my angel my mother

by trish
(england)

I said goodbye to my dearest most wonderful mother on the 28th of december 4 years ago now, and ever since she left to go to heaven i have been a different person, i still cry and i have anvxiety and depression and life has lost its meaning i hurt inside for her, she was so wonderful she died in 12 day from a progressive cancer and we did not know she had this, as she was diagnosed for alzhimers, as she began to get worse we realised there must be something more she was getting weaker, she never once complained, i miss her so much even though i have my children and a wonderful husband, it seems all my feelings have gone, i have been medicated for depression and suicidal thoughts and i cant seem to be able to get any better i am 57 , mum died at 78, she was our centre, a mother the best and a friend, life seems so different and i am scared i am going crazy o am crazy nothing seems to help and i have her in my mind all day, i dont know what to do i feel so sad for my family, because i love them and i want to live but i want to feel myself again my confidence and like life like i always used to , i also think i am dying sometimes, i dont know what to do , missing her has changed my life i dont feel well, i want to get free and start living again

Comments for my angel my mother

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Feb 12, 2014
Healing through writing
by: RaDonna

Hello,
I so feel your pain. Because I wasn't getting over my loss, I finally decided that I needed to write my mother a letter for the purpose of telling her how much I loved and admired her, but also for telling her I'm sorry for any grief I may have caused during my growing up years. I have a belief in heaven and in closing my letter, I released her into God's hands and then I read the letter out loud. It seemed to help me in the grieving process. I'm not and probably will never be totally over her loss, but it really did help to write it. I pray that you can do some really great healing this year so you can move on and enjoy your precious family.
Blessings!

Jan 01, 2014
I feel your pain
by: Doreen UK

Anonymous I am glad that you found counselling helped you. I also like you refused to be on medication. I read books and did enough to help myself then it became time for one to one support. I recovered from 40yrs. of depression which has never come back and I relate better and in a positive way. Through my counselling some years ago I gave back 8yrs. in voluntary work and gained skills which has helped me in life. When I lost my husband to cancer 20 months ago I coped better having had counselling some years earlier. If you get the right counsellor it does work and helps one move forward better. It also helps us lose our guilt by putting things into perspective. None of us knows what to expect from grief and it will make us feel as if we are going mad. But this is the nature of grief and we will recover from this in time.

Dec 28, 2013
I feel your pain
by: Anonymous

Please find a counsellor and get help working through your grief.I agree that grief takes time but you will feel better if you talk to a counsellor because they will help you move onwards. my doctor wanted me to go on anti depressants after my mum died. I opted to go for counselling instead and it really worked for me. I had a lot of guilt as I felt I didn't do enough for my mum when she was alive and this guilt was preventing me from moving forward with my grief. I was taking on a lot of the responsibility as was my usual role in the family. it is worth a try.I understand how you feel as some days I am unable to mobilise my self due to grief and I too feel I am going mad? Talking does help.

Dec 15, 2013
my angel my mother
by: Doreen UK

Trish the best thing you can do to help yourself is go and see a counsellor or CRUSE to help you with bereavement issues. There is no shame feeling the way you do. But because it has been 4yrs. and your family is being affected by how you feel you must do something about this as it won't go away by itself. To feel suicidal is not good and almost always needs professional help with. You don't have to tolerate the way you feel. I suffered depression for 40yrs. and wanted to end my life. In my 40's I took myself off to a counsellor and it was the making of me. I ended 40yrs. of depression in 4yrs. and have never gone back to feeling that way again. I got my life back for the first time. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 19 months ago and had I not had this counselling I wouldn't have copes well with it. You will be surprised at how good you can feel after loss and it will help you get through each day. You owe it to yourself and also to your family. Especially since you want to get your life back. You can. I did it. My mother died at 77yrs. of age 10 yrs. ago. I accepted her death according to her age and this helped me cope better with the acceptance of her death, when I knew people died earlier. My husband was 65yrs. when he died. I felt this was too young to die. But so many die younger. I have to accept this even though I fight against it sometimes. Half our battle comes from accepting what we can't change and if we can't change our circumstances then to change our attitude towards our circumstances can often help us cope with life better.

Dec 14, 2013
God Bless You Trish
by: Anonymous

I know how you feel. It is hard. But your family needs you, like you needed your Mom. And you need the old you too. She blesses you from heaven, I am sure. I hope the universe showers you with all the love and blessings you need to get through this difficult time.

Dec 13, 2013
Dear Trish,
by: Anonymous

A lot of what you wrote in your post sounds familiar. I lost my
father in January, suddenly, and I cannot seem to get myself
together. Over this past year, I have learned that grief is hard,
hard work. It is also a process, and we all cope differently. Do what is best for you. Allow the good days to come, and accept the fact that there will still be bad days. I also have learned to accept the fact that God's plan is his own, and He makes no mistakes. I still have so many questions. I don't know why I never got to say goodbye to my Dad. I don't know why he was fine one minute and gone the next. I don't know if the doctors did the right things. But, I have learned to let some of it go and really dig deep into my heart and trust that this is all part of the plan-I have no control. I have a wonderful family of my own, and feel like I have been living two lives. The one life where I am the attentive wife and mother, and the other life where I drive around in my car
sobbing. I know that I can't keep living like this, but I just
take each day as it comes. One day at a time. I hope you
can find ways to be kind to yourself, and know that you are
not alone. We all understand what you are going through.
Whether it is a few months, or a few years, the loss of a
loved one is profound, and none of us will ever be the same.
I will keep you in my thoughts and hope you can find some
peace. Take care, Barb

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