My Angel, My Number One Fan, My Mother
Back in May of 2013, my mother of 56 had an unexpected heart attack. I was alone, and I was confused. My first thoughts were no big deal, I will meet my mom at the hospital and she will snap out of this because she is young, fit, and strong. After receiving a hug from the police officer I was confused as to why he wanted to give me a hug. Paramedics and police officers do not inform you of what is going on, when they themselves know what the outcome may be. After getting to the ER, the doctor announced in a calm and heartbreaking tone “I’m sorry Nicole, we have done everything we could for your mother but unfortunately she did not make it.” I went into a jolt. My father is not in my life, and has no intentions to be, my aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. have all passed, and it literally was just me, myself and I. Thankfully, just a couple seconds later, a very ambitious nurse came dashing in letting us know my mom had a weak pulse. That was all I needed to hear. My mom was in a coma for 14 weeks afterwards. These 14 weeks felt like 14 extensive years. The waiting game is what gets you. Dreams of her waking up when in reality she would never wake up is a cruel mind game. Not being able to hear your sweet uplifting mother’s voice when you just heard it the day before kills you inside. You honestly just want to shake the person out of that coma as hard as you can because you know they are in there hearing, listening, but not being able to respond. I wouldn’t have traded those 14 weeks for anything, getting to spend time with my mother even though she could not respond, was worth it. Being with her from morning to night, and repeating the same schedule again the next day never got old. Being only 18, I told myself this is going to make me so much stronger. I lived through strength for the first couple of months, but now I am hitting 8 months, and it is hurting more than ever. I have no ambition to wake up, and I cannot go to bed without letting my tears fall for at least two hours each night. I cannot be in public without tears and emotions rushing in before I even realize it. I feel like it’s really hitting me. I pay my own bills now, utilities, groceries, phone, cable,etc., own the home that my mom use to own, and work full time at only the age of 18. I can’t help feeling envious of my friends/people who are my age who are financially supported by their two parents, who have uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. All the things I would go crazy for to have, but I don’t. I feel alone because I am alone. People my age do not understand, which is fine, I don’t expect them to. It is finally starting to hit me that I do not have my number one fan here with me anymore. That she is really in God’s beautiful palace, shining down on me. Why is this starting to sink in now? Why not 5 months ago? My strength was huge in the beginning of all of this but it has completely disappeared. And I am afraid I do not know how to handle myself or my emotions anymore.