My beautiful daughetr Nicola

by Terri Kidman
(Liverpool (UK))

I came across this site purely by accident, although now I feel as though it was meant to be. My eldest daughter Nicola died suddenly on December 6 2012 aged just 32 and she left behind a void that I don't believe will ever be filled. Nic was married just 6 years to David and was the most wonderful mummy to my two beautiful grandsons Joel and Zach

She was also kind, funny, compassionate, stubborn and full of life. From being my baby, she grew to be my friend and confidante and I miss our times together so much. She was more than a sister to my younger daughter Laura and I was always amazed at the special bond they shared. They even seemed to have some sort of secret language that would leave them both in hysterics (and nobody else got the joke!)

I feel completely impotent and bewildered, without answers to so many questions. Most days life takes on a surreal quality where this heartbreak is happening to another family. How could it possibly be that WE must spend the rest of our lives missing someone so essential to our existence?

I now realise that the pain of losing Nicola will never leave but if I can somehow, in the future, learn to cope then nothing else will ever hurt so much.

For now though, I spend my days and nights crying for my lost child, and just remembering to breathe.

Comments for My beautiful daughetr Nicola

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Mar 03, 2013
My beautiful daughter Nicola
by: Doreen U.K.

Terri I wouldn't focus so much on your anger at God because He knows already. I have had a strong Faith And belief in God and weathered many storms and never felt so Angry with God when I lost my Husband to cancer. I had emailed all the God Channels and hopeful for Steve to be healed of his cancer especially when I also receive 6 daily devotional readings which mention God Is our Healer and He doesn't want us to be Ill. The Bible is full of Healing Scriptures also. I felt very desperate to hold onto my husband's life. I felt a wave of panic. I didn't want Steve to die. To me this was the worst thing to happen to me in my life. When Steve died I was so Angry with God. I felt let down. Disappointed. WHY? I told God I didn't want to be Angry with Him but I was and I had no control over it. I waited. I allowed myself to express how I felt. God is healing me slowly from this anger against Him. I cannot pray like I used to. I can't pick up my Bible to read. But I follow the God Channel on Sky and I get all the comfort, strength and Hope to go on each day plus writing and reading on this site. We are not going to be Healed too soon from our Loss and our Grief. This is HUGE. We could never imagine such Pain. God Knows. I focused on Jesus in the Garden of Gethsemane when He asked God if it were His will to remove this cup from Him. Jesus didn't want to die. Even if he took his life again 3 days later. He had a purpose and He fulfilled this purpose to SAVE US from our SINS which caused Death in the first place. Remember how Jesus felt. FORSAKEN. ALONE. He needed his disciples to watch with him and be supportive. BUT. They fell asleep. Jesus said. "Couldn't you watch even one hour with me." Jesus even uttered from the cross. "My God" "My God." "Why have you forsaken me." I found healing in this statement. Even if we have to lose our loved one's. Jesus knows how we feel. He is carrying us through it. We have to feel the sorrow and Pain as He felt when going to the Cross. BUT. One day we will be reunited with our loved ones. I told God. But we have to dwell on the earth. WE need people. We can't live in isolation. I will one day find my purpose to the rest of the days of my life. But it is still a long Painful and Lonely Journey. May God Comfort you and Help you find your way back into Life and into His Will and Fold.

Mar 02, 2013
On prayer
by: Kate

It is very hard sometimes to find God in death,many go through this separation. Death is so hard to accept! An makes no sense to us that our precious ones are gone,yes it is hard to find God because anger at death overwhelms us. When I was finally able to look for God it felt as if he was crying with me. Then later when I looked for Him again I felt compassion.
God really loves us. We just have been separated by the huge dark impact of death. In time you will see your faith return,anything you feel is ok in this situation because you are in grief! Sending cyber hug. You have to take time to grieve,we are filled with so many emotions and we don't know the way. We stumble through the days and somehow survive one day at a time.

Mar 02, 2013
Our stories...
by: Lynne

...are nearly identical. I lost my beautiful, funny, loving daughter Jessica a year ago (actually the 29th of Feb.) at the age of thirty. She had also been married for 6 years to our wonderful son-in-law Gary and left her 5 year old daughter without her mommy.

Jessica and her sister sound exactly like Nicola and her sister. Her loss has devastated our family. I Have only gone on because of what it would do to my family if I went to her. This first anniversary has been quite difficult. I know the pain and disbelief you're going through right now.

I wish I could help you, but know this is a tragic path that mothers do alone regardless of the love and support of friends and family. Just know that there are many of us here who do understand and are wrapping arms of compassion and love around you.

Mar 02, 2013
My beautiful daughter Nicola
by: Terri

I just wanted to say thank you so much to Kate and Doreen for taking the time to respond to my tribute to Nicola. I am so sorry for both your losses and my heart goes out to you. You sound like very strong, loving women and I would value any advice or thoughts you may have on how you deal with the devastation that loss brings.
One of the difficulties I face at the moment is not being able to pray. In the past my faith has brought me through dreadful situations, but nothing has prepared me for this unbelievable heartbreak. I feel SO angry with God and then I feel guilty for feeling angry! I'm not sure when I'll be ready to speak to Him, so I speak to Nic instead. I just hope I can return to my faith soon. Bless you both. Terri x

Mar 02, 2013
Your daughter
by: Kate

I understand all the words you wrote,I feel them. I lost my wonderful son Louie on November 17. I don't know how I have made it thus far except by help of Holy God,because on my own i have nothing to be able to endure this shattering heartache. I awake straight away thinking he is gone. I have never been in such a complete emptiness in my life where my emotions are shocked to numbness. Then anger comes and whys and I should many thoughts that death brings.
It is the hardest thing ever and we are all together on this website,on the mourning bench . I am glad I found this site as well because it somehow helps express in the grief walk. My heart goes out to you in the loss of you wonderful daughter Nicola.

Mar 02, 2013
My beautiful daughter Nicola
by: Doreen U.K.

Terry I am sorry for your loss of your beloved daughter Nicola. What a tragedy. No mother should have to endure such an unbearable pain as this of losing a Child. I lost my husband of 44yrs. 10 months ago to a deadly cancer and this is the worst and most painful loss I have ever experienced. I feel vulnerable to loss and pray to God he doesn't take any of my 3 Adult Children. My youngest daughter is 32yrs. and living at home. The other 2 are older and married. OH! HOW IT HURTS. You may benefit from seeing a CRUSE bereavement counsellor. They are so skilled at supporting those in pain. Especially in the loss of a child/Adult Child. We as parents will never stop worrying about our children however old they are. We carry them for 9 months and are attached to us by an umbilical cord. Sometimes I feel as if this cord has never been cut, which is why a Mum has such a strong bond with her children. My heart hurts for you. Our children are very essential to our existence. It is still a very surreal experience for me losing my husband. I wake up in the night and feel a wave of panic. "Did this really happen." It is as if I dreamt it only to find it is REALITY. It is so cruel for your grandchildren to have to grow up without a mother. I hope your days ahead get a little easier and that Life will Bless you in some way. May you be comforted in your grief and loss of your beloved daughter.

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