My mom was my world, my rock, my guardian angel, my best friend and the one person I confided in with all my heart. She was the women who always made me feel loved and made me feel like no matter what I did, she would always stand beside me. She wouldn't hesitate to help me if I ever needed help and wouldn't complain about it either.
I feel so alone and lost without her...feels like a heavy barrier weighs down on me more each day. She passed away March 20, 2013 from cancer and fought the last battle for the 4th time. I remember her last days as if it was yesterday all over again. I stayed beside her as she slowly faded away with each day in her home while Hospice took care of her during her last 2 weeks. All of it happened so fast, so fast that it was too hard to grasp. I talked to her on the phone then the next day I get a call from my sister telling me she could barely talk and that she wasn't doing good. I went down to my hometown the same day I received the call and that's when I was told the cancer had spread. I was in shock and denial for quite some time and didn't want to believe that this was the end of the road for her because she survived all the other times. I wanted to believe a miracle would take place and that she would get through it again. It was torture watching the women who means the world to you, suffer and slowly die right in front of you and knowing you couldn't do anything to save her.
With each day that went by of watching her slowly die, she didn't look like my mom anymore because death was taking its toll and having to watch this, gave me nightmares every night. I still dream about her dieing at times and the hardest challenge for me is acceptance. I hold a lot of guilt and regret because I let anger get in the way of spending 1 last time with her for her birthday, for Thanksgiving, and Christmas as a family. I was fighting with my sisters and wanted no part of those days with them around and that's something I can never get back again. I know there's nothing I can do to change the way it is, but I can't seem to forgive myself for taking her time for granted. It also makes it harder for me because my mom always called me on a daily basis being that I'm the youngest and she was protective over me, which she's the only one that's made me feel like we were a family because my father and sisters, are hardly ever there for me. I'm like the forgotten one in the family, at least that's how they make me feel. I feel like they don't even care and they pretty much all keep in touch among themselves. My mom was the only one who ever called me and I thought maybe it would change after her death, but it hasn't changed much...I feel more alone than ever.
I feel like I lost touch with who I am as a person because the motivation and inspirations that have lived inside of me, are dead or they're slowing dieing and I don't know how to change it. I am trying to take each day as it comes because I know that's all we can do, but some days are so much harder than others especially when you feel so alone in the process. I know others are going through it or have gone through it, but I also know we each feel different and we each deal with it differently. I have been drinking a lot more than I used to and I know it's probably connected to the situation of how I feel...I just don't know how to get a grip of myself and of overcoming this. I mean what are you suppose to do when the one person who was like the air that you breath is taken away from you!?!! It's a difficult struggle we all end up facing, but I just don't know how to overcome this one. I've lost a lot in this life...my only brother when I was 11, both of my favorite Aunts, and now the one person I feared to ever lose, my mom. I thought losing them was hard and it took me many years to overcome my brother's death, but my mom's is much harder because I know I'll never have someone as special as her to be here to love me the way she did. I'll always miss her smiles, her hugs, her kisses on my cheeks, her talks and advice, her laughter, and not being able to ever see again such a beautiful angel who I hold close to my heart....