who always came into work in a good mood.
He was such a good guy, good son, good student, good employee. I am so mad he was so cavalier about what mixing a prescription with alcohol could do ... I know he would never intentionally have caused us this pain. But the pain and loss remain nonetheless.
I would do anything to bring him back or join him, yet I know I must find a way to go forward for the younger brother, my youngest son, he left behind.
Does anyone have advice on what can help a mother move forward in a case like this?
I know losing a child of any age is unnatural and gut-wrenching -- losing one to senseless violence or illness or fatal accident so horrific.
But losing a young man, a son you not only love but who has dug such a deep nest in your heart and daily existence ... who has been a part of your life for three decades, who was on the cusp of becoming a true man with love and marriage and family in his future.
The whats-will-not-be break my heart.
I was a single mom. All I truly needed in this life to be happy was my two sons. Everything else seems meaningless now.
I am determined to do my best to help my youngest move forward, but to have to do so and grieve while trying to work and make deadlines and do ordinary tasks makes me want to run off a mountain screaming.
I am sorry to go on and on .. this is the same loop that now plays in my head 24/7.
The hole left behind is bottomless.

May 31, 2014
your son
by: Jolynn

I am terribly sorry about the loss of your dear son. I too lost my 1st born son to a Heroin OD. He started with Oxycontin but when that got too expensive he switched to Heroin. He was a funny, patriotic accomplished, fearless young man. After getting his BA in economics, he joined the Marines to become a fighter pilot. He became an officer at age 23 went on to Pensacola to train for flying. He soloed and got his pilot's license and then fate took a nasty turn. Someone gave him an oxycontin, he liked it, got hooked and when it got too expensive, he switched to Heroin. He got a DUI in Pensacola so they shipped him home and we put him in Betty Ford but before his 3 months were up, he got kicked out for hooking up with a girl. I let them come stay with me but had to put them in a hotel as they started using again. He died 2 days later. He was 26. I have been devastated. He brought sunshine into my life. Thinking of living without ever seeing him again is excruciating. I don't know how we get thru this painful ordeal. Life will never be the same or even truly happy again. Thank you for sharing your story and I wish u peace .

Apr 16, 2014
to Monica
by: Joe's mom

Hi Monica,
Just want you to know I empathize, not sympathize so much, because we share the same pain. I seldom write though I read these posts to get through my worst days. Just want you to know you are not alone and so many of us share the same pain in our hearts you feel in yours right now. Hope that whatever is given in your responses, there might be something that helps a bit, as we all know nothing erases the hurt completely, but sharing and reading seems to soothe me once in a while. Hope and hugs to you, that you find some friends to help you along.

Apr 15, 2014
by: Vickie

Please feel free to email me if you would like. I Do understand your loss...Thank you.

Apr 15, 2014
by: Monica

Thank you all for your comments and support. I couldn't sleep at all last night and I even thought of removing my page. I am not looking for sympathy or pity I am really trying to find people to connect with. I have been able to relate to many of these stories and my heart goes out to you all. May God Bless us all and help us through our journey until we are with our loved ones again.

Apr 15, 2014
by: Anonymous

I also lost a son to an overdose a year ago. It is heartbreaking. And I pray its not worse the 2nd year. I'll love him forever, and miss him every minute.

Apr 15, 2014
felling similar feelings
by: Joe's mom

I am sorry for your loss as like you, I long for my son to hug me and greet me and see his smile. I lost my son 9 months ago and his birthday will be next week...he would have been 34 and my heart still aches when I allow what-ifs to surface. I am lucky as no one blames anyone in our family, just mostly they want me to find happy and do not understand I am still looking for ok most days. The heaviness of passing the first birthday without him is weighing heavier each day. I had the sensation of a hug in my sleep a few months ago and I awoke feeling the warm embrace that comforted me. Music makes me wish and think many days, but a few times, I have been certain I got the message from my son with a song. I hope your family relationships improve and I too work to get through the days of wishing to stay asleep to avoid the reality of my own thoughts. I am having a "can't sleep most nights" phase, but suspect it will pass with his birthday. Hugs to you!

Apr 15, 2014
Our stories are very similar
by: Anonymous

My son Kyle died from an overdose on June 15th, 2012. He od on a pain patch Fentanyl which is a death wish in itself. I no longer relate with any family members just because Im not comfortable being around anyone, I have another son that just stole all my tax refund out of my checking account to supply for himself. I also get up and face each day not because I want to but because I have to. Kyles birthday was Sunday and its just not getting any better at all, if it wasnt for my boyfriend and Kyles daughter, Kyle was my first born and he and I were as close as ever could be, we fought alot because we were exactly alike, its hard to see everyone elses life go on as normal when i hate being here just to survive because thats all Im doing since God hasnt decided to take me yet.
Terri in Hickory, North Carolina

Apr 15, 2014
Your son
by: Kate

This made me cry. Made me think of my son gone 17 months. How I would love to hear him say Mother,hold me in his wonderful embracing hug of love,see his green eyes look at me.......I cry. It is so hard that's all I can say.

Apr 15, 2014
by: Julia

I'm so sorry for your loss, I feel your pain through your words and it reminds me of the pain I feel inside. I lost my relationship of 8 years and I'm still grieving everyday but everyone around me expects me to be happy now because it's been two years but I still cry everyday and I just cry at night when all is quiet and I'm all alone and it's just me and Jesus. I just wanted to tell you that Jesus loves you and he catches every tear of your in a bottle. not one of them is lost.

Apr 15, 2014
Stay Strong...
by: Anonymous

I just wanted to write and tell you it is a very difficult road to be on but sharing your feelings here and with others does help. I don't come here very often now but there was a time when this was my lifeline. I felt very much the way you do, I think most of us do after losing a child. You aren't crazy and it was actually harder the second year. I think most people come to realize that after they get through it. You don't want to tell anyone that it can be even harder the second year. It's So hard as we all know just getting through the days, weeks, etc...I believe the first year we are trying to wrap our minds around our Loss and then in the second year reality sets in. Daily life, routines,etc..

I am sorry that it has brought distance with you and your family. I have had to learn to deal with that myself. It takes time and not everyone will handle it the same. Most people tire of our pain and grief and our children love us but I think they have more hope because they are still at an age where they are building a family. I don't think their is Any pain worse than losing a child.

Keep coming here and don't give up. My life is far from perfect but I have had some decent days and the light does come through the darkness at times. I am able to smile and laugh at times. It has taken time. I still have difficult days and spells but I also have Hope.

God bless you.

Apr 15, 2014
my son
by: cris

I understand your feel I also lost my son 2 years ago in next week he died on Easter day by accident
aspirin and alcohol over dose.
I miss him everyday and cry some times better than first year I cried most every day, my feeling
is getting better that I know I have to move on for my family who care and love me too.
I think he is in better place cause I met him in my dream he said "mom don't worry about me no more I am ok now go home" I woke up with my face all tears
You know They are gone cause They finish their karma this time and now they have to go back for another mission that why everyone have to die some day when time come so please cheer up and live your life for your family they need you
I wish you the best with your life from now

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Adult Child.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!