You are my sunshine
My angel recently moved back to heaven. She was 18. "Ana" as we called her had battled a kidney disease since she was 10. She had a couple of times (years) on dialysis but received a kidney transplant in 2006. However in July of 2010, she lost that kidney. She had just graduated high school and was sooooooooo excited about going to college. It was a very difficult decision to allow her to go forward with plans of college more than 2 hours away from me. But that had been her dream since she was 14. She was a strong and determined young lady full of life, love and joy. You NEVER EVER saw her without a smile.
After starting college in Aug she had several bouts of severe illness with many stays in ICU and a couple of times on a ventilator. I got married on Oct. 23. That was the last weekend she was really well, and feeling and looking great. On Oct. 25 she entered the hospital again and coded. We stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks. I withdrew her from school and brought her home so that I could take care of her more closely daily. She was home for 1 day and had to return to a hospital in ICU again. During these stays we discovered she had an enlarged heart, she had a pulmonary embolism as well as frequent lung problems.
She came home for 2 weeks but never seemed to recover fully. I took her to hospital again on Dec. 5 for ab pain and vomiting. They admitted her for pneumonia. My baby coded again on Dec. 6 and went to heaven at 5:50 AM. I am sooooooooooooo still in unbelief. She was so alive and ready for life. She has a twin brother that is really struggling and feeling lost but he is so worried about me. I also have 2 other daughters. Sometimes missing her is just too much. I find myself begging God to bring her back.... even after 10 days.
Everyone says it gets better with time. I don't know if I want it to get better. I don't ever want to stop missing her.... thinking of her.... wanting her. She was MY strength, the wind beneath MY wings. I need(ed) her. Tonight here alone, I tried to enter her room.... I couldn't do it. As long as I think she is "just in her room asleep" I can cope a little better. I know that may be denial, but for now.... that's what I have to do.