My baby is in heaven...
I am a single mother of 2 beautiful little boys. They are my whole world. 3 years ago I met the love of my life. THE LOVE unlike I have never felt for anyone. In March 2009, I found out I was pregnant. He didn't want it and after much thought I decided I wanted it more than anything. I was so excited.
My due date was November 26, 2009, Thanksgiving Day. On March 30th, a Monday, I was at work and we were real busy that night. I work at a State Mental Hospital in the office. I was doing a lot of running around and finally I felt something wet in my pants. When I looked to see what it was, I was covered in blood!
I knew something was wrong, but I couldn't leave work to go to the hospital. I would not have been out of the hospital in time to pick up my son from daycare, so I decided to wait until the next morning so that I could have someone watch my son.
So the next morning, I called the doctors office and told them what was happening, and they said for me to come straight on. When I got there, the doctor did the ultrasound and the baby was gone, it was an empty womb.
I would lay in bed and rub my stomach and talk to the baby and tell it about how excited I was and all about its daddy and how much it would be loved and cared for. All that is gone now. If I had only gone to the hospital the night before, maybe I wouldn't have lost it.
I have so much guilt inside of me. The doctor ordered some blood tests and said that he wanted to wait til the end of the week to see if my body would dispose of it naturally. By the next morning, I was in more pain than ever, and I was bleeding harder that ever. I called the doctor back and asked for something for pain they said for me to come in.
So I went, thinking I was picking up something for pain and they wanted me to sign emergency surgery consent forms. I had to make longer arrangements for my son to go to his father's house. I checked into the hospital around lunch time and by that point I could hardly walk ,the pain was so bad.
I kept trying to call the baby's dad and he was working out of town, so he couldn't be there (we weren't even together at the time, but we still "saw" each other). So I went thru everything alone. The surgery was horrible. I quit breathing in recovery. I finally made it home that night.
I have gone thru a phase where I was still convinced that I was still pregnant. I was 6 weeks to the day. There were 3 other girls I work with who were pregnant along with me. One whose due date was 3 days before mine. I have since watched her grow and I cry when it really gets to me. I always pretended to be happy for her, but it just seems like at the same time, I was angry because I lost mine and she didn't. She's getting bigger and I'm not.
I want my baby back, it just doesn't seem fair. Next week will be my due date, and I'm more emotional this week than I have been the whole 9 months. I wanted a baby girl. I wanted to name her Heaven Gracie. I can't wait to see her the day I get to heaven. I pray every day that she is smiling down on me. I pray that she didn't hurt or suffer. I pray that she forgives me. Her father will not grieve with me, I don't know why. I just wish he and I could grieve together. this is the hardest thing I have ever had to go thru. I just need some support.