My Baby Brooklyn!!!
by Alea Thomas
(Arkansas, United States)
I don't really know how to start this story. What I'm suppose to say or how I am suppose to say it, all I know is that talking about it makes me cry and crying makes me feel better. I have 6 journals filled with notes, appointments, anything that could have been changed, why things weren't different, what she meant to me, why she left me, and the different moods i am in and different things we would do if she were here. I am five months into my loss. I miss my baby girl dearly.
When I became pregnant, I thought all was well with the pregnancy, that all was going fine and all would be fine. I have one healthy happy baby boy well not so much baby any more so I figured this would be the same. By the fourth month I was at the doctor all the time. I told him over and over of the same pains. He had me try all sorts of stuff, he said it was round ligament pains. Him being the doctor I tried to listen to him, but something just wasn't right. Towards the end of the pregnancy i knew it wasn't right. I didn't have regular labor with my boy so I didn't know what it felt like but this I knew was labor. We were so close to our due date. Our doctor was going to put us in the hospital that Monday to go ahead and take her because of the pain since I was past 35 weeks.
Sunday night I swear I was going into labor but it was the same that I had been going through, so I went through my routine of laying down, drinking water, massaging my back and stomach, and finally I decided to take a warm shower the heat on my back tended to ease it somewhat usually. But not this time. My stomach was so tight it felt like a brick wall and my hands were clinched, my back was arched up off the couch, it hurt so bad. when I could move I called my mom. She told me to drink some water rest and I explained that I had that it hurt really bad and that I wanted to go to the doctor. This was at 230 in the morning. after talking to her i went to wake up my fiance who in a dead sleep, said honey go to bed.
I shook him again and he jumped up and got dressed and got the baby ready for me. we took the baby up the road to my mom and then headed to the doctors. We got to the doctor at around 3:30 and the new administrator didn't know what she was doing and tried to send me to the er instead of the maternity ward. i finally got to the bed i was suppose to be in and was clamping the bars so hard that i had bruises on my forearms.
They hooked me up to all of the monitors and we found the contractions, guess what i was in labor but we couldn't detect the heart beat so they brought out the ultrasound to see where to place the monitor. Monday morning at 430 the monitors showed no heartbeat. no movement. after 3 techs and two different machines the doctor came in to confirm the news. I was going to deliver on the day i thought, but i wouldn't leave the hospital with my baby girl. he asked if i would like to try it natural or have a cesarean like i did with my first child. I went with the c-section to get it over with. we called our families and set the time. during the c section the doctor determined it was a placental abruption. I had had about eight minor abruptions according to all of the clots, which had been the reason for all of the pain i experienced, the last one that killed my baby could not reattach as the previous ones did due to all the clots behind it so at around 11 oclock my baby girl was born and deceased.
i miss her so much and there is so much i wanted to do with her that i didn't get to. I mean I didn't even get to see the color of her eyes. so when i was filling out the baby book i didn't get to add that. i don't know if they were beautiful and brown like her daddy or dull hazel like mine i really wanted to know. the day i got out of the hospital was the day of her visitation. next day funeral.
It was nonstop for a while. 3 weeks later i admitted to my fiance of the thoughts that i had been having of suicide. He in turn told my mom and we decided to go back to the doctor. the next day he told me he couldn't handle it anymore and left me. I miss him alot too. he didn't do me right, no, but he was my first love. I haven't heard from him since he left and I miss all the things he did do for me and i miss the baby girl he gave to me.
I really don't know what else to say. i wish i could just turn back time you know, erase the wrong, make it to where i could get her out of there before it was too late. i just want my baby back i want to see her big beautiful eyes and i want to brush that head full of black hair that gave me heartburn all those months, i want to feed her since she didn't let me go hungry :) that nine months, and i just want to hold her again. I love you Brooklyn Avah and Mommy misses you so so so much baby.