MY BABY

I come from a country where you cannot be an unwed mother. Where love with some one who is not from your community is not easy. But I did both, fell in love with someone from another community and got pregnant. We had been in a relationship for almost 5 years, when this happened. How long can two people in love stop themselves.
Today, Jan 5th 2011, I got to know I am pregnant, scared of family and society not accepting me and my child, I aborted the child on the same day. I was almost 6 weeks pregnant. I just saw my baby in the scan like a small dot. Thats the only memory I hold of that child. That abortion was not only physically painful, it killed something inside me forever. Now, I am married to the same man I loved, but I am so scared of having another child. Today, my baby would have been with me. We had to run away and get married, what if I had the courage to give birth to my child also, my baby would have been with me. I killed my child, my husband killed him. Now something inside me never wants any child ever. Though I never saw the baby, dint hold for 9 months in me, dint carry him/her in my arms, still the mother in me died with my baby. Its been two years and it is painful every single day to live without my baby who would have may be even started walking by now.

Comments for MY BABY

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Jun 07, 2013
Having More Children
by: Anonymous

I too went through your experience. I was getting married in 7-months, and didn't want to shame my family. It's difficult to think that it is precisely the people who expect perfection from us, that lead us to taking a life. The people that preach pro-life can sometimes criticize people (judge them essentially) and prevent a pro-life decision by shaming women.

I went on to have children, and my love for them has filled my heart. In my case I got pregnant with our first born son before I would have delivered the child we grieved for. We realized that he was a gift. We gave him life, and we can't imagine life without him.

When my daughter got pregnant at 19, she was the first person I told of my history. It was somewhat of a relief to express my regret out loud, haven carried this burden. I hope you don't find me too self absorbed, but this is another way for me to share my grief.

My daughter married, and gave birth to a beautiful daughter. My granddaughter is as they say, "the apple of my eye." Never have I loved someone so much in my entire life.

Please consider having a child or children in the future. The joy they can bring is unmeasurable. As I became a grandmother, the thought of more children around warms my heart.

Thanks for reading my rant. I wish you the best in whatever decision you (or God?) may make.

Jan 06, 2013
MY BABY
by: Doreen U.K.

You are in deep sorrow over your loss of your unborn child. You also sound as if you come from a culture that has different expectations and you are meant to live within these boundaries. So you ran away. Got married, and aborted this child perhaps in PANIC and FEAR. Now you are living with regret. Because it has been over 2 years and you are in deep pain you are not able to handle this loss on your own.
You may live in a part of the world that is not familiar with counselling. You can start with going to your doctor. Tell him or her how you feel and how you are still suffering. The doctor may be able to refer you to a counsellor or a psychologist, or a grief counsellor. All these people are highly skilled to support you in your pain and help you to move forward. Don't even think you won't go it won't help. IT WILL. You will be amazed how better you will feel. Your unhappiness and anger is all mixed up. You are angry with your husband. You are feeling GUILTY. You don't know how to handle all these feelings and they are making you more unhappy and adding to your grief. You feel you killed your baby and your husband killed your baby. I think your unborn child was a foetus at 6 weeks. It hadn't developed fully into a baby that can be classed as killing a child. But if I am wrong. You will eventually with the help of a counsellor be able to FORGIVE yourself and your husband for what happened. You ran away to safety. You made a decision based on FEAR from your community and its beliefs. You cannot continue to live with FEAR and torment. I hope you can find a SAFE place to live where you and your husband can cope with life better. It would be unwise to have another child until you FORGIVE yourself for losing the first one. You will have a better pregnancy. You will have a better chance of having a healthy child if you are not worrying otherwise you will pass all these unhappy emotions to your foetus/unborn child. Please write again if you need to. Please find a way to FORGIVE YOURSELF AND YOUR HUSBAND for the loss of your unborn child. You BOTH deserve to be HAPPY!

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