My Baby's Suicide

by Kathy Schulz
(Pacific, MO)

My youngest son, my baby, went home after drinking for more than 12 hours, he was an alcoholic, and put a belt around his neck, attached to the shelf in his closet, went to his knees, he was 6'7", and took his own life. The day the sheriff's office showed up at my house to inform me, half of my heart was ripped out and no one nor nothing can replace that half. My son, Martin Allen Schulz was 28 years, 10 months, and 10 days old and now he would be 30. I have gone on with my life, but not a moment goes by I don't think about Marty, not all sad thoughts, but thoughts none the less. When your child chooses to end their own life, the guilt for not recognizing symptoms and doing something to help them, is the worst.

Comments for My Baby's Suicide

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May 12, 2013
My Baby's Suicide.
by: Doreen U.K.

Barb I am sorry for your loss of your son to suicide. My nephew of 30yrs. threw himself in front of an express train and changed our worlds forever. He cried out for HELP and no one really heard him. It is too late now. My sister was mad with grief, and needed a counsellor to come to her home to support her. Thank God 6yrs. on she is in a more stable place but now looking after our father who is dying.
I lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 1yr. ago so I am grieving also.
Your son was a grown man and may have resented your caring as interference. We can't re-parent our adult children. My son was a child and resented me parenting him. taking him to church as a child he saw as cruelty. I say this so that you can see that it doesn't matter how we try to care for our children/adult children they will still go on and do what they want even if it is to choose a destructive lifestyle. You are the one who is left tortured by his death. There are so many influences out there in the world which is why so many people are taking their own lives. Your son didn't love you any less because he took his own life. He just couldn't stay in his world anymore. When someone is in crisis they can only see their own misery. They cannot process anything beyond where they are and how they can't stand it anymore and impulsively he took his own life. It had nothing to do with you not picking up on the signs. There will always be signs. I was always worried my son would kill himself. Later he told me that he is a coward and couldn't do it. But I think he could. I can pick up the signs. But there is nothing I can do. He is a grown man and makes his own decisions. All I did was PRAY to God for him and Let God take control of the situation and keep his mighty hand on him. I am glad you are going to counselling and in a grief group. You will be well supported here and find healing. You will in time Heal from this terrible pain of the loss of your son.
I know what you say about relatives going their own way after the funeral thinking you should get over it. IGNORE THEM. They don't have a clue how desperate you feel and will be this way for some time. After the funeral we get forgotten. You won't always feel the way you do now. It is early days. I pray God comforts you in your grief and releases you from any guilt and responsibility for your loss.

May 11, 2013
My baby boy, Tom, is gone
by: Barb

Kathy,
March 25, 2013, my baby boy took his life as well. He was 29 years old. Hanged himself in the closet of his apartment bedroom. I got no details from the coroner, as I requested none. I don't need details, it doesn't even matter.

My son was an alcoholic. He knew it, and he knew that I knew it too. He suffered greatly after his first DUI, got his license back and 10 days later drove drunk again. I knew there was something wrong, aside from the DUI. I always felt like a black cloud was over him. There was something not right. I built a wall around myself regarding his drinking. I even left the state for 2 years. I came back and was able to be with my son for 1 year before he took his life. Still, something wasn't right. I didn't recognize the signs, as most of the time he was pretty happy. He was always happy around his friends, therefore they knew nothing was wrong. Toward the end, he started to be sad around me, but I just chalked it up to the DUI. Why didn't I recognize the signs. That will haunt me for the rest of my miserable life.

I'm going to clean out his storage locker today, with the help of some of his friends. I am not sure how I'll react. Maybe I'll get there and go home. I don't know yet.

I started some counseling, and have joined a group of parents that have lost children to suicide. The groups run every 2 months, and every 2 months they are full. It sickens me. It sickens me that there are so many of us. Why? Why is this such an epidemic? Why? Why didn't he come to me? Why didn't I recognize the signs? Why couldn't I help him?

My heart is broken and will never mend. Tom, if you can hear me, please know this; this irrational, horrible thing you did is destroying me. You told me you loved me over and over again throughout the years. Really? How do you love someone and cause them this much pain? I would never do that to you - never. They say that if you'd have thought about me when you did it, you would have never done it. Is that true? Was I nowhere in your thoughts?

I live alone, and after only 6 weeks, all of the family and friends support is now gone. They don't want to hear about it anymore. I resent that, but people are just so busy they don't have time to deal with a grieving person. It's sad.

Please accept my thoughts of love and support. I grieve with you, and for every parent that lost their child to this senseless act. Try to go on as best as you can. I care, and always will.

Jun 10, 2012
The loss of your son to Suicide
by: Doreen England U.K.

Dear Kathy
I am sorry for your loss of your son to Suicide. The pain of a mother losing her son this way is immense and unbearable. Wondering if you could have done something, or if you missed something that was a clue. Don't beat yourself up as often there is nothing a mother could have done that would have changed the outcome. It is part of the grief to question this way.
My sister lost her 30 year old son to suicide 5 years ago. His name was Peter and he was on anti-depressants which had side effects that caused suicidal tendencies. He would go to the top of buildings and shout down "Somebody Please help me" My sister is angry that she did not let him come home to stay for a while. But Peter was rude and unruly to his stepfather who is a good man and had to walk away often as it all became too much for him.
Peter ended his life by throwing himself in front of an express train. My sister did not have a body to speak of so she could not grieve properly. She was mad with grief and very angry. It was a difficult time for us as a family. I hope you are able to recover from this tragedy.

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