My Aunt Julie
(Long Island, NY)
I'm not sure where to post this one, but my Aunt Julie does qualify as being a friend. She was my godmother, and she ended up saving my life. Too bad she couldn't save her own..
She had been battling the disease of addiction for pretty much her whole life. I remember bits and pieces of memories being with her. She was only ever in my life when she was clean. About two years ago, I was on the same path as she had been on her whole life. It still blows me away how she wound up getting into contact with me 7 years after she had disappeared and I moved out of state, but she found me somehow.
She spent countless hours on the phone with me, talking to me, asking me if I thought I might have a drug problem, and eventually she got through to me. About 3 months after I got clean, she went back out, and I never heard her voice again.
I prayed and prayed and prayed. First, I asked God to just please get her clean again. Then, after a while, I just asked Him to take care of her, and if it's in His will to take her out of her pain and misery, then to do it. On December 23, 2009, she was murdered. They found her in East Boston in a laundry bag or something. I don't know...
I'm experiencing so many feelings, it's hard to catch even one at a time. The shock is wearing off, and it's starting to hit me. I'm angry. So angry. I've been catching myself lashing out at people I love. Everybody's been annoying me lately, with the littlest things. I don't want to be bothered by anybody.
I'm angry at God. I'm angry at myself for even suggesting to God to take her.. Even though I know I'm not that powerful, I still feel like I'm partly responsible. I'm angry at my aunt for making the choice to go back out. She left her kids, her sister.. she left me! I don't think there are really any words to describe how angry I am at her right now.
I'm angry at her because I don't have a lot of memories of her when I was growing up. I just remember always praying for her when it was time for bed. There was always a special place in my heart for her because when she wasn't using, she was the most amazing person in the whole world. Her personality could light up a theatre.
I'm angry at the person who murdered her. He never saw the person she could've let herself be without the drugs. Even though I don't have the evil in me to actually do it, I want to hurt that person the same way they hurt her. It's just a feeling, though, and I would never actually do it. (just a disclaimer).
I'm angry there's nothing I could've done to stop it. There was no way to protect her, and I wish I could've. I wish I could've just been God for a couple of minutes, to stop whoever murdered her from murdering her. I'm angry that when she had been trying to get clean for the 6 months before she died, she reached out to someone who wouldn't help her, and never once did she call me. I would've helped her in any way I could.
I'm angry at her for having a cell phone on to call the dealer, but never even bothered to send me a text to let me know she was alive. I hate that when she was slipping and asked my mom if she could move down here, my mom refused and said she couldn't let her stay with us. I hate my mother's mother for giving my aunt a hard time when she was clean, and told her all the time to go kill herself because she was nothing but a junkie and was never going to amount to anything, but then at the wake and funeral to talk about how she always supported her when she was clean.
My anger is mostly directed at my aunt, though. All the things she could've done and she didn't. I've been crying this whole entry, and I don't even know if it's really anger I'm feeling right now. I just know that my fists want to punch something, and that's what I associate anger with.
I just feel so lost, sad, alone, and vulnerable. I want the pain to go away. Part of me wants to numb the pain with drugs and alcohol, but that would be insane because that's what got my aunt in the situation she got into. And as angry as I am at her, I don't want to just throw away the gift of life she offered me when she was alive.
I still love her so much, and miss her like crazy. Part of me feels like none of it's real, or I just want to make it so that it's not real. I'm coming up on two years clean, and I know that getting high or drunk won't bring her back to life. But I want the pain to go away. And I'm still angry at God, and don't want to pray to Him right now. I don't know. I'm just hurting a lot.