My Beautiful Darling Mom

by Maria

As the saying goes, of all the things our mothers taught us, they didn’t teach us how to live without them. My family lost my precious mother on June 17, 2012. Her name is Inga and she came from Iceland. She read a lot of newsletters and books on natural health and eschewed hospitals, prescription medicines and aggressive treatments. But there was one day when I couldn’t take it anymore.
She was getting weak and I went shopping for items like a walker, a bath chair to put in the bathtub, etc. When I arrived home, she was on the floor. I wanted to call someone but she resisted. I deferred for awhile but couldn’t take it anymore and called 911. She didn’t want to go to the hospital but I convinced her, saying we would come right back home. I found out that she had congestive heart failure and her ejection fraction was 15%. While at the hospital, someone asked if I wanted to sign a DNR (“do not resuscitate”) form. You know what it’s like to sign something like that? It was emotional agony. Yet I knew that my mom provisioned the DNR in her medical directive and I later I summoned the courage to sign the form because that was my mom’s wishes. In Texas, showing the medical directive isn’t enough. You have to sign another form for hospice care. I broke down afterwards. We stayed in the hospital for 3 weeks. To respect my mom’s wishes, I told them that if my mom is to leave this life, then she wants to be at home. After coming home, she passed away 13 days later.
While looking for something to relieve my grief, I came across a book entitled Life After Life. The book cites case histories of people who were clinically dead but were later resuscitated. The people in the book described what happened to them while they were “dead”. It was striking to me because my mom described the same experience of being drawn into a dark, peaceful space like those mentioned in the book. This happened before she went into the hospital.
Most of my mom’s family lives overseas. Because she was home-bound, she lost contact with friends. Therefore, we declined funeral services and a formal memorial. It’s like she went away quietly and invisibly. Therefore, I writing here to let someone know she was here and very much loved and adored. I’m looking for more books on coping strategies and the afterlife. That is my therapy right now. I have no energy yet I cannot sleep. I sometimes feel restless and wonder if I did enough. I’m filled with guilt that I was not there as she passed (I was running an errand and believed I could get back home shortly). I’m so messed up, I’m lighting candles hoping her spirit will contact me.
The mother-daughter bond is profound. Even with all the frustrations and worries that come in life, my mom’s love was always unconditional. I never doubted her love for me and I believe she never doubted mine. I feel for anyone experiencing this emotional agony. I wish I could tell you how to cope but it is I who needs to learn how….

Comments for My Beautiful Darling Mom

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Sep 03, 2012
Thanks so much
by: Maria

Thanks so much for writing. August 26th would have been my mom's birthday. I felt sadness but I feel that my mom would want me to know she's in a better place just as your mother does. I feel comfort in knowing that our mothers continue to be with us and we will see them again some day.

Aug 24, 2012
All our moms are in heaven, they would not want us to cry
by: Mona

I lost my mom March 2011' ,she was diagnosed with Al's about 9 months earlier, what a sad time. What I would like to tell all of the broken and lonely hearted is that years ago my mom made me promise that when she died, I would not cry all the time and be depressed, after all she said, this is a journey that we all must travel. Maybe this bit of information will help, suppose all of us died before our moms, would we for one second want our dear mothers crying for us daily, or staying depressed, letting sadness consume them until they die. We have to realize that we would not want our mothers to be sad anymore than they would want us to be sad. I know it's normal to grieve , but we have to move on and live our lives to the fullest. Mothers don't want to think their family is sad, epically their daughters, so let's be thankful for being blessed with wonderful moms and do what I do, look up at the stars and tell your mom you miss her ,your doing fine and you,ll see her later, in heaven of course. I am writing my story about my mom and how she let us know she made it to heaven, and to assure you that one day we will see them again. I probably won't post my story til Aug. 26th. Lets all say a prayer for each other tonight, he does listen, and it took my sweet mom dying to make me more of a spiritual person. If this helps just one person be more at ease with their loss, then I'm happier and so is their mom.

Jul 04, 2012
by: Maria

Dear friends,
When I wrote about my mom, I did so as one of the means of dealing with my grief and not expecting anything more so I submitted what I had to say and left it at that. Just by chance, I happened to come back to this site and what a surprise to learn that you all were kind enough to write back and give me comfort even as far away as England! My mom lived in London before coming to the states and one of my mom’s interests was learning about the royal history of England from the Victorian ages to the present. We loved the wedding of Prince William and Kate. Thank-you Doreen for your kind words!
Because I work in a library, it perhaps isn’t surprising that I’ve been turning to books to help me heal. I’m reading a book entitled Feathers Brush My Heart and another book on meditations entitled Healing After Loss. I also have a journal to help me transcend my grief. I plan on reading the books that Lori mentioned, Losing a Parent and Unsinkable. You’ve been so helpful!
One of the many gifts my mom gave me and the one I miss most of all, was her unconditional love. Such love is so precious and valuable. And sadly, these days it seems to be becoming rarer. I hope to feel that unconditional love once again in my life. It is heartening to learn that Pat has been so blessed with such love with a long, loving marriage and 5 children. I’m taking your advice and talking to my mom!
I still feel like I’m in survivor mode and just getting through the days but I believe I’ll be able to move forward someday. You all don’t know how much I appreciate your support!

Jun 25, 2012
feeling very much the same way.....
by: Lori

I lost my beloved mom on April 11 after she suffered immensely for 6 days with less than half a heart after suffering with a stroke being bedbound for just under 5 years. It all seems so unfair, she suffered so much these last 5 years and then for her to be pleading day and nite with God to please take her she was in so much pain. I just do understand it all. She was the light of my life, I now feel like an orphan not having siblings, husband or kids or even many friends to be there for me. I have our 4 wonderful poodles who are suffering in their own way wondering where mommy went and why. She was an artist, did many crafts, a beautiful/talented person inside and out. Always loving and giving I wish I was more like her. I am reading two books that have helped some- one called Losing a Parent is so so helpful and the best one a book called Unsinkable(I feel pretty sinkable yet!) by Sonia Ricotti it has helped me the most so far but still not enough to feel like I am going to bounce back from this yet. Like you we did not do a funeral per se- no family/friends to come we did a graveside service which included her 4 much loved toy poodles. I wish I had magic words for you all I can say so far is some days are a bit better than others than BOOM it hits again like while cleaning up from the garage sale to try to sell some of her clothes this week. I wish you strength and know you are not alone in this- not that that helps much but....

Jun 25, 2012
Darling Beautiful Mom
by: Pat J

Dear Maria,
I am so sorry for the loss of you mom. Your grief is oh so fresh. God works in mysterious ways;I always say that and once again finding that to be oh so true
Today, is June 25th; my mom passed away 36 years ago today. She lived 11 years dealing with breast cancer; numerous surgeries, chemo,radiation,years of remission, then dealing with this awful disease again. She died the day before my 11th wedding anniversary, 36 years ago. When she died I lost not only my mother, but my best friend. My husband was there to help me through it and we had 5 little children, my baby was 3 months old when my mom died.
Today, I am dealing with new emotions on the anniversary of her death. I guess I was meant to come upon your posting. I come to this site everyday. Tomorrow would be my 47th wedding anniversary, June 26th, but unfortunately, June 27th, it will be one year my husband has died, from a massive heart attack.
Life does go on after we lose a loved one. Our life is never the same. So many family traditions changed after my moms death. She was only 50 years old and my dad was so lost without her. I, being the oldest took over family traditions. I only had one brother and being a girl, I felt it was my responsibility to step up to the plate, as they say.
Since my husbands death, so many times I just go through each day in survivor mode, just doing what has to be done. I joined a grief support group through my church and I have developed a friendship with three other widows. We do things together. I've done things with them. New opportunities and doors have opened up to me. My adult children tell me I am now living my life for myself. I was with my husband since the age of 15. I married him at the age of 18. At the age of 20 we started having our family. I had my last child at the age of 29, lost my mom at the age of 29. My dad lived 30 years without my mom. It was 6 years on April 30th, since his death. I grieved the loss of my parents; grieving the loss of my husband has been a daily struggle. Some days are better than others. Just the mention of his name, causes this ache in my heart. I know that ache will never go away. 36 years later, thoughts of my mom still bring tears; not always, but they are just always there.
People say time heals, things get better. I don't think so; we just learn to accept this new life and go on without them physically. They will always live in our hearts and they are waiting for us. I feel my husbands presence in this house. He died at home and his spirit is here with me. I always feel like he is just in another room.
Maria, talk to your mom. I still talk to both my parents. No, she won't answer you; but you will feel her presence. I talk to my husband the first thing when I wake up and I talk to him everynight, when I go to bed. We do what we have to, to go on without them.
God Bless You. We all are alot stronger than we realize. Take it one day at a time, sometimes just moments at a time.

Jun 25, 2012
My beautiful darling Mom
by: Doreen England U.K.

Hi Maria,
I am sorry for the loss of your Mum Inga. You tell a very intersting story of your mom and her life. Your experience is similar to mine. My husband wanted to die at home and also I had to sign for Steve a DNR. This is the sad and painfull reality of life. We die and we can't be taught to die well or how to live without our loved one. You will realize why? You can't imagine the pain of losing your loved ond what this pain feels like till you have gone through it. Only someone who has gone through this will know. We learn how to live well by weathering all the storms we have in our journey of life. It is what people say about us when we die that counts whether we have lived well.
Because most of your moms family probably lived in iceland made the funeral that much more of a private thing, and you didn't have relatives there supporting you or just sharing in your grief. I hope life gets better with each day for you and you will realize you have friends on this website who are supporting you and know what you are going through. You are not ALONE in your grief. You will cry a lot till you know when to stop and when it feels better for you. It is a hard journey. Best wishes.

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