My beautiful mom left this world on 3/3/2013...

by Lauri C.
(New York City)

My beautiful loving mom. ❤

My beautiful loving mom. ❤ this horrible thing called cancer. She had breast, brain, and bone cancer. I miss her like crazy, she was my best friend these past couple of years. I feel like a huge part of me died. I don't know what I'm going to do without her, she was always there for me and now, I don't have her, just memories that I wish I appreciated more at the moment. I honestly feel like I didn't appreciate her enough, I was rebellious in my teens and managed to make her life miserable at that time. I'm now 21 and in denial about all of this. I still can't believe she's gone and cry everyday. I'm usually a strong person with a strong personality but this...this is the worst thing that has happened to me in my entire life. She was the best mom in the world, she was my everything, she knew my secrets and I knew hers. I'm crying while writing this because it hurts to know that I can't talk to her after all this pain I feel right now meanwhile before, she was always listening and there by my side when I felt pain. I have no one I can have my really, really personal conversations with. I miss our random conversations, her childhood and teenage stories, her funny quotes, her personality, her style, her voice, her texts, her cooking, her sarcasm, her voicemails, her dances, her everything. She was a mom more than a woman. She was my mom, the best EVER. I love you and I miss you, mom.

Comments for My beautiful mom left this world on 3/3/2013...

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Mar 30, 2013
"Does it ever get any better?"
by: Doreen U.K.

Heather, I am sorry for your loss of your mom on March 17th. It is still so early in your grief which is why you are feeling this unbearable pain. We all felt like this in the early days, and some of us are still feeling it just as bad. Grief is different for each of us. It also has a bearing on the type of relationship we had with our mothers. The stronger the bond the deeper the pain. The pain of loss is as you aptly describe. "Like nothing I have ever felt before." and all we wish is for this pain to end. It almost feels cruel. We can take a painkiller, or medication for most physical ailments but nothing for the emotional pain we face when we lose someone precious from our lives. COUNSELLING is the only other way I know where we feel the full force of our painful loss and then we HEAL quicker from the counselling experience. But in all grief we have to endure pain and tears. BUT. We have to express this pain and tears otherwise we won't heal from this. To store it up is unwise because we will feel the full wrath of this pain later in life. It will be bubbling under the surface pressing for resolution. It is then many have to go into counselling then and it will take more sessions and more money to resolve our pain. Better to do it now in stages. YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT. ONE DAY AT TIME. "HEALING." we know is a very slow process. Which is why we don't grieve all at one time. Sometimes a song, a certain type of food. Seeing your loved one's handwriting on a piece of paper is all that it takes to trigger off our emotion of tears. But this is good because we are still grieving. Like anything in life. There has to be an end. There has to be a balance of sunshine and rain in life. A mixture of Joy and Sorrow. It somehow develops our character and makes us stronger in places we didn't know we were weak. We then go on in life to be stronger in ways we handle life's difficulties. We simply COPE BETTER. Heather I hope you realise you are not alone. You will get your life back in time and learn different ways of coping with your grief that is more manageable. You will go on to be happy again. You will just restructure your life in a way that will help you move forward. Best wishes.

Mar 29, 2013
by: Anonymous

Nobody that ever knows real loss can ever comment on it, everybody tries, they all tell you you I know what you are going through, so you know they are just trying to be kind and they don't know what to say. When at the same time you dont want them to say anything,just shake your hand and move on.

Mar 29, 2013
Miss you mam
by: Anonymous

I went shopping today and I bought a top i came home put it on looked in the mirror and walked out of the room, I stood and froze, I remembered who have I got to ask 'does tis look ok',' honestly do u really want me going out in this??'.I miss my mam everyday she was the only one that would have said ur bum looks huge u don't want to wear that.. Things that you never think matter are important xx

Mar 29, 2013
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you everybody for reading my post, I miss my mam every min of every day, I have a wee boy and he will never know my mam but I will make sure he does. This is great to let ur grief out, I feel so much better I have a plce to go to, to talk about my mam and wont feel like I will upset anybody xx

Mar 29, 2013
Anonymous 2
by: Anonymous

Thank you for ur kind comments on my post, I miss my mama every ,in of every day, iv had councelling and have a great family to talk to but there is only so much u want to share with ur family. When I read Laurie's post it was as if she went into my world, the private world where we weren't allowed to speak off.

Mar 27, 2013
To Heather from Canada...
by: Lauri

Everybody keeps asking me: how are you doing? Are you feeling better? And I just honestly say I'm hanging in there, I don't say I'm good or bad because the truth is I really am trying my best to hang in there. Words can't describe how I feel anymore, I try my best to explain it to people but I feel like no one gets it. This feeling of emptiness is horrible but I'm trying to go on with my life. I seriously still cry everyday, I can't help it, just like you said everything reminds me of her, LITERALLY everything. I can be in a public place, church, taking a shower, I let tears out, I cry because something reminds me her. Good and bad memories always come to mind...I've never felt this much pain in my life. The other day I was in my house with my dog listening to the old classic music we would sing a long to and I broke down a bit and started yelling "Mami!!!!! Mom!!!!", I needed to....I need her. I miss her yelling at me to clean my messy room, I miss her calling me while I worked because she was worried about me, I miss her texts telling me how much she loved me. My reason for telling you all of this? It's because I'm trying to be honest with you, I honestly still suffer from my mom's death, I sometimes still shake when I start crying, my aunt noticed that and took me to Florida with her and I stayed there for 2 weeks. Best 2 weeks I've had in a while, my aunt is like a replica of my mom's personality. I felt like I was with my mom again, it was awesome. Coming back to my house was hard, I was crying in the airport, in the plane, on my way to the house, and in my house. Heather, we're allowed to let it all out and that's what I'm doing, letting it all out with no shame, I've never acted like I how am acting now a days, crying and feeling down but I know I need to let it all out in order for me to feel much better. I know one day I'm going to go on a huge break down and let it all out and feel much better because that's what many people tell me and I believe it. I believe with in time it gets better, I know for a fact the pain doesn't go away but it does get better as time passes by. Knowing that my mom is not suffering anymore makes me feel a bit better but not having her here hurts and unfortunately, that feeling is much more powerful. I'm trying to be strong and hopefully it'll help me ease this pain little by little as i wish the same for you. I'm sorry if I don't make you feel any better but like I've said, I wanted to be honest on how I feel at the moment. We just got to be strong Heather, I hope you hang in there too. <3

Mar 26, 2013
Best friend
by: Anonymous

Oh my god I read your post and it was as if I was writing it myself, I had exactly the same relationship with my mam. I always thought we were on our own a unique relationship. My mam was an alcoholic most of my life, so it was very hard growing up with her. I never stopped loving her and she never stopped loving us. She was sober 11years before she died and she tried really hard to make up for all the time she missed, or messed up. She wasn't feeling well and kept having doctors appt but everything was always fine, then it got to the stage we demanded she went to the hospital for tests, she only went if I promised here she would come home! It was two weeks before they found anything, it was cancer, I fell to the ground it was as if they told me it was in me. Everyday, every test they just kept finding it, I stopped working and stayed with her every min of every day, she was my best friend, the other half of me, I didn't want her to be on her own. My dad and family would come up in the evenings to let me go home, 6 weeks later she died, I mite as well have gone with her. I was trying to hold everybody together I just kept going afraid that if I stopped it would hit me. I just wanted to curl up in a ball and stay there. It's been two years and every day is a struggle, i told her I got engaged two days before she died she was so happy she told everybody, iv got married and had a son since, I'm finding things v v hard everyday, it's a struggle. I want to have her here with me every min of everyday. I see here everywhere and my husband says I'm getting more like her, he only ever saw the 'good' mammy..but I'm finding it harder to move on, iv had counselling it helped for a while, but then it hits you again, she's gone.. But you have to keep going and live the lives they would've wanted us to live.

Mar 26, 2013
how are you doing now?
by: Heather (NB, Canada)

I know it hasn't been long since you wrote your post, but it's 2 weeks longer than I have had. My mom passed on March 17 (just over a week ago) from breast cancer that had spread to her brain and bones too.
I feel like I've lost my best friend, my confidante, my gramma, my mom, my sister, my daughter.....she was everything to me. Everywhere I go, I see her. Every thought is about her. I cry constantly over even the happiest memories. I feel empty but at the same time, I feel like my skin is too tight as there's too much inside that needs to come out. I'm not sleeping at night, I can barely function during the day.
I live overseas and will need to leave my parents house in 10 days. The thought of leaving scares me so much.
Does it ever get better?? Do you see a light (even a very faint one) at the end of the tunnel?? Are you feeling more at peace with the fact that your mom is not in pain and is probably watching over you?
I'm desperate....the pain I feel is like nothing I've ever experienced. I am so heartbroken.

Mar 20, 2013
You might be anonymous but...
by: Lauri

Your comment made me feel better, the same thing happened to my mom with the breast cancer spreading to the bone and brain. Thank you for your comment!

Mar 17, 2013
I Understand
by: Anonymous

I am so sorry for your loss. My beautiful mother died on 3/4/13 of breast cancer that spread to her bones and brain. We are still reeling from the shock. My heart has a black hole that I'm afraid will never be filled. I only want to let you know you're not alone.
Honor your mother by living well...whatever that means for you.

Mar 15, 2013
Thanks Heather!
by: Lauri

It's nice to know I'm not alone out there, I know I'm not the only one who's mother passed away but it definitely feels like that at the moment. I'm glad my story made you feel a bit better as did your comment since you know exactly how I feel. Thank you again for your comment, I know our moms were amazing people.

Mar 14, 2013
I understand
by: Heather

My mom died March 21, 2013. I feel exactly the way you do. I was finally able to somewhat find the word to explain somewhat how I feel; incomplete and anxiously searching (for my mom but never find her).

I have found it's very hard to go through every day, but reading your story and knowing that I am truly not alone made me feel a bit better. I hope it does the same for you.

Mar 09, 2013
Thank you Doreen U.K.
by: Lauri

I do have my best friends and friends but nothing compares to the mother and daughter relationship/friendship I had with her but I appreciate your advice and comment, thanks again Doreen! :)

Mar 09, 2013
My beautiful mom left this world on 3/3/2013...
by: Doreen U.K.

Lauri I am sorry for your loss of your mom to this disease of CANCER. I lost my husband 10 months ago to a deadly cancer. The cancer journey was a stress all on its own. It is a horrible place to be right now.
You seemed to have had such a great relationship with your mom that you wished could have lasted forever.
Don't beat yourself up for being a difficult teenager and making your mother's life miserable. Most teenager's think it is the parent's who are making their life miserable and so act up. It is normal. If a teen does not misbehave then they store it up and act out later in life when maturity kicks in. I did this. I often wish that I didn't act up the way I did. I managed to take responsibility for this and apologise where I could to the people I hurt in life. But if you can't then keep a journal and write in this all your thoughts, feelings, and apologies and get it out of your system. Then let it go. You need to free yourself from the burden of guilt so that you can go on in life and live well without the baggage. Life will get better in time. In time you will make friends and your life will move in a different way and you may get that friendship you need in life.

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