My Angel......

by Tonya
(Anniston, AL)

You are my sunshine

You are my sunshine

My angel recently moved back to heaven. She was 18. "Ana" as we called her had battled a kidney disease since she was 10. She had a couple of times (years) on dialysis but received a kidney transplant in 2006. However in July of 2010, she lost that kidney. She had just graduated high school and was sooooooooo excited about going to college. It was a very difficult decision to allow her to go forward with plans of college more than 2 hours away from me. But that had been her dream since she was 14. She was a strong and determined young lady full of life, love and joy. You NEVER EVER saw her without a smile.

After starting college in Aug she had several bouts of severe illness with many stays in ICU and a couple of times on a ventilator. I got married on Oct. 23. That was the last weekend she was really well, and feeling and looking great. On Oct. 25 she entered the hospital again and coded. We stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks. I withdrew her from school and brought her home so that I could take care of her more closely daily. She was home for 1 day and had to return to a hospital in ICU again. During these stays we discovered she had an enlarged heart, she had a pulmonary embolism as well as frequent lung problems.

She came home for 2 weeks but never seemed to recover fully. I took her to hospital again on Dec. 5 for ab pain and vomiting. They admitted her for pneumonia. My baby coded again on Dec. 6 and went to heaven at 5:50 AM. I am sooooooooooooo still in unbelief. She was so alive and ready for life. She has a twin brother that is really struggling and feeling lost but he is so worried about me. I also have 2 other daughters. Sometimes missing her is just too much. I find myself begging God to bring her back.... even after 10 days.

Everyone says it gets better with time. I don't know if I want it to get better. I don't ever want to stop missing her.... thinking of her.... wanting her. She was MY strength, the wind beneath MY wings. I need(ed) her. Tonight here alone, I tried to enter her room.... I couldn't do it. As long as I think she is "just in her room asleep" I can cope a little better. I know that may be denial, but for now.... that's what I have to do.

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Dec 31, 2010
1st Birthday in Heaven
by: Anonymous

Yesterday was my baby's 19th birthday. Her first birthday in heaven. Her twin brother's first birthday without her. Phew. The emotions were heavy of course. We went to the mausoleum and released balloons. I have friends in various states that took it upon themselves to do the same in her honor. Man was that amazing. My sister wrote a poem and her twin wrote a rap. LOL. Lots of her classmates were there for her as well as to support Andrew.

We went to dinner afterwards and laughed and enjoyed memories of her. There are times when the reality of her not being here is unbearable. There are times we can enjoy all her memories. I entered her room for the first time she since went to heaven yesterday. WOW. I'd been afraid to face that for weeks. Laying on her bed, smelling her clothes, looking around her room reminded me..... When we left her room on Sunday Dec. 5 to go to the ER.... our thoughts were that she would come home that same day. I NEVER imagined......

Ana, sometimes I feel that the only person that truly understands how much I miss you is Andrew. I know he misses you too. A part of my heart is gone...... but I will never forget you. I love you.

Dec 17, 2010
Ana's testimony on you tube
by: Tonya

Thank you Shirley. I talk about her alot, but sometimes when people are around "trying" to "cheer me up", I feel like they are uncomfortable when I talk about her. My younger girls and I did a bit of shopping last evening for the holidays. It was bitter driving home so we all just rode in silence and cried. They miss her so much also. I can't imagine losing a big sister....... but all my kids are trying to be so brave for me. Ana was a twin. I worry about him so much. Their birthday was coming up on the 30th. I'm at a lost of what to do. This is a horrible club.

When Ana first started dialysis 10 years ago there were 10 years. She had just given her testimony a few weeks ago how 7 or the 10 had passed away and their were only 3 left. She went to heaven 8 days after sharing her testimony.

It can be viewed on you tube, search "Ana'a testimony New Destiny"......

God help us all......

Dec 17, 2010
by: Shirley

Hi Tonya...
I'm so sorry you've joined this terrible club. I lost my son August 8th, 2010. He was only 23 and had been ill for two years. First his liver failed and he needed a liver transplant, then his bone marrow failed and then he got a terrible infection in his colon and went into septic shock. He was on life support for 8 days and woke up intubated and with a "bag" attached to his stomach. He started to get better and they were able to reverse the ileostomy and remove the bag. He was so happy.

Now that he was more stable we could deal with the bone marrow issues. His new diagnosis was aplastic anemia. He was getting blood and platelet transfusions at least twice a week and was in and out of the hospital due to recurrent infections (he had no immune system). Six weeks before his scheduled bone marrow transplant his aplastic anemia converted to acute myeloid leukemia. This was eventually his death sentence. He was diagnosed May 31st and died August 9th. It was two years of hope and despair and hope and despair. I'm so sad. I miss his grin and his silliness.

I've joined the local Compassionate Friends group. It takes courage to go because everyone will have their own story about how they lost their child. It's been good for me because this is the ONLY group of people who know what it feels like to lose a child. We held a candle lighting ceremony last week. I started going three weeks after Dimitri died.

Don't be too hard on yourself right now. Give yourself time to grieve. Don't be afraid to talk about your daughter all the time. I wish you the best.

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