My beloved Boots died at only 16 months. I miss him so badly!

by mrskailuakona


I moved from Tampa, FL to Kailua Kona on the Big Island of Hawaii at 1400 in elevation it gets cold in sight of the airport and ocean four miles away. I brought both my girls one is now an adult the other is 16 then missing my ohana I adopted Simba a great orange tabby for my oldest. My Make A Wish daughter her trip was to Maui, HI had a seven hour spinal surgery then a five hour jaw surgery while my other teen had two surgeries so after their treatment I am disabled I moved here to find paradise. My oldest HATED Hawaii now lives in California the locals are MEAN it was hard to sleep with parties until 4:00 a.m. loud fighting so she's enrolled part time in college lives with a friend and his parents. My youngest was bullied so she doesn't stay home nor is in school it's that bad with police reports. I have an 85 year old husband 30 years my senior that spends his days at another house so I get real lonely. No friends it's that unfriendly I do find myself in town at the pier where people are friendly.

I have a dog named Alejandro with blue eyes he swims at the pier while tourists take his photo. They treat animals like crap in HI most are left chained up 23 hours a day! I tried to keep Simba in the house the parents in CA didn't want a cat they had two German Shepherd dogs so once Steph left Simba would scratch him way out. I FINALLY got over his death my first pet after 30 years!

I found Boots his photo at a small pet store online. Boots was four months old blonde with white boots for paws. He was my WORLD. Just before I got him I found Tiger an Egyptian mau that was bottle fed after his mother was killed by a car a lady found him & his siblings in some lava rock. Advo Cats that saves cats gave me him then insisted to take his brother baby. I didn't want to yet I knew he would be put to sleep so I
It's stressful living here the next door neighbors are real dangerous. Their pit bull is chained then in my yard who bit my dog twice & the police so we built a fence in the front & sides of the house. I was looking for Sims when I spotted Oreo a black/white kitten living in a parking lot starving to death who is stunted so I rented a cage from Society so Boots loved his Oreo.

Back to Boots the last night of his life I feel so GUILTY. I have an older husband who was MEAN that night then returned home late expecting me to cook so I did. Boots came back inside then walked briefly on the hot smooth top stove burning his back paws. My instinct was to rub some Aloe on his back paws then he wanted out. I then saw Boots downstairs licking the Aloe off then later I saw him in the courtyard I had a ice pack so he ran outside the fence towards the street. There are only a few cars maybe 5 - 7 a night he would go next door not crossing the street so I thought nothing of it. Somehow I pictured walking over the cool grass would make his toes feel better so I planned to bring him in later. All the cats except Oreo a girl (she's getting spayed) are neutered, micro chipped with all their shots. So Boots would play with Tiger, his bro. & Oreo in the night while in the day he slept mostly. I called then called then looked & looked for Boots all night long even with a flashlight by the narrow street in front of my home. He wouldn't come home sometime he's stubborn then returns long after I call for him. Never in my wildest dreams would I have guessed he crossed the street towards cat lady's home. I messaged my youngest on FB she said, come home" so I was like what? I searched even more frantically it's 12:30 a.m. by now I'm thinking he's dead.

After 2:00 a.m. with no Boots who slept at my feet I feel asleep then woke up at 4:30 a.m. KNOWING he was dead. I still think I killed my cat Boots. He was scared of people all dogs so maybe the Aloe scared him? The vet & my psychiatrist said no I don't believe them. I have to take Xanax to live here under these horrendous conditions "the neighbors" so I can't stop blaming myself. I found him at 4:30 a.m. DEAD in the street real stiff with his mouth open in PAIN with his eyes all bugged out with blood dripping from his ears & from his nose. I buried him after crying I feel like my life is OVER. I lost 7 lbs. now I"m eating again. I feel so MISERABLE it's been 15 days. I feel so much GUILT like putting the Aloe on his paws made him think I was trying to kill him. Or I called him not knowing he was across the street I have a HUGE property he tried to outrun a car or truck. One time about a month ago I saw Boots on the other side of the street then I called him he raced a truck down the street so the driver slowed down he then crossed in front of the truck barely escaping then.

I was a BAD cat mother I allowed my cat FREE rein Boots would scratch the screens to get out so sometimes I would give in. I would bring the cats in around 10:00 or 11:00 p.m. since they slept ALL day long then played at night in my courtyard. I looked at the pet owner's fat cats who slept day & night not even playing so I thought I wanted my cats to chase a gecko or a bird. To climb a tree to feel the green grass under their paws to be FREE. Freedom has it's ultimate price. I still feel GUILT missing my Boots I wish I could redo that night keeping him inside to keep him safe. I think the Aloe spooked him.

It's been hard to sleep without my Boots at my feet in bed every night. I miss his playful spirit playing with the bamboo divider in my living room. He would spend tons of time with me as I am home mostly so now the house is EMPTY. Some have pointed out the fact I have OTHER cats trust me it's not the same. Baby sleeps on the deck unless my teen is home like now he's asleep in her bed.

If you have any words you want to express please I beg you to tell me what you think. I feel I killed my treasured Boots. My life will NEVER be the same. Returning home from town or the pier I HATE coming home to an empty house without my Boots. Took a swim in the ocean it was nice I felt NOTHING no relief. Time heals all wounds they say yet I feel that expression won't fit as I will NEVER EVER feel the same about a cat again like my prized Boots. He meant more to me than some people. I loved him so much please write me your thoughts. I was so scared something would happen to Boots I seldom left home after Sims baby died. Now I can leave I feel too depressed to enjoy my life anymore. I still let the cats out I have severe allergies so I take allergy pills. Oreo after Boots died was so needy I got her a new three month old kitten he makes the same noises of Boots except he's not Boots watching him like a hawk. I wish this didn't happen.

Some have pointed out Boots & Simba were strays so the difference is my other cats were not even two were bottle fed. Boots the pet owner told me she thought he was captured in a cat colony. Boots loved me he would go next door to play so I just expected him to stay closer to home not cross the street with hardy any cars maybe 20 a day I'm still in disbelief tho' it only takes one. Thanks for posting your thoughts.

Comments for My beloved Boots died at only 16 months. I miss him so badly!

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Oct 07, 2013
Beautiful Boots
by: Diane

I do know how it feels to have so much guilt over the senseless death of our beloved pets. We just have to remember it was an ACCIDENT, we would NEVER intentionally hurt our 'babies'. Time is the only thing that helps, keep busy, and take care of yourself. We will never forget, but we do have to force ourselves to accept the terrible loss and go on. I'll pray for you and your beautiful Boots, please know he is waiting for you at the Rainbow Bridge!

Oct 07, 2013
Feeling Sorry for you
by: Sandy

Hi Dear,
I felt sad reading your blog . Pl don't blame yourself for the death of your kitty. Each furbaby comes into a persons life with a mission. you loved your kitty a lot and he too loved you . Think of all the good times you shared with your furbaby . Time is a great healer and have trust in the Lord.I know it is difficult to forget our furbabies who have let this world. If possible adopt a homeless kitty and give it lots of love and care It will be a tribute to your lost kitty. Take care. God bless.

Oct 05, 2013
My beloed Boots died at only 16 months. I miss him so badly!
by: Doreen UK

MrsKailuakona I am sorry for your loss of your cat boots. You tell a long story of your life and whilst very interesting it gives me a picture of you living with a lot of negative things happen in your life. So Boots brought you such love and joy within your negative world that brought you such joy and happiness. You miss her so badly. Because your world has been so negative there may be a possibility that you are continuing this negativity by thinking that you are responsible for the death for your cat. If you are able to process all the events and in your rational thinking mind feel that you are to blame, there comes a point when you have to FORGIVE yourself for your failings. Often we can become unreasonable to ourselves and punish ourselves forever for our failings as human beings. You have forged such an attachment to your cat boots that she became your whole world and filled the emptiness and loneliness you face each day. Start building up your self esteem by doing one good thing for yourself each day and build this up till you are starting to feel good about yourself and your world. You will then be able with a positive mind set realise that people and pets come into our lives for a season and they will pass away. Hold them loosely knowing you will lose any one. You can then find a way to re-build your life with a new pet. Don't stop loving or keeping pets if they bring you happiness. Each pet has their own special character. Enjoy Boots for who he was and enjoy other cats that come your way. You will then be enlarging your world and putting happiness into it.

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