My baby boy
(Fort McMurray, Alberta, Canada)
My wife and I are from South Africa. We've been married twenty years. We chose not to have human children. We got our little Maine Coon baby boy fifteen years ago. Wild looking baby. Dark tabby with massive ears and tufts of hair at the points. People asked "what sort of wild cat was that?" Extremely loving and devoted. Followed us everywhere. Sweet does not explain how sweet. No catty nasty feelings ever. Always upbeat. Slept on my wife's chest for fifteen years. Even when he got huge. He doted on her. We would take him for walks on a leash. He was our baby boy and best friend. When we moved to Canada five years ago our baby boy came with us and settled into his new home with ease. He was a little skittish of other people.
He always had IBS. Very sensitive tummy. Special diet. But generally was always in good health. Ten days ago he got an upper respiratory infection. Then stopped eating. Antibiotics. And we started to force feed him. Infection cleared somewhat but his appetite did not return. We kept feeding him five times per day. Back and forth to the vet/doc. Drip. Special medication for his tummy ... Anti nausea, anti acid, and appetite stimulant. Upon starting these drugs he suddenly went down hill over night. Loss all energy, his eyes dulled and he lay on the floor crying. By that time he had already lost too much weight despite the food we fed him. We rushed him to the vet/doc again. They could not insert a drip. His veins were collapsing and his system was shutting down. Oh!! God where are't thou? We had to put him to sleep. Devastated.
We may had caught his sniffles too late allowing him to loose some weight in the beginning. Then force feeding him was so stressful and we passed that stress on to him. Once in frustration I smacked him. I am in hell now. I can not forgive myself. I would have cut off my right hand to save him. I made the last few days of his life more stressful. I can not forgive myself. I just keep spinning in hell. I did not deserve him.
I am so adamantly opposed to any abuse whatsoever of animals. I strongly feel animals, and we are animals too make no mistake, deserve our respect. Deserve our protection. My baby boy was completely dependent on me and I let him down. I keep asking God to forgive me.
The only thing that keeps me going now are my other two cats. Somehow I can not let them down. My mind keeps dwelling on the abuse that I committed on Max. And I keep having extreme feeling of hell and torment. I don't know how to shut my mind down. It feels that my poor behaviour has sacrificed fifteen years of love between us and that he can not settle in peace now.
I am very very very sorry Max. I love you. I can barely survive without you. Where are you? I am trying to keep your little brother and sister content and safe.
My wife, I can not fathom how she feels. We are apart emotionally at this time. Each dealing with our own grief. She seems to be more stoic. She says Max knew I loved him and meant it well force feeding him. He never held grudges. And it was his time after fifteen loving years in a loving home with the best anyone could do for him. Somehow I am unable to rationalize at this time.
Please love those who are closest to you. Appreciate every second. It is just too little time.
I am at the point of becoming an activist for animal rights at this time in memory of my baby boy. I need to do some good to redeem my soul.