My beautiful Son
I lost my 23 year old son just 5 weeks and 1 day ago.
It also happened to be my birthday and his 3 days before.
I find it hard to write this as it was workplace accident and to this day it feel so very surreal and I still feel he will come back into our lives at any time soon.
He was engaged and due to marry in October, therefore supporting his fiance in all of this is something I promised him we would do. And I will honour this promise as long as she needs/wants us in her life.
We visit him at his burial site almost every day and I will not hear people tell me it will become less and less, this makes me angry. They are not us, they cannot know what this is like and I will never let my son go this alone. I put him on this earth and I will not let him down now he has been taken from us. It gives me some comfort going to sit with him and talk and cry.
The hurt I feel is knowing that I was unable to protect him from this all, and that he was alone when he died...Nobody should be alone. I cry inside wondering if he was in pain and people like me to think otherwise but they cannot possibly know. I cry wondering if he was calling out and nobody heard him.
I said goodbye to him the day before his funeral and oh my god, it was not him laying in the casket, it was not him he was not there...I needed to say goodbye and touch him and kiss him but the pain of seeing him there will be forever with me.
Also trying to deal with him being lowered into that big deep dark hole, I cannot get the image from my mind and feel so sick thinking we are reduced to this. Some small consolation is that we will be together again one day and to ensure that we bought the site next to him. Our family will always be together, and our other 2 sons have requested this also...of course this may change in the future but for now this is what we all want...and as we know, life is not to be taken for granted and we never know when we are next.
I just want to see my sons beautiful face, and his cheeky smile and feel his gorgeous curls.
Just one more time :(
He is gone from our daily lives but always in our hearts and thoughts 24/7 - Normal too has gone for us as we feel such an emptiness inside us all.