my beautifull son Paul 20 may1973-29 april 2012

by Dot Pauls mum
(united kingdom)

I lost my beautifull son Paul to suicide on 29th april 2012.
he was my first born baby and my rock, I can not look at his photographs or talk about him unless my heart feels as if it is choking me.
I loved my boy so much i tried so very hard to help him through the troubled time he was having with his so called partner, she was and is the most cruellest excuse for a human being that i have ever known,
if i didnt have my lovely family i know i would of gone with him i love and miss him so much and cant imagine living the rest of my life without him.
i cry every night when i go to bed and every morning in the shower,
i wish i could turn back time to the 28th april when my beautifull son was still here with me,and his brother,sisters, nieces,aunties, cousins and all fo his friends. my paul was such a lovely lad he touched people when they met him he was always smiling.he was loved by so many yet one cruel horrible thing could ruin him and all of those that truly loved him couldnt save him.
i miss him with every beat of my heart i still cant believe that i am never ever going to see him, talk to him, hug him,kiss him, or cook for him ever again.
if i could i would add a picture of him but i cant bring myself to look at him yet.

Comments for my beautifull son Paul 20 may1973-29 april 2012

Click here to add your own comments

Mar 03, 2013
by: Anonymous

Kevin I was so sad and sorry to read your reply to Dot of your life now.
Your wife has left you in such a serious condition that NO man should be put in. Even though you say there are two sides to a story, I feel that you have redeemed yourself by standing by your children despite the limited time you get to see them. This is such a terrible Cruelty. I have often felt that a MAN GETS a RAW DEAL from life and often many don't deserve this. Bitterness makes people do all sorts of crazy things. It is only time that mellows one and when they see clearly when the dust has settled how cruel they have been. The most important thing is for you as a man to be strong enough to show a united front for your children. What they remember and take from this separation is what is going to make them become more secure and stable in who they are as people. Otherwise the scars will leave them with emotional problems that will take a long time to heal and blight their lives from forming stable relationships. HANG IN THERE BUDDY! It won't always be like this. I know it is hard to be strong. Try and get some counselling to help strengthen you for the tough times ahead of you. Suicide is not the answer. Life is very painful in many areas. What you are going through will feel like a bereavement. The death of a relationship is hard especially where there is a deprivation of seeing your children. The best you can do is to form your own friendships and put people in your life who will be supportive and there for you. You do need a life beyond the one you are in at the moment which is full of sorrow. Introduce new things slowly as and when you need to. When you do see your children you will be in a happier frame of mind. I hope life does get better for you in the days ahead and that you do get your life back. You do deserve to be Happy.

Mar 03, 2013
by: Kevin

Hi Dot

To write this through a vail of tears is extremely difficult and obviously painful. I am so sorry for your loss but I am entering this from the other perspective. In essence, my wife left me last year, taking our three children and crashing our business making me familiness, jobless, almost homeless and certainly in a situation I just can get to grips with. Obviously there are always two sides but I have been left with all of our debts, see my children two days a week and my son now and again, monthly at that. I have every desire to end it all but feel so bad for my children, growing up with a suicide father, as I did. My heart is with you and the loss you feel must be horrendous.

Kind regard

Oct 23, 2012
My Lovely son killed himself September 2011
by: Doreen U.K.

Anne I am sorry for your loss of your son to suicide. My nephew was 30yrs. and on medication for depression that caused suicidal feelings, and hallucinations. My nephew would go to tall buildings and want to throw himself down. But he pleaded for someone to PLEASE HELP ME!!! Peter eventually 5 years ago threw himself in front of an express train. Our family lives are shattered and will never be the same. My sister was mad with grief. It was unbearable pain to watch her suffering. She needed a grief counsellor come to her home to support her.
I think you all as a family could benefit from talking to a bereavement counsellor. Especially in cases of suicide as this is a most devastating death for the ones left behind.
I have been in the place of being desperate enough to want to end my life but managed to get the right counsellor in time and he gave me back my life after years of counselling.
I lost my husband 5 months ago to cancer and my grief is hard.
Do not give family or friends the time of day when they are so insensitive to your loss. You cannot get over this type of death EVER. You may have less pain over the years. But you will have the SCARS FOREVER. People may feel uncomfortable with your suffering and not be able to watch you suffer. But they should not utter the first thing that comes into their head. You can't get over this in one year two years and more.
Keep a journal and writing in this is very therapeutic and will help with your Healing. write letters to your son, write in a dialogue to God and tell him how you feel. Write any way or form you like. You can also get your other children to journal. This will be very helpful for them and also get out of their system what is bottled up. It is also a good way to HONOUR the one you have lost. I pray that God will wrap his loving arms around you and your family and all the other people on this site. And give you His Comfort and Peace and ointment for a Broken Heart.

Oct 23, 2012
by: Ann

My lovely handsome son of 36 years old hanged himself last September, he had suffered since having a breakdown in 2010 and two more in 2011. He never got over his wife leaving him when he was so sick and this caused him so much anguish he just got more and more depressed finally killing himself in 2011. He was such a kind person, a beautiful smile and a generous and gentle soul. He could never hurt anyone (only himself) I know that if he could have known the pain this would cause to his family and friends, he would never have done that but he was very ill and I have to look at it and realise he was in despair that night. He always hid his hurt and smiled and said he was fine so we didn't expect him to take his own life but on reflection all the signs were there that week and my anguish is that I didn't see those signs. There are so many "if onlys" and I wish etc etc and this can drive one mad. This always starts as you are falling asleep and then you are awake all night crying. I keep picturing that moment when he decided that this was the only way out of his pain and it torments me that he felt that way. I also have a whole lot of anger at his wife because of how she treated him, she was a control freak and a bully and was so unbelievably selfish and unkind to him even when he was in hospital in the throes of his breakdown. I sometimes can't believe that someone could be so selfish and manipulative and show such disregard for someone so kind and good. He could never have hurt her like she hurt him. It is just over a year now and we feel just as bad now, maybe worse because after the year you just know that it is so final.
People expect you to get on with things and expect that because it's over a year thatyou should be getting on with life, getting over it etc etc and I feel like saying to them " how would you feel if it was your son? shut up leave me alone and worse, I almost feel I hate these people, even though they are supposed to be so close to me and loved him as well. My other children are also devestated but we now avoid talking about it as it hurts too much. My husband has great faith that we will see him again at the end of our lives and I really hope this is true as it would be totally unbearable to think that this wouldn't happen. We will know soon anough!
I know that we will learn to live with this pain and there are good days when you can laugh and joke but I know I will never stop crying for my darling son, I will live with it and show the best side out but I know that this is how I will feel for the rest of my life be it long or short.
Best wisheas and love to all who are grieving.

Sep 01, 2012
brother suicide
by: Ashley

i lost my brother who was 42 to suicide on june 9th this year,he used 2 of those portable bbqs and sealed himself in his bedroom,my mum and dad found him aswel,the hardest thing is thete was no letter just a note saying,so sorry havent got a life just exsist,but its so hard as he had no health or money problems,didnt have a partner or kids but lived on his own,its tearing my mum and dad apart never knowing the real reason why he took his own life,he had his whole life ahead of him,to seee the pain my mum and dad are goin thro,i wouldnt wish it on my worse enemy,our world was tiuned upside down on wed 9th june,and have just got to try and take each day at a time,everbody says time is a healer,but think it just gets easier as u never forget xxx

Jul 15, 2012
Your beautiful son
by: Anonymous

Dear Dot,

I am so sorry for the loss of your sweet son, Paul. Your grief is so fresh, so new. I feel your pain. Those of us who travel a road of grief come here and talk with each other. It's not wasted time. Everyone here has suffered shocking death, including me. I lost my son to suicide too. He was 30, in love (he thought)and she broke it off. He feared he'd never find someone to love and have a family with. His heart could take no more and he killed himself. It's been a few years, but the words are still hard to say and they cut through my heart. We love them and miss them all of our days. We will never forget them and carry them in our hearts until ours stops beating. It helped me to journal. It helps me to blog and I would love to have you visit and chat with me. My address is " Losing a son is horrible so I have an idea what you are going through. It takes time to grieve, so let it come no matter what anyone else says. Each has to grieve in their own way. Hope you write, blessings, gt

Jul 15, 2012
my beautiful son Paul 20 may 1973-2012.
by: Doreen U.K.

Dot I am sorry for your loss of your son to suicide. It really is the most painfull loss. Of an Adult child. You will be in the throes of grief. try and find a grief counsellor to help you work through your pain and loss. a loss to suicide is so difficult to cope with and you will need great support. I am worried about my son committing suicide as he can't cope with the cruelty of his wife of almost 1 year married now. She is a snob and looks down on us. My son loves her deeply yet this is the woman who has an ex boyfriend who she brings into the marriage. and cares for him also because as she says. SHE IS A CARING PERSON. My son left us on the day of the funeral when I buried my husband (his father) 9 weeks ago. My son stood by his wife. I rescued him when my husband was ill with cancer. We went down to the hospital to bring him home since his wife couldn't be bothered going to see him. He was thrown out of her home and she changed the locks and she even threw him out of her car on a freezing cold night. He was wandering around till 4a.m. and got lost. He says he loves her. All this because my son objects to her relationship with the ex boyfriend. If my son kills himself. There will be nothing I can do as he has walked away and won't maintain contact. I confronted him about the whole issue. I paid the price of losing my son. As mothers we will worry about our children till the day we die or they die. It is a cruel place for a mother to be. A Grief that can be avoided if Son's could just walk away. See things for what they are and have enough strength to not put up with such unhappiness. My son has had 2 breakdowns being with his wife of almost 1yr. He had never been like this with any other girl. My husband went to his grave angry over his son being so timid and putting up with ill treatment. What can parents do? We have to let our Adult children GO.
My nephew killed himself by throwing himself in front of an express train. He was 30yrs. He was on medication that causes suicidal feelings. His moods and behaviour was altered. He paid the price. Dot I hope my sharing will help you feel less ALONE with your grief. It is a hard place for you to be right now. Get supportive people around you. Don't suffer in silence. It is the pain of not having a child around anymore. Not cooking for them. Never sharing a conversation. It is the PITS. I hope you will have better days ahead and that your grief will be managemeable.

Jul 14, 2012
I know
by: Phyllis

I lost my youngest son at in Dec last year, he had been so very ill for 1 yr, alcohol & drugs, it still does not seem real, I will never get to hug or kiss him again, watch a movie, have the big family diners we used ti have, he always grilled, It is Hell, suffocating hell, I miss him so much life is not worth living hardly sometimes, i will pray for you sweet heart, the only thing we have is to hold onto the fact we will be with them in heaven. happy, no pain or death, til then we mother walk this dark lonely road alone, Hugs to you Phyllis

Click here to add your own comments

Return to Lost Adult Child.

[?]Subscribe To This Site
  • follow us in feedly
  • Add to My Yahoo!
  • Add to My MSN
  • Subscribe with Bloglines

RSS Feed Widget


Tap into the compassion, support and wisdom of the


Essential Healing Guide

Grief Relief

Free Griefwork

Free Stress

SBI Video Tour!