My Angel, My Number One Fan, My Mother

(New Jersey)

Back in May of 2013, my mother of 56 had an unexpected heart attack. I was alone, and I was confused. My first thoughts were no big deal, I will meet my mom at the hospital and she will snap out of this because she is young, fit, and strong. After receiving a hug from the police officer I was confused as to why he wanted to give me a hug. Paramedics and police officers do not inform you of what is going on, when they themselves know what the outcome may be. After getting to the ER, the doctor announced in a calm and heartbreaking tone “I’m sorry Nicole, we have done everything we could for your mother but unfortunately she did not make it.” I went into a jolt. My father is not in my life, and has no intentions to be, my aunts, uncles, grandparents, etc. have all passed, and it literally was just me, myself and I. Thankfully, just a couple seconds later, a very ambitious nurse came dashing in letting us know my mom had a weak pulse. That was all I needed to hear. My mom was in a coma for 14 weeks afterwards. These 14 weeks felt like 14 extensive years. The waiting game is what gets you. Dreams of her waking up when in reality she would never wake up is a cruel mind game. Not being able to hear your sweet uplifting mother’s voice when you just heard it the day before kills you inside. You honestly just want to shake the person out of that coma as hard as you can because you know they are in there hearing, listening, but not being able to respond. I wouldn’t have traded those 14 weeks for anything, getting to spend time with my mother even though she could not respond, was worth it. Being with her from morning to night, and repeating the same schedule again the next day never got old. Being only 18, I told myself this is going to make me so much stronger. I lived through strength for the first couple of months, but now I am hitting 8 months, and it is hurting more than ever. I have no ambition to wake up, and I cannot go to bed without letting my tears fall for at least two hours each night. I cannot be in public without tears and emotions rushing in before I even realize it. I feel like it’s really hitting me. I pay my own bills now, utilities, groceries, phone, cable,etc., own the home that my mom use to own, and work full time at only the age of 18. I can’t help feeling envious of my friends/people who are my age who are financially supported by their two parents, who have uncles, aunts, cousins, etc. All the things I would go crazy for to have, but I don’t. I feel alone because I am alone. People my age do not understand, which is fine, I don’t expect them to. It is finally starting to hit me that I do not have my number one fan here with me anymore. That she is really in God’s beautiful palace, shining down on me. Why is this starting to sink in now? Why not 5 months ago? My strength was huge in the beginning of all of this but it has completely disappeared. And I am afraid I do not know how to handle myself or my emotions anymore.

Comments for My Angel, My Number One Fan, My Mother

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Apr 27, 2014
I hear you. I am so sorry.
by: Anonymous

I lost my mom a little less than 2 months ago. She was 59. She was my everything, as well. They are, you know, our everything. I got to spend 5 days with my mom after she had a massive stroke. She was kept medically sedated and once we knew the severity of the damage from the stroke, we opted to do comfort measures and let her go. I feel your pain. I don't think grief comes with a timeframe or good time to "feel better". I don't think it is ever a good time to lose your mom and especially as a teenager. I am 33 and I still feel like I really need her. I get what you're saying about nobody understanding. They don't until they go through a loss of a mother. It's brutal. Your mom would never want you to feel the pain you are feeling. I know this as a daughter and as a mother. Talk to does not take the pain away but rather it keeps her "alive". If you can quiet your mind and quiet your heart, you will be able to hear her, too. xo.

Feb 24, 2014
My Angel, My Number One Fan My Mother
by: Doreen UK

Further to my first post to you I picked up on what you say about "Why didn't this hurt 5 months ago? Why Now"? Grief doesn't come all at once. It comes in stages and at times you least expect it to. You may even have triggers go off. e.g. A favourite movie, food, place etc your mom used to like and this could set off new grief. You will learn as you go on not to expect too much of yourself. Cry when you need to and honour your feelings. They won't last forever. Even at this time of grief you could lose people from your life who used to be with you. This seems to be a common problem many people feel hurt over. Expressing these feelings helps all of us on this site to understand more about grief and what to expect even though all our stories will be different the common experience of grief is the same. We will grieve for months and even years off and on and this is how we heal. You are young and this is a new experience for you, but you will grow stronger and in time make a new life for yourself. At the moment you say you have no relatives. You are on your own. Most of us find this happens to us. I am learning this also that I have to go out and make my life happen. It won't come to me. You will probably meet someone, fall in love and get married and have children and your life will become more focused and happier. I have had 3 children all adults now and have 2 baby grandchildren and it does help one feel better. Having people around us will help us to enjoy the journey of life. Make the most of your life and GO LIVE IT. You are too young to put your life on hold. Let nothing hold you back. When life gets tough pick yourself up and start all over again. You can be happy. This is your heritage. Best wishes.

Feb 23, 2014
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry to hear about your loss, I went though the same thing with my mum October 2012 ( I was 19)
I know how hard it was and I also felt that it has been harder later on. My dad suffers with depression and my brother is only 13 so I had (and still try to be) strong for them.
All I can say it that you seem to be doing amazingly and it doesn't matter if you want to cry yourself to sleep, stay in bed all day (if you can), eat loads of ice cream or whatever, because (from reading and experience) you need that right now, you need a comfort whatever that might be. Don't get me wrong I'm not telling you to be totally self destructive, I'm just saying let up on yourself, let yourself grieve. It's okay to be envious and frustrated with friends, I do it too. By allowing yourself that time to be angry and annoyed gets it out of your system.
I don't want this to sound cliche, basically my friend told me the other day about ghosts or ghosts are just something that is left behind. Anyway it made me think, as much as I hate other people saying it, what I am about to say is true. She is still alive in me (sorry about the horrible cliche) because I am made up of half of her blood, her genes, her thoughts and you are with your mum too.
Thoughts are with you, stay strong, you are inspirational!

Feb 08, 2014
My Angel, my number one Fan, My Mother
by: Doreen UK

What has probably happened to you is that you made yourself strong so you could cope with your immense loss. But it would be impossible to keep this up because your strength was not allowing you to grief at each stage. You have in many ways repressed your grief and so now it feels worse. None of us knows what grief feels like and how we will cope. We learn from other's experience. Even though everyone's experience is different. The grief pain is the same. Crushing unbearable pain we can't put into words. If you find yourself struggling with grief you could get support from a counsellor who will be impartial and use their skills to support you.
You are still so young to go through life alone and without your mom or any extended family to speak of. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. Start building yourself up each day with good things. Keep a balance on your friends and don't envy them for having 2 parents to support them. FOCUS on what you have. A home that you own through inheritance and a job. Not having to struggle to pay a mortgage but only the utilities. My daughter is in the same place as you. She is older but she will inherit this home. I worry about her having to pay the utilities as it is a heavy burden with the cost so high.
You will find the strength to cope and you will find someone in life who will love you. Just protect your home you inherited and safeguard this from being taken from you by meeting the wrong people. I have to advise my daughter of the same thing because a mom will look out to safeguard the inheritance given to her children by her. This home cannot be replaced. Many a man has married, and taken half the home from his wife. It can also work the other way. To be homeless is hard and unbearable.
You will get through your grief. Even if it doesn't feel like it now. Crying is good grief so don't stop it when it comes. It will get less over time. You just need some guidance, but I am sure you will have a good life and make it better for yourself in time.

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