My alcoholic husband moved on & replaced me without a moments hesitation

by Stacy
(Nashville, tn)

I asked my husband of 7 years to move out last year because I had discovered he had been having multiple affairs, for which he has yet to apologize for, and because he was becoming increasingly emotionally & verbally abusive to me. We had 2 children living in our home, his 9 year old son & our 3 1/2 year old daughter who both witnessed some terrible drunken tirades that were getting worse by the week. My husband's drinking had accelerated to an all time high, most nights he would drink just under a case of beer. He wouldn't come home until 9:30 - 10:00 at night, when his other alcoholic running buddy's had to go home or until he ran out of beer. The straw that broke the camel's back came when in the same week he took my car out for a beer run/ joy ride while I was sick in bed one evening. He left the sunroof cracked and it thunder stormed all night. The next morning I strapped our daughter into her car seat & discovered my car was saturated, floorboards, headliner- everything & it was summertime & the heat of the day made the smell unbearable. He agreed to have my car detailed 3 days later to remove the stench/ mess. When he left the detail shop he decided to take my car for another joyride (nothing drives better than a freshly detailed car) & ran my car through a fence row & Did $6,500.00 worth of damage. That was it. I decided I could not live that way anymore. The life I was living wasn't a life. I woke up in the middle of the night 3 - 4 times a week having panic attacks over the drinking/ driving, his irresponsible behavior, worrying about his alcohol induced declining health (what would happen to me & the kids if he died or worse, if he killed someone else) I did not have a husband, the kids did not have a father, just a terrible example of what a parent should never be. I often thought of myself myself as a piece of furniture- useful, sturdy, dependable, low maintenance & something to be dusted off occasionally, but for the most part, used & disregarded. I had discovered the first affair 6 months prior (she was in her 50's and utter trash) my husband was 37, I was 38. Not one time did he ever express any sorrow or regret. Not once. Still hasn't. When I made him leave, like a fool I really believed he would get help with his drinking. I was wrong. All he got was a 'hall pass' to sleep with anyone willing and take a leave of absence in parenting. In the year he's been gone his parents have kept up his joint custody with his son, that is hurting so badly, and good old dependable me has taken care of our daughter & he just lives it up, without conscience, remorse or a backward glance at us. He has a gf that is 33, also an alcoholic & the town slut. My husband is very attractive & she flaunts him around like a trophy. I have pleaded with him to get help,go to AA, go to counseling, go to church with us...anything. He will not consider it. His gf laughs at my pain & makes fun of how I look. I'm not ugly by any means, but am a bit overweight & might fall into the frumpy category, as I have put everyone before myself. I did not mind department store clothes as long as he & the kids had nice things. That's how I showed my love, I would do without so that my family could have....isn't that what loving mom's & wives do, put their loved ones first? Now I'm made fun of for it. I am a loving, thoughtful, witty, & kind christian woman. I work everyday, I am a medical professional, I am thought highly of by most people that know me. However, a year later, I am still devastated. I feel unloveable, worthless, depressed & incredibly alone. The Lord has helped me tremendously through this last year, but still, I cannot get over the fact that I was not of value to someone I gave 10 years of my life to. I was replaced so quickly & the pain & rejection of that is staggering. I feel like only a partial parent to our daughter. A heavy curtain of depression & despair cloaks every day of our lives. The literature I read tells me to take up a hobby, exercise ( I do), focus on my child, don't let him see me sad, immerse myself in gods word ( I do, everyday) but still there are times that I just feel like I cannot go on. I am not suicidal, just so depressed & angry that I feel the future holds little hope for me. I can't go out with friends or socialize much b/c I have no one to help with our daughter ( I can't leave her with an alcoholic father for weekend visits) and we now live with my mom, so I feel I am unable to impose upon her by asking her her baby sit, she's not a kid person anyway. I feel stuck, hopeless & incredibly rejected. I know god allows hurt into our lives to mold us into something better that we were, but it just don't know how much longer I can endure the daily pain & ridicule while constantly having my nose rubbed into his new relationship. When is it enough?

Comments for My alcoholic husband moved on & replaced me without a moments hesitation

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Sep 01, 2014
Thank you
by: Leah

Thanks Doreen....you are so right and I think it is just more hurt that he so obviously moved on so fast while still lying to me which hurts.....I know in my heart AND head that us separating is the best decision for both of us and the children....we don't need to be terrorized anymore....enough is enough. I have to figure out the counselling thing, can't afford it and I start a full time job tomorrow but I know you are right....it would help so much to have someone to talk to because right now, I don't. I am also going to seek our legal counsel because I am feeling the need to be protected legally since my ex is so incredibly unstable. thank you again for your kind words, it means alot to get advice!!!

Aug 31, 2014
So Similar
by: Doreen UK

Leah see if you can get some counselling in order for you to be supported and assisted in your situation with being separated from your husband. Separation may mean to your husband that he is free to do what he wants. You can either confront him with this issue and see closure on your marriage and this will enable you to move forward better. At the moment a separation doesn't mean you can't be hurt because you are still emotionally connected to your husband. FOCUS on why the separation was needed. then put strategies in place for yourself to move forward even if this be with the help of a counsellor. If a relationship is not working for the reasons you submit. You must be wise enough to know that it is best for you and any children to have peace of mind and emotional stability for yourself and any children who will suffer if you don't respect the decision you had to make. You can't force anyone to change. You can only do this for yourself and put the needs of your children as a priority. You will one day get your life back. Some decisions have to be made whether easy or not. Stand by your decisions and maintain consistency in any decision you make for your best and your children's.

Aug 27, 2014
So similar.....
by: Leah

Reading this made me feel not quite so alone.....I too was married for 13 years to an abusive, alcoholic, police officer with severe PTSD.....after a horrible last rage he had where police attended, I asked him to leave almost a year ago. We still tried to make it work and actually him having an apartment across town was like a bedroom across town and things were so much better.....sort of. We took a retirement move from his organization and planned to start fresh in a new town and he was going to stay in our old town and work and come home on weekends. He did for about 8 weeks and then I realized that nothing was ever going to change, his behaviour was never going to change, he was still a severely messed up person who felt that he could treat me like crap whenever he wanted to and I would just have to get over it. As he has two pensions, he agreed to give me one of them every month to cover spousal and child support (still two kids at home, one 8 which is our daughter and my 18 year old who will be attending university here). Since that time he has threatened me numerous times with "if I don't do as he says and agree with everything he says, that he wont pay the money every month and I can just suffer".....I have been so scared that he would do that and I only have a casual job in my new town that I could never afford to pay the mortgage, etc. He still would come down and do things at the house, ie: fix things but would expect marital payment....if you get my drift.....I feel we didn't separate because of love, I still loved him and he said he still loved me but he is so messed up and can't handle the stress of life in a family etc....he could rage at any second and our lives could be in danger - which has been the case many many times.....We agreed that we would respect each other and our kids (which I still have a 20 year old living in the same town as he is in )and keep our separation relatively quiet and we would not see anyone else, etc, not for a long time. He swore he had zero interest in that, ever. ...so this past weekend, I found out from some friends that he has been seen out and about around town with some woman/women and he hasn't been hiding it at all....and they are very cozy. He came down to visit us last weekend to take daughter out for ice cream but when he showed up 2 hours late he said he was so sick, puking etc, and left shortly after saying he had to get groceries....strange. He texted me two hours later and said he was still so sick, still puking. Well his phone pocket dialed me by mistake 5 minutes later and I unfortunately heard 7 minutes of a very cozy conversation with another woman and my husband. It was so awful and so hurtful and since then 3 friends have said they have seen him with a woman. I am so hurt...I feel so stupid for being hurt because we are separated but more than anything, I hate hate hate being lied to, hate it. I am not sure how to deal with this as I am so so so angry and so hurt. How can I get through that terrible emotion....and move on. So upset.........it sure didn't take him long to replace me even though he is still lying to my face about it...and I haven't heard from him since the pocket dial which is very unusual, he usually texts me every day......how do I deal with this?

Aug 26, 2014
Replaced
by: Stacy

Thank you Julie. I am trying to put more of my energy into my daughter rather than focusing on the pain of the break up of my marriage. I've really taken the advice given by others that have commented on my story. I am open to most suggestions & ideas that will get me through this & on my way to positive future. I certainly realize my emotions are clouded with grief and lack clarity. Thank you again & God bless you!

Aug 25, 2014
Replaced
by: Julie

Hi all a can say is Hun let him get on you can only do so much for him your not Wonder Woman focus on them children let him crack on your worth much more also living with a man like that will have a effect on your children addicts think of no one but them selves this will have a great impact on your children and can also give them a green light to go off rails as we'll your already both mam and dad he is just a energy you can't afford you will come out on top believe me good luck x

Aug 24, 2014
Don't give up!
by: Doreen UK

Stacy I made an error in my numbers. My sister lives in Australia. As I said her husband left her with his 4 children from a previous relationship and his 4 children with her. She was left with no money and 8 children to bring up by herself. She focused on those children. Life was very hard for her and she had little support. She got through it and she is BLESSED today and in a happier place. Her scars are healing. So will yours.

Aug 24, 2014
My alcoholic husband moved on and replaced me without a moments hesitation
by: Stacy

Thank you Judith for your response. I assure you that in no way, shape form or fashion will my alcoholic husband be left I unchaperoned with our daughter ( I have no control over the joint custody agreement in place with his son) but I intend to have my lawyer bring it up in court so as to make the judge aware that another child, due to a court agreement, is in danger & placed in jeopardy each time he visits his father. In the past year I have not once left our daughter solely in his care, I require that his parents be present for any visitation..this his caused a great deal of friction between us which unfortunately, our daughter has witnessed a few times, but I will not place her in harms way..I don't care WHO gets offended by that. My attorney says I have done exactly right in this decision, if I'm asking for supervised visitation I need to prove I've been following supervised visitation even with no court order in place- I just call it a mom's instinct & protecting my baby. Your comment about turning the pain inward on myself is something I had not considered in the way that you so simply phrased it, thank you for that, I will look into that & consider the role that plays in this emotional roller coaster. I know I deserve better, our daughter deserves better. When I found out I was pregnant I unconsciously made the decision to do what was best for her regardless of if it was best or easiest for me, again that's just what mama's do. I struggle with feeling worthy & being validated. I cannot wrap my mind around giving so much & honoring my vows & receiving do little in return (not from God, from my husband) I know this is my problem, I do not need to let an unhealthy set of individuals determine my worth & I will work harder on setting goals & making plans. I suppose I have not witnessed this in any other part of my life with friends & family- I have seen nothing to 'draw' from personally. Being thrown away like garbage & KNOWING that you aren't is something that has been so hard to stomach. Everyone wants to feel like they have value to another..especially a spouse that you have faithfully stood by for years. Again, I have my work cut out for me on this emotional stronghold, but I will survive this. I am not a quitter, but I do have a big heart...that's the catch 22 here. Thank you again for your kind response, I really appreciate it.

Aug 24, 2014
My alcoholic husband moved on & replaced me without a moments hesitation
by: Stacy

Thank you for your kind words Doreen. I too, used to believe in " for better or worse". I did not come from a broken home & so that is one thing that's made this extremely difficult for me. I know there is NOTHING I could have done to save my marriage. I know beyond the shadow of a doubt that The Lord turned up the heat to the point where I HAD to leave the marriage, and I am thankful that despite the hurt & pain up until this point that I at least do not carry doubts about leaving the marriage. I know people that blame themselves - maybe if they had done this or that or stayed a little longer the outcome would be different. I do not second guess my choice at all, I guess I can't get over the fact that he did not put forth the least bit of effort into keeping his family together. In all honesty, this mirrors his childhood & upbringing. I ask him to leave so that our daughter would not carry the cycle on, doing what I did ( accepting being mistreated & marrying or becoming an alcoholic) she was only 3 then, I'm hoping she won't retain a lot of memories from that time. God is all that has gotten me this far. I can look back and see His hand preparing me for where I am today, He was at work in this situation LONG before I was aware of it. It's a lot like watching a video of a game of chess when I think back on it. Family is so important, I guess it's hard to understand when someone I once shared such common goals in life with could just leave us like we had no value. God will see us through & one day my heart will catch up with my mind and it will all FEEL good again.this is my sincere prayer, anyway. Thank you again for your kind & uplifting response & I am so sorry for your own loss. I pray that God continues to give you strength, courage & uses you to be a blessing to others as you have been to me with your kind words : - )

Aug 24, 2014
My alcohoic husband moved on & replaced me without a moments hesitation
by: Doreen UK

Stacy I used to say "For Better or Worse" "But how much worse does it have to get." We all reach our breaking point. You have reached yours. God gave you good values and a strong Spirit with Integrity to do what Mom's and Wives do. Hold your head up. FOCUS is the key. Don't focus on the pain you have been left with, or all the Infidelity of your husband. He is irresponsible and will one day wake up in the gutter and come to himself. This does not mean you have to take him back into your life and be hurt all over again. Only God can save him if he wants it badly enough. The damage is done. You are having to sift your way through it. Get good support at this time as it will help you come through the difficult days ahead. Put a plan and structure in place for your children as a priority. Meeting the needs of one's family is what women do. You have to now do this alone in the physical realm. But when you have no one reach out to God. He carried me through many tough times when all I knew was adversity. I reached my breaking point also. Went into counselling and reclaimed my life. I did it for my family. I became a more integrated and happier person and my family benefited from my new life and mind set that I struggled with for years. But sadly I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a deadly cancer 2yrs. ago. I soldier on alone in life. But with God at the HELM. God is my FOCUS. I wouldn't get through life without being carried on the wings of God. We have to live on this earth so we do need people around us. WE need Love and Stability. I found all this in God. We can't live in isolation so you do need an arsenal of people to help you. Ask God to send the right people your way to help you. BELIEVE THIS. God is not going to abandon you now. He stretches us in the places we are in, and He brings us through. Just take the focus off your suffering and yourself and how good you have been and deserve better and look to God for that Better life He will give you if you TRUST IN HIM. It is HARD. Especially when you don't know how to go on. Take one day at a time and one step at a time and you will get through your days. When you look back you will wonder how you got this far. I can understand what you say and how you feel. Many people get a RAW deal in life. There may be some people out there who are strong women and come through difficulties like yours and offer you strength and HOPE to go on again in life. It is unfair when we can't have the life we expected. But often have to make the best out of a bad situation. You are a health professional. Stable. Of sound character and Integrity. Let this be your foundation for starting over. Build yourself up first by doing all the best things for yourself. NURTURE yourself this way as the best foundation to healing from your grief and what you have lost in a stable home and husband. Be that stability for your children. You will be rewarded when your children grow up and you are proud of what you have done with God's Help. My sister was left in the same way as you by her husband. He left her with his 4 children from a previous relationship, and 4 he had with her. She had to bring up 4 Children by herself. She had several breakdowns. Her husband won the lottery. Gave her nothing, and kept womanising. He has since died in shame. Her children honour her now and she is BLESSED. Don't give up!!!

Aug 23, 2014
Loss of Self
by: Judith in California

Dear Stacey, as usual you like most women who have had this type of emotional abuse, have turned the problem inward on yourself whenyou are not the problem. Your looks have no bearing whatsoever on why your husband chose to be who he is. He is responsulbe for his actions. Not You.. HE has chosen a behavior and you unfortunately kept taking him back thinking he would change. You must become the change in your and your childrens lives. He won't be goodlooking continuing his path and looks don't give a man good character. You are not to concern yourelf with him or his GF or what they think or say. They are emotional train wrecks and you are going to sit back and let them decide who and what you are?!! Stacey, stand up for your self and your children and get a lawyer and ask for supervised visitation when he wants to vist his children and tell the judge that you don't want him or his alcholic GF around your children. Nor do you want them to be in a car with them. Becasue you know he is drinking and driving. Don;t out your children in harms way.
Your job is to protect them at all cost. You have a job to set them in the right path and let them know that what they have lived and witnessed so far is the wrong way to live and be. Yes, you will have to co-parent with him but there has to be standards set upfront before he should be allowed to see them.

Now, Stacey you can't sit back and be depressed over an abusvie , narcissistic , alcoholic, disrespectful, lack of character man. Don't you think you deserve better?!! Set high standards for yourself and never let any man talk you down from them.

You have given too much of yourself to be in a relationship. A lot of women do that. When we give up everything we are to have a realtionship with a man then it's never going to be fair, equal or work. You'll just end up resentful.

Stacey, YOU decide how you will be treated in your future. YOU decide how your childern will live with good role models and teachings. YOU get to know you agian and don't permit others to define who and what you are about. YU decdie what you will or will not tolerate in YOUR an Yur chilrdren's future.

May God give you the courage and strength to move forward, like yourself and be loving to yourself and keep your children safe.

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