My beautiful brother Tom
My beautiful little brother committed suicide two weeks ago.. August 23rd 2012 at only 19 years old. He had struggled with psychosis after being diagnosed a year ago. When my dad says we lost tom 3 years ago mentally it crushes me.. I didnt lose tom 3 years ago he was still my little brother even if he wasnt communicating or connecting with the world I still needed to look after him. He jumped from a bridge onto a busy road...when my parents told me i thought he'd been out with friends, been silly and was in hospital with a broken leg at worst but he wasnt ... he left the house that day for one of his walks and he knew he wasnt coming back. Its still so raw every morning its like you cant breathe ... you cant talk. Nobody understands.
I have lit a candle in my room tonight and have searched the internet for words to describe how this feels.. because how do you describe how this feels? The words left by everyone here have been such a comfort for me.. I wanted to let you all know that I think you are so brave... i dont know how life goes on now, everyone is telling you to live your life for two people but i cant even get through one day without breaking inside.
There are so many questions that you find running around in your head.. even when people are talking and you are communicating with them its all you can think of. Why didnt he give us any sign of suicidal behaviour he had never hurt himself before... why that bridge, why that day, why couldnt we help him, why so final....
I hope I will be able to accept one day that his suffering has ended and hes at peace now but its so hard. I want to find the strength to look into the future and the sky's and think of him but all i want to do now is hold him and tell him that everything is going to be okay.