My beautiful brother Tom

by Kate
(England)

My beautiful little brother committed suicide two weeks ago.. August 23rd 2012 at only 19 years old. He had struggled with psychosis after being diagnosed a year ago. When my dad says we lost tom 3 years ago mentally it crushes me.. I didnt lose tom 3 years ago he was still my little brother even if he wasnt communicating or connecting with the world I still needed to look after him. He jumped from a bridge onto a busy road...when my parents told me i thought he'd been out with friends, been silly and was in hospital with a broken leg at worst but he wasnt ... he left the house that day for one of his walks and he knew he wasnt coming back. Its still so raw every morning its like you cant breathe ... you cant talk. Nobody understands.

I have lit a candle in my room tonight and have searched the internet for words to describe how this feels.. because how do you describe how this feels? The words left by everyone here have been such a comfort for me.. I wanted to let you all know that I think you are so brave... i dont know how life goes on now, everyone is telling you to live your life for two people but i cant even get through one day without breaking inside.

There are so many questions that you find running around in your head.. even when people are talking and you are communicating with them its all you can think of. Why didnt he give us any sign of suicidal behaviour he had never hurt himself before... why that bridge, why that day, why couldnt we help him, why so final....

I hope I will be able to accept one day that his suffering has ended and hes at peace now but its so hard. I want to find the strength to look into the future and the sky's and think of him but all i want to do now is hold him and tell him that everything is going to be okay.

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Oct 29, 2012
Xxxxx
by: Anonymous

Please contact me at heatherlouise89@hotmail.com I lost my little brother 5 days ago to suicide I am having my own suicidal thoughts I just want my baby bro back and no one can make that happen. Someone please tell me it gets easier tell me how you got through it xxxx

Sep 05, 2012
My brother too, Kate
by: Mona

Kate, my brother committed suicide on August 27th 2012. I've found it extremely difficult as we were only 2 years a part. My whole job has been taking care of my parents, planning the funeral, etc., he was a veteran. My heart goes out to you. We can do this.

Sep 03, 2012
My beautiful brother Tom
by: Doreen U.K.

Kate I am sorry for your loss of your baby brother Tom to suicide. I live in England also. You will probably benefit from seeing a CRUSE bereavement counsellor. suicide is a tragic sudden death and it needs specialist care and support. My sisters son Peter was 30yrs. and he suffered depression. He was put on medication that causes suicidal feelings. Peter would go up to tall buildings and bridges and shout down "Someone please HELP ME!!!!" Often a taxi driver or someone would come. then he felt all alone and no one came and so 5 yrs ago he threw himself in front of an express train. My sister was literally MAD WITH GRIEF. She had to have a counsellor come to her home to support her. She thought she would never recover. My sister has some very bad days of grief. She feels so isolated and lonely and goes on her own website. Compassionate friends. She will be scarred for life. The hurt will never go away. At the funeral they had to have a closed casket. The fire services had to use thermal imaging to locate all the body pieces from the tracks. She said the inquest was so horrific she is glad that none of us her family were there to hear. She is haunted by these memories. I know what your father means when he says that your brother died 3 years ago. This is when the changes started. My husband Steve was diagnosed 28th March 2009 with MESOTHELIOMA lung cancer caused by working with asbestos. That is when I died inside. The day Steve was diagnosed with this deadly cancer. I nursed Steve for over 3yrs. It was a very slow painfull death. It is very painfull to watch someone suffer and you can't help them. The whole family suffers. Your brother was so young. In his mind he could not go on living. It was as if he was tortured inside and the only way out was to jump off that bridge. I have had times in my life when I wanted to throw myself in front of a moving car when life was so bad I couldn't go on. I put myself in the hospital for rest. I then went into counselling and it was very painfull but I GOT MY LIFE BACK. YOU WILL TOO.! These are difficult days for you in the first stages of grief. You will feel as if your soul is bleeding and it won't stop. It is the most painfull experience for us here on this grief site. My sister is asking the same questions? Why! If only I let him come back home? If only I answered his cries for help? She is tortured. She says he died all alone. HE ISN'T SUFFERING ANYMORE. It is the ones left behind that are the one's who are suffering. Healing from this death by suicide is very slow. You can Recover in time but more so with the support of a counsellor. I hope that the days, weeks, months ahead will give you some PEACE from your PAIN & GRIEF. One day at a time.#

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