My Angel

by Kim
(Kerrville TX)

My mom was my world, my rock, my guardian angel, my best friend and the one person I confided in with all my heart. She was the women who always made me feel loved and made me feel like no matter what I did, she would always stand beside me. She wouldn't hesitate to help me if I ever needed help and wouldn't complain about it either.

I feel so alone and lost without her...feels like a heavy barrier weighs down on me more each day. She passed away March 20, 2013 from cancer and fought the last battle for the 4th time. I remember her last days as if it was yesterday all over again. I stayed beside her as she slowly faded away with each day in her home while Hospice took care of her during her last 2 weeks. All of it happened so fast, so fast that it was too hard to grasp. I talked to her on the phone then the next day I get a call from my sister telling me she could barely talk and that she wasn't doing good. I went down to my hometown the same day I received the call and that's when I was told the cancer had spread. I was in shock and denial for quite some time and didn't want to believe that this was the end of the road for her because she survived all the other times. I wanted to believe a miracle would take place and that she would get through it again. It was torture watching the women who means the world to you, suffer and slowly die right in front of you and knowing you couldn't do anything to save her.

With each day that went by of watching her slowly die, she didn't look like my mom anymore because death was taking its toll and having to watch this, gave me nightmares every night. I still dream about her dieing at times and the hardest challenge for me is acceptance. I hold a lot of guilt and regret because I let anger get in the way of spending 1 last time with her for her birthday, for Thanksgiving, and Christmas as a family. I was fighting with my sisters and wanted no part of those days with them around and that's something I can never get back again. I know there's nothing I can do to change the way it is, but I can't seem to forgive myself for taking her time for granted. It also makes it harder for me because my mom always called me on a daily basis being that I'm the youngest and she was protective over me, which she's the only one that's made me feel like we were a family because my father and sisters, are hardly ever there for me. I'm like the forgotten one in the family, at least that's how they make me feel. I feel like they don't even care and they pretty much all keep in touch among themselves. My mom was the only one who ever called me and I thought maybe it would change after her death, but it hasn't changed much...I feel more alone than ever.

I feel like I lost touch with who I am as a person because the motivation and inspirations that have lived inside of me, are dead or they're slowing dieing and I don't know how to change it. I am trying to take each day as it comes because I know that's all we can do, but some days are so much harder than others especially when you feel so alone in the process. I know others are going through it or have gone through it, but I also know we each feel different and we each deal with it differently. I have been drinking a lot more than I used to and I know it's probably connected to the situation of how I feel...I just don't know how to get a grip of myself and of overcoming this. I mean what are you suppose to do when the one person who was like the air that you breath is taken away from you!?!! It's a difficult struggle we all end up facing, but I just don't know how to overcome this one. I've lost a lot in this only brother when I was 11, both of my favorite Aunts, and now the one person I feared to ever lose, my mom. I thought losing them was hard and it took me many years to overcome my brother's death, but my mom's is much harder because I know I'll never have someone as special as her to be here to love me the way she did. I'll always miss her smiles, her hugs, her kisses on my cheeks, her talks and advice, her laughter, and not being able to ever see again such a beautiful angel who I hold close to my heart....

Comments for My Angel

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Nov 04, 2013
by: julie reynolds

Hi kim, im so sorry to read the sad story about your mum passing away , if you dont mind me asking what cancer did your mum have? My mum passed away just over 7wks ago from ovarian cancer & just like you & your family, it was terrible to watch , not reconising your mum its a awful experience , my mum was in a hospice, but mums wish was to go home, so after talking to drs they agreed for mum to travel home in a ambulance , it was terrible watching my mum deteriate & i just couldnt accept my mum was going to pass away , my mum accepted any treatment they adviced as she was such a fighter , but sadly the cancer was not diagnosed when it should have been so a operation wasant possible as their were lots of delays along the way , so ive had lots of anger & with the disease as what it did to my dear mum , who was my best friend as well as a fabulous mum who i love & miss so much & i never realised how painful it is to loose your mum , i relate to all how your feeling kim , i thought i had problems in the past my goodness , those bad times were nothing like this , every day i wake up it feels so hard . How old was your mum kim? I have been going for councilling , have you been for councilling kim? It does help , i go every week . I am working on getting the bad memories of my mums illness out of my head , its tough but wif councilling i hope i will get theor eventually . I hope you have some good undestanding friends kim & its good support to come on this site which is good , because there are people on here that actually understand what you are going through kim ! Take care !

Oct 31, 2013
Response to Doreen
by: Kim

Thank You Doreen and I'm so sorry to hear about your mother and husband! Cancer is an ugly disease that does ruin lives. I can't even imagine how difficult it must have been and be to lose your mom then recently your husband to cancer too. I am the youngest out of 4 girls and I had a brother, but he was murdered by the police when I was 11. She also favored me and always did everything for me, which caused my sisters to constantly fight with me about it. My mom always tried to protect me and would sugar coat things to prevent me from getting hurt and my sisters hated it. I'm actually going to attend a support group for the first time on grievance next Thursday to see if it can benefit me through this journey. I've been writing in a journal when I feel like I need to get things off my chest. Perhaps, I feel lonelier because my sisters have children, and one of them has a husband, but I have neither. I'm going to try to see if any of it helps me and if it doesn't then I will try for a counselor or someone along those lines if I can't seem to reach past that point. Thank You for all the advice, and for sharing your loss!!

Oct 31, 2013
Response to Wess
by: Kim

Thank You Wess and I'm very sorry you lost your mom as well. Me and my 4 sisters also remained beside my mom's bedside as we waited for the day to come of her death. We would go get any food that she wanted and fed her bites and drinks so she could have one last taste of each thing she loved. She of course wasn't able to eat much, but we still went to buy her the foods and drinks at her request until the very end. My family has never been a family and there's always fights...after my mom's death, we fought with my father because he didn't want to pay for anything and it's sad how the person who calls himself the man that loved my mother can't even stop worrying about money when it comes to giving her a proper remembrance. I live away from my family as well and when I do go see my father, I become more depressed being in the house where she died and seeing him break down all the time. It is indeed a roller coaster of feelings and I'm trying to slowly get my life back. I too always catch myself wanting to call or waiting for that call from her because she wouldn't miss a day without calling me. I'm sorry to hear about her dog, that's mom's dog is with my father and he's always looking for her. Thank You very much for reaching out and sharing your story with me. You too have a friend here, I greatly appreciate you reaching out and you take care of yourself as well!

Oct 30, 2013
Regrets and Mom's as our Best friends
by: Wess

I am so sorry for your loss. I am in tears right now as I can so relate to all of us daughters of suffering from the loss of your one truly unconditional Mother’s and best friends. My mom truly was my best friend, really my only friend, the only one I could truly share and trust. She is the only one I would want to tell about how much I miss my Mom. She passed away, I still can't say died yet, March 6th of this year. All her kids, 6 of us, were by her bedside as she took her last breath. A lot came up between family members and a lot more pain resulted. I am saddened, and I know my mother would be devastated if she knew- maybe she does, what went down following her leaving us... I am away from all my family now and find a little more peace knowing I have this space to be more myself... I am, however, deeply saddened by what, to me seems, unresolved issues with family but I have to take care of myself now... I feel so lonely and loss without her. I am reaching out to you to share that you are not alone. It's such a roller coaster of pain; really sad days, moments, and days where I trudge on... I know that our Mom's would want us to not perseverate on them and to carry on living a life of love and happiness... I try to keep telling myself this and, perhaps, one day I will attain that state of being... for now, it's moment to moment, second to second... On top of it, I was bequeathed her little Daschund who recently lost the use of her hind legs... The pain is magnified a zillion times greater knowing her precious sweet doggie is not happy and can't walk. I am unsure what to do. It's overwhelming... I catch myself wanting to call or waiting for a call from Mom so I can share with her my sorrow... Well, I just thought I'd reach out to you and let you know you are definitely not alone...Do one sweet, kind thing for yourself - everyday... You have a friend here... Take care, ~Wess (a.k.a Wendy :) )

Oct 30, 2013
My Angel
by: Doreen UK

Kim I am sorry for your loss of your mom. My mother died on 20th March 10 years ago and I know how you feel.
I just lost my husband to cancer 18 months ago and this is my worst loss. I nursed my husband for 3yrs.39days, and know what this cancer journey does to one. Cancer destroys the body and can destroy a family as it causes fractures in the family structure. What is adding to your grief is the fractured relationship with the rest of the family which will make you feel more isolated and lonely.
I was my mother's favourite daughter out of 5 girls and one boy, mostly because my mother could rely on me to care for the needs of my siblings. I know how lonely it can be to have sibling rivalry and jealousy. You may benefit from seeing a good grief counsellor who will understand the family dynamics and what is going on to make you feel unable to move forward. Your mother became your whole world and there is nothing to take its place. This is a very scary place to be. It will leave you feeling insecure. You may then be able to sort out matters with your father and siblings and let them know how left out you feel and ask them why? I went into counselling and resolved a lot of my hurt and pain and related better. I put right many wrongs and even though relationships got better they also changed where some of us walked away, for different reasons. It is possible to resolve family difficulties, but where this is not possible you can say you tried and you will be a stronger person and will be able to move forward with the skill and support of a good counsellor. You can also keep a journal and write out all your feelings and even write letters to your mother and let her know how her death has affected you. This is also therapeutic healing and can help you resolve a lot of your trapped feelings that may be stopping you from moving forward.

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