My Beautiful Darling, Best Friend and Soulmate has been gone almost 18 months

by Lynne
(Perth Western Australia)

It's now almot 18 months since my most Precious Darling Husband passed away. I still feel the pain, and miss him so terribly, but thank goodness, I have managed to move on a lot, and am not just totally paralyzed by my grief. For the first 12 months I truly thought I'd gone totally crazy. I couldn't function at all. Now I am beginning to move on, but still I cry most days and I cannot get my head around the fact that My Darling is never coming back. Losing someone you adored is indescribable, it unravels the very core of your soul, leaves you devastated and helpless.

I couldn't imagine how I could ever move on from that, but I am now able to walk out from under the big heavy grey cloud and see the sunshine a little more each day. I have made some life changing decisions and once I sell my home (I can't live here any more, its too sad for me) I am going to Africa to do voluntary work in the orphanages in Arusha, Tanzania. It has inspired me so much since I made that decision, and to be able to help others whose lives are so shocking, certainly helps me to get life back into perspective once again.

My Darling John always knew I wanted to do this, and said on a couple of occasions to go for awhile, but it wasn't the right time, but now it certainly is.

To those of you who who are just starting the journey of Grief, please know that you will get through the darkness, you will be able to function again eventually, you will be able to look at your loved ones photo and not dissolve into total despair. This takes time though, and as so many people said to me it takes a lot of patience. I am not a patient person, and I realise now that my impatience only made my journey harder. Whatever you feel on the day is OK. Live each moment as it comes, and be kind to yourself. In doing this you will be able to slowly move forward, even though you may believe you never ever will.

I believe one never gets over losing a loved one, you just learn to live with it, and you will eventually be able to move on in your own journey of living.

I purchased a wee golden retriever puppy and named him JED, which were My Darlings initials. Coincidentally I found out when I went to bring him home he was born on July 1st, which was My Darling Johns birthday. This makes Jed all the more special. I have also got an adorable new grandson Jack, who also helps light up my life.

I am not the same person I was before My Darling passed away, it changes you forever, but eventually you can see that the "new you", is a beautiful person, and so much better for having loved and survived the loss.

Never ever give up, just live one moment at a time. I promise the pain does ease with time.

Love from Lynne

Comments for My Beautiful Darling, Best Friend and Soulmate has been gone almost 18 months

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Dec 22, 2010
Thank you-Thank you
by: Lynne

Dear Pat,

I am so sorry to hear you have lost your Darling Husband so recently. What you are going through at the moment, is the hardest thing you will ever have to do, believe me. Like you My Darling was my best friend, soulmate, most Precious Person, my everything. My children have grown up and we were so much in love for the almost 30 years we were married. It is totally unbelievable that they have gone, but I think that is natures way of lessening the pain a bit. Otherwise we would never get through it.

I think back to where I was when I had first lost John and i realise how far I have come. You will move on at your own pace Pat, and don't let anyone or anything tell you it's time you snapped out of it, or let go, or all the other things well meaning people say. This is YOUR JOURNEY no-one elses, and you do what is right for you.

Once you get to the other side of the big dark grey cloud of grief, as I call it, you will see little bits of light shining through and they will get more and more. Allow yourself to grieve with love and patience. It does take time and you will think you will never ever get there. I definitely thought that and wondered why I was allowing myself to go on, but we must go on, we have a lot to live for, but not until you have done the grief will you realise that fully.

You are right the more you adored someone the harder the grief. That in itself is a good thing in a strange way i guess. Keep looking ahead, don't even think about yesterday and how you were. You can change several times in a day, from depths of despair to sadness to slightly happy then back to the depths. Wherever you are, every second is one second less for you to have to go through and you are getting closer to the time when grief doesn't totally control your every moment of the day.

I hope you are able to see a bit of bright light over the Christmas Season. It wont be easy, and remember your loved one is always with you. I truly believe that and I talk to him, cry at him, hug his photo all the time. That was my way, it may not be yours but you will find ways to help you through. This is a marvelous site and will be a great help to you also. you wont feel quite so alone.
Love Lynne x x

Dec 22, 2010
Thank you-Thank you
by: Pat

I lost my husband on December 3rd of this year. It's been only 2 1/2 weeks. I've lost 12 pounds in two weeks which I know isn't healthy but I just can't seem to get the food down. I think I was in a state of shock for the first 10 days and now reality has set in. The grief is overwhelming but I do find comfort in the stories on this site. I think I was having panic attacks about the thought of having to find a job. I left my job in July to care for my husband. I don't regret one day of it. We spent every moment of his last four months together. I know I have to take one day at a time. I can't think about what may or may not happen next month.

I was reading a book this morning called "God Is In The Tough Stuff." It states that we grieve so hard because we loved so much. Some people go through their entire lives without finding a soul mate. My husband was my best friend. I know my life will never be the same again but you give me hope that one day I will see the sun shine again.

I'm in a dark place right now and praying for some relief. The Christmas holiday doesn't help but I have three young grandsons that are looking forward to Santa's visit. I have to put on a happy face for them. Bless you.

Dec 22, 2010
Its out there
by: Jen

Lynne,
Meant to add in the last message that i too have a little dog Archie and he is very much a part of my everyday and my getting thro. May sound odd to some but they are amazing company and are always there for us from we go out to coming in.
I truly would be lost without him.

We can do it and i hope i will keep going forward on this unwanted journey but still a journey we will travel thro.

Richard's funeral was two years tomorrow and i am stronger than last year for sure.
Northern Ireland is full of snow at the minute and is thrusting my two teenage girls and i together just chilling and watching good old christmas movies

Keep stepping forward. The world is out there, lets go find it .

Take care

Jen

Dec 21, 2010
Hi Jen,
by: Lynne

Hi Jenn,

Thanks for your comment. Yes as we have journeyed through the darkest part of our journey through grief, it is a huge relief to know and to be able to tell others, that there really is a place after the grief, that actually seems to be even more beautiful than before. I still have a way to go, but now I am positive, confident again and really excited about my future.

When people told me this would be my life once I had gone through the Grief, I totally didn't believe them, as I truly thought I would be stuck in this dark place forever. I was so wrong and I really want others to know, there really is a life out there after grief.
Love Lynne

Dec 21, 2010
My dogs
by: Jen

Hi Lynne,
I am Jen and lost my husband two years ago yesterday, third time round with cancer.

I too have come a long way and agree that tho the dark days hit really hard and unexpected i too can smile sometimes and have fun with our girls.

There is a world there and it is still worth living as Richard would have wanted me to.
I was lucky to have him in my life for 20 yrs, not long enough but still really special.

I wish you well and i hope that light continues to shine........
We will get there wherever that is.......

Jen

Dec 20, 2010
Lost my darling just a little over a month ago
by: Lynne

Hi Cindy,

I'm so happy that my comments have helped you to see that you are not alone in your grief. It is a very very hard thing to have to deal and live through, but i can honestly say, that you will get better as time evolves. You are in the very early stages at the moment, where the shock and the numbness and even disbelief are rife. It's like there is you and then there is the rest of the world. You will slowly get through it all, just be patient and live one moment at a time.

People will say all sorts of things, and they mean well, but sometimes they are a bit thoughtless. Unless anyone has been through grief, they wouldn't and couldn't possibly understand the depth of it and what it does to your mind and body. Accept how you feel, do what you need to to get you through the day. Nurture yourself, just doing kind little things for yourself, makes you feel worthwhile.

My confidence was way down, I felt helpless and hopeless, but now I can see the light a lot more.
Love your doggies, they are the best friends you have got. My Jed knows if I'm down, and he just comes and puts his head on my knee, with all his drool etc, but it is such a comfort.
Take care Cindy
Love Lynne

Dec 20, 2010
Thankyou by Melissa
by: Lynne

Hi Melissa,

I am so glad that my words have helped you in some small way. When you have also cared for your loved one for so long that compounds your grief. I cared totally for My Darling who was a very sick man for over two years. My whole focus was only on him, the rest of my life was just dropped. I wanted it that way, and my children (who are adults) used to say I should get out more. I was happy just giving everything I had to give to him.

I was a nurse so I was able to keep him out of hospital a lot also, as we had oxygen etc at home. Not only was I left with indescribable grief when he went I was also left with a huge hole to fill, because now I was on my own and no-one to care for. That I feel compounded my grief, as I had nothing to focus on. You will be feeling the same. To give someone all the love and caring as you have is a beautiful thing. Know that you made your Gram a very happy and loved lady. A very lucky lady also to have someone like you to adore her and care for her.

I just want to tell you Melissa that eventually in your own time, you will feel better. It takes patience, but I found just going one moment at a time was the best way for me. I tried not to look back, except of course for lovely memories, which are ours to keep. Don't even think about tomorrow, cos who knows what is in store for us, until it comes.

The pain of grief is immense, even though I have nursed for many years and seen families grieving, until I lost My Darling I had absolutely "NO IDEA" anything could be so hard. However it would be a terrible thing if we had no-one to grieve for, because that would mean we had no-one in our lives who we adored so much, it is almost impossible to be without them.

Time does heal, even though in your early stages its hard to believe. I found I was doing things that were so crazy to me, couldn't think straight, still can't on lot of things. But it does honestly get better.

Love yourself Melissa and nurture yourself now, because you are the one who needs nurturing. Talk to your Gram as if she is there, it does help me. Take care and hopefully in the not too distant future you will start to see a bit of sunshine from within the grey clouds of grief. it will happen I promise.
Love Lynne

Dec 20, 2010
Thank you.
by: Melissa

Hi Lynne,

Thanks so much for your inspiring words. I have lost my Gram, who was Mom to me, and my best friend almost 2 months ago. I am beside myself with grief, and often wonder how I am getting through the days, going to work, and semi functioning. Inside, I feel like I am dying myself. I miss her beyond words. Everyday I cared for her for years, and held her hand, and hugged her. Now, I can't do that, and it tears me up.

I am trying my best to be strong, as that is how she raised me, and she was truly the strongest person I've ever met. She fought long and hard for me, to stay here as long as she possibly could. I have to find comfort in that.

I am glad to hear you are doing better, although I know a wound such as this never really goes away. It is good to know there is some light down the road.
Thanks again!

Dec 20, 2010
Thankyou by Anne
by: Lynne

Hi Anne, you are in the very initial stages of your journey through grief. yes you are right, a year would seem like an eternity for you, but it is better if you don't look that far ahead. It is different for everyone, but if you just live in the moment, do whatever you feel like doing, be really kind to yourself, be your own best friend. If you feel like staying under the blankets one morning, then do it.

There are no rules or regulations, just doing what feels right at the time. i cant believe it's almost 18 months since My Darling went. i guess it should seem like a life time away, but a lot of this time was spent in a thick fog where I didn't really function very well at all.

You will get through it, you are not alone, this website is an awesome tool to help you move on, at your own pace. If I can get there, after just falling in a heap, and paralyzed with grief, you can do the same. Just be very kind to yourself.
Love Lynne

Dec 20, 2010
thank you
by: Lyn Ann

Hi - thank you for this. I lost my love about a month ago. On the one hand your message give me great hope for the future - but on the other hand a year seems SO long....

At this point I can't even imagine being like this for another 330 days or longer...

but I guess it is necessary...
Thanks, Lyn Ann

Dec 19, 2010
The Long road of grief
by: Lynne

Dear HH, I am so happy that my comments have been able to help you see, that as hard as it is, you can move forward. Some days I still wake up and want to pull the blankets over my head and stay there in my misery, but not very often now thank goodness. As I said in my previous blog, just accept what the day brings you. If it's a sad and helpless day, then allow yourself to be sad and helpless. Nurture yourself though and remind yourself it's "just a day", you haven't slid back into the devastating grief. Thank you for your lovely comments and believe me you will be OK when the time is right for you. Everyone is different, and you are you, so your journey will be just yours. I wish you all my very best wishes, and I know you will find that your grief will be less and less encumbering with time.

Of course its Christmas time now and that is a very emotional time, but you will get through it, because you have come so far already.I watched the singing of Christmas carols on T.V. last night and cried all the way through them. I also think that when i do have a crying sad time, that that is one less I have to do. I hope your Christmas is a lovely time for you. Look ahead because the road has less and less bumps in it.
Love Lynne

Dec 19, 2010
my beautiful darling, best friend
by: jules

Lynne - I am in Australia also - Queensland -and my darling has been gone 13 months today - I actually didn't register the date until I read your post. I was wondering why I was feeling so blue this morning - very weepy and alone.

Your words of encouragement are so comforting, I too feel that I am "getting there", but I don't think I will ever recover fully - I still have a shell on the outside, and sometimes cracks appear.
There are times when I doubt myself and my ability to carry on - but I know that I will - I have my beautiful daughter, her four boys and her husband, as well as my gorgeous son and his partner who care about me.

I just take that one step, one breath at a time and get on with my day.
I believe you are right in what you are doing, we have to make new lives for ourselves now, we can never be the same again, we are not that person any more.
take care

Dec 19, 2010
Lost my darling just a little over a month ago
by: Cindy

Lynne,

What an amazing comment and I feel so much like you. Rusty was my darling, best friend, soul mate, lover, etc. He was my everything and I am so lost without him. Life will never be the same. We were married almost 35 years ago when I was 18 years old. I had been with him almost all my life and don't know this life I am living. Thank you for sharing... sometimes I feel like I am walking around in this world by myself.

I love the story of your doggie you bought. I have two Yorkies and one of them was Rusty's little buddies. He always knew when his daddy would come home from work he was getting a treat. He did mourn when he left us. I am in so much grief I never knew my heart could hurt so much.

Cindy

Dec 19, 2010
The Long road of grief
by:

Lynne,

Thank You SOOOOOOO much for those words of encouragement and the acknowledgment that it does make you feel crazy that first year. I have barely got through the first year mark and though I feel stronger and managing more than I ever thought possible. I still feel in a fog and certain things will cue a memory and drag me back to that god awful feeling of helplessness.

So knowing that you have somehow adjusted and are attempting to move on helps me a great deal.

Knowing that the road ahead is not an impossible journey but just a difficult one that is worth overcoming.

My best to you and hoping that you continue to find strength and be proud of what you have gone through and will go through....
HH

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