My alcoholic husband moved on & replaced me without a moments hesitation
I asked my husband of 7 years to move out last year because I had discovered he had been having multiple affairs, for which he has yet to apologize for, and because he was becoming increasingly emotionally & verbally abusive to me. We had 2 children living in our home, his 9 year old son & our 3 1/2 year old daughter who both witnessed some terrible drunken tirades that were getting worse by the week. My husband's drinking had accelerated to an all time high, most nights he would drink just under a case of beer. He wouldn't come home until 9:30 - 10:00 at night, when his other alcoholic running buddy's had to go home or until he ran out of beer. The straw that broke the camel's back came when in the same week he took my car out for a beer run/ joy ride while I was sick in bed one evening. He left the sunroof cracked and it thunder stormed all night. The next morning I strapped our daughter into her car seat & discovered my car was saturated, floorboards, headliner- everything & it was summertime & the heat of the day made the smell unbearable. He agreed to have my car detailed 3 days later to remove the stench/ mess. When he left the detail shop he decided to take my car for another joyride (nothing drives better than a freshly detailed car) & ran my car through a fence row & Did $6,500.00 worth of damage. That was it. I decided I could not live that way anymore. The life I was living wasn't a life. I woke up in the middle of the night 3 - 4 times a week having panic attacks over the drinking/ driving, his irresponsible behavior, worrying about his alcohol induced declining health (what would happen to me & the kids if he died or worse, if he killed someone else) I did not have a husband, the kids did not have a father, just a terrible example of what a parent should never be. I often thought of myself myself as a piece of furniture- useful, sturdy, dependable, low maintenance & something to be dusted off occasionally, but for the most part, used & disregarded. I had discovered the first affair 6 months prior (she was in her 50's and utter trash) my husband was 37, I was 38. Not one time did he ever express any sorrow or regret. Not once. Still hasn't. When I made him leave, like a fool I really believed he would get help with his drinking. I was wrong. All he got was a 'hall pass' to sleep with anyone willing and take a leave of absence in parenting. In the year he's been gone his parents have kept up his joint custody with his son, that is hurting so badly, and good old dependable me has taken care of our daughter & he just lives it up, without conscience, remorse or a backward glance at us. He has a gf that is 33, also an alcoholic & the town slut. My husband is very attractive & she flaunts him around like a trophy. I have pleaded with him to get help,go to AA, go to counseling, go to church with us...anything. He will not consider it. His gf laughs at my pain & makes fun of how I look. I'm not ugly by any means, but am a bit overweight & might fall into the frumpy category, as I have put everyone before myself. I did not mind department store clothes as long as he & the kids had nice things. That's how I showed my love, I would do without so that my family could have....isn't that what loving mom's & wives do, put their loved ones first? Now I'm made fun of for it. I am a loving, thoughtful, witty, & kind christian woman. I work everyday, I am a medical professional, I am thought highly of by most people that know me. However, a year later, I am still devastated. I feel unloveable, worthless, depressed & incredibly alone. The Lord has helped me tremendously through this last year, but still, I cannot get over the fact that I was not of value to someone I gave 10 years of my life to. I was replaced so quickly & the pain & rejection of that is staggering. I feel like only a partial parent to our daughter. A heavy curtain of depression & despair cloaks every day of our lives. The literature I read tells me to take up a hobby, exercise ( I do), focus on my child, don't let him see me sad, immerse myself in gods word ( I do, everyday) but still there are times that I just feel like I cannot go on. I am not suicidal, just so depressed & angry that I feel the future holds little hope for me. I can't go out with friends or socialize much b/c I have no one to help with our daughter ( I can't leave her with an alcoholic father for weekend visits) and we now live with my mom, so I feel I am unable to impose upon her by asking her her baby sit, she's not a kid person anyway. I feel stuck, hopeless & incredibly rejected. I know god allows hurt into our lives to mold us into something better that we were, but it just don't know how much longer I can endure the daily pain & ridicule while constantly having my nose rubbed into his new relationship. When is it enough?