My Angel Jordan, So Sadly missed. 17 years old and so much to live for!

by Tracy

Its been 7 months or so since my last posts and each day brings more emotions, some days are "ok days" and i can cope with the hell i'm in, and other days i just want to cry beacause i reaally really need to cuddle you. I miss our big cuddles, and your cheeky grin.

Life's not fair, I keep waiting for a sign but i know its my mind playing tricks, I still find it hard to take in that you decided to end it all, why? I'm looking for answers but find none, nothing makes sense anymore and nothing seems to make it any easier.

I'm full of regrets, if only i'd have called you back you may have told me. I dont show my grief to anyone anymore because the whole family was initially wiped out by you not being here and i think they are sick of me still grieving, I have my alone time, this is when i really feel like im going insane, going over and over that night and each day before.

I have to COPE because of your brothers and your sister however i just want to go away to the middle of a field get drunk and just scream and be left alone to feel my loss. like i said somedays i'm ok todays a bad day..

I really miss you Jordan, I really want to hold you and cuddle you, I'm not even sure if i truly believe i cant.

Missing you with an aching heart x x x Mum

Comments for My Angel Jordan, So Sadly missed. 17 years old and so much to live for!

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Sep 15, 2012
Alone Time With God
by: Anonymous

So very painful . . . my heart aches for you. I find that what helps me get through my intense grief is alone time with God. Alone time reading the Bible, praying, sitting through a church service, watching late night Christian television programs. I have small children who need me but I recognize that I cannot fully be there for them unless I allow myself the alone time to grieve. I still worry that I will ruin their childhood with my utter lack of desire to be on this earth. To instead join my love in Heaven. It's hard to hide these emotions from them. Sometimes I am successful, sometimes I am not. I think it's okay that they catch a glimpse of what I am feeling on the inside. That I am not just "moving on" and, in fact, I do not believe there is any such thing as "moving on." There is slowly just more time and distance between the present day and the past event that changed my life forever. There is the the life before the event, and then there is the life after the event. There is the mom I was before the event, and now there is the mom I am after the event. I am doing the best I can to make that mom worthwhile for my little ones.

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