My beautiful baby boy Blake
(South West UK)
My beautiful Blakey x
On the morning of February 13th, 2012, I found my son Blake had fallen asleep and never woken up, he looked asleep but as soon as I awoke that morning I just knew. He wasn't wriggling. My partner too did CPR and we even took Blake in the ambulance, God they tried but said he had already been gone for an hour or two. He was still warm. I think the first thing I felt- Pure ANGER. WHY was Blake chosen to go ? Such a happy contented baby. And what made me angry most of all was the fact that everyone else was going about their lives, I felt like standing in the middle of the Earth and shouting 'Excuse me ! My son has died, my beautiful 10 week old baby boy is gone so you damn well STOP'. Soon these feelings turned to guilt, did he have an underlying problem I never spotted ? How can I have carried on sleeping, surely as a mother I would have awoke and implicitly known he was in danger, i.e. not breathing ? It was only three and a half weeks ago so I am still trying to work through this grief. I feel like I don't want my life anymore and don't deserve it, I also have a beautiful daughter who is 6 and a supportive partner but all I want at the moment is Blake, and no that doesn't make me selfish at all. For the rest of my life I will have questions, would Blake have liked this ? or, He would have been starting school today......... and to me, the prospect of the rest of my life without my Blake is just a thought I can't see happening.
I can swear sometimes I feel him around me still, as scientists have proven that energy changes, therefore I see Blake as being another, different form of energy, i.e his soul, but don't know whether it's just the rational part of my brain saying, that's what you WANT to happen. I visited him many times in the hospital mortuary or the funeral home, because although I knew his soul wasn't there, I wanted to look at the beautiful, perfect shell we had created. I hate old people at the moment for having their long life, also people that it hasn't happened to.
I hope that in time I feel Blake more, that is the only thing that will bring me peace, the ONLY thing.