my beloved husband slept so sweetly...

by Edna
(Victoria, Australia)



My husband and I met through the internet, we were oceans apart...we both look for our true love for many years...i know it's not easy to find one particularly in dating sites, but we did, we realize that we are soulmates, we're very compatible, we like to do same things together, we both love cuddling each other....staying home and talk about anything, we laugh, cry, and sometimes argue over silly stuff...we had plans and much love between us!

Sometime in November 2012, he had backpain, i tried to give him slight massage, he would say, "feels better"...but pains kept coming back...he saw our GP and referred to cardio test and results were perfectly fine and finally referred to have gastroscopy...and a heartbreaking results of stomach cancer stage4...he went downhill after 8 months of chemo...since day one, my heart breaks seeing him suffering but i can't show him how devastated i was...i did my best to show strength for both of us...cried in the shower and silently in bed when he alreaday sleeps...i was at my strongest.

After fighting like a warrior in 8 months, he believed that he has to go...that was wednesday, when he was about to go but i can't let him, i tried to revive him, gave my breath to him and he did stay with me for another day...that day he had a very good sleep that he never had for so long...i stayed with him in bed talking to him while he can't respond to me anymore..i said my "i love you" many times as i can and i would say "i love you too" cause i know that would be his response...he left peacefully that day in my arms, family sorrounds him with love...

Reality strikes to me, he is gone, that is when all the pains in my chest bursted out, i cried like a baby and wanted no one get near me...

It's been only a month now being alone, im lost...i'm numb...i miss him like carzy...i want to die and be with him, i know that is selfish cause i have a 21 year old son, a step daughter with her 3 teen kids...but i know that i'm done with life...i have been married to the most wonderful man i've ever met...i'm not excited and not looking forward to the future anymore...that's how i feel right now...i'm on auto pilot...breathing but lifeless...i want him come home...i love him more than life itself...i love you lovey...we will be together again as we have promised to each other on our wedding day...even death will not do us part...


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Nov 30, 2013
my beloved husband slept so sweetly....
by: Doreen UK

Edna I am sorry for your loss of your husband to a dreaded disease of cancer. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to lung cancer 18 months ago. I nursed him for over 3yrs. and watched him die slowly of a disease that was destroying his body. The cancer journey is a horrible one. As you say. You cry and cry in the shower or anywhere no one can hear. I would leave the room have a good cry and come back in and nurse him. I couldn't take my eyes off this man I loved with all my heart. Dreading the day I would lose him. You are going through all the emotions we all feel in the early days after loss. I also didn't want to live. I wanted to die. These feelings are all part of your grief and they don't last. TAKE ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is how I coped and got through those months. I still cannot look beyond today. Having children with you should be a comfort. You will get your life back and be able to enjoy them again. There is nothing worse in life than to lose a loved one. We do go on in life and cope each day. Some days good and some days bad. Enjoy the moments when you get some Peace and relief from sadness. Grief doesn't last forever. But it does take a long time to Heal from loss.

Nov 30, 2013
Thank you...
by: Edna

My fellows in grief...thank you very much for the heartfelt compassion...i know that only people like you can at least feel how and what i feel...holidays are coming, and it's getting more close family member said to me that one day i have good memories with my husband to embrace and treasure...but if only i can refuse to just have memories cause i want him back...

It is a precise truth that life is unfair in many ways, we can see it everday and everywhere...i see old couples in their 70', 80's and even 90's and they are still living lucky these people are...i hope they do realize that.

I am seeing a doctor in a couple of days because of some sort of "tightening"sensation in my chest that i reckon a symptom of depression...i feel like i could die if i give in to
it...i find some relief in this site reading your responses and knowing i'm not alone in this grief journey...thanks to all of you xxx

Nov 28, 2013
your loss of husband
by: Anonymous--MI

Edna--I read your post and my heart aches for your loss of your husband. It is not a fair life; we on this site surely know this as we are all grieving the loss of a dear loved one. My husband died of SCA one year ago and my pain is still a part of waking up, going to sleep and the hours in between. It is a journey of questions, numbness, sadness beyond imagination unless one has lost a spouse or other loved one; then that person knows this unbearable grief. I wish I could give you some way to get through this grief quickly but there is not a quick way---it is all one day at a time and crying and praying and thinking of heavens gate where again we will see our loved ones. Keep your faith in God as He is your only hope of finding some sort of comfort and peace of mind. I am into one year of grief but I have a long way to go until I can feel joy . My husband was my all, the one and only love of my life---just as your Jeff was to you. Let your tears flow---you have to give in to them and it does help. May God Bless you with His help along the way.

Nov 28, 2013
your overwhelming pain
by: Lawrence

You have joined a group of people who are suffering with you and I’m sure those of us who are reading it are weeping not only for you with your overwhelming despair but for themselves who have also lost someone so dear and precious that we are finding it hard getting on with our lives.
You are in the early stages of your grief and you have an incredibly hard road ahead, all I can suggest is that you cry until you have no more tears left but then you will find more I promise you, its nature’s way of helping you cope. I still cry, and it’s been over eleven months since my beloved sweetheart died.
If it’s any consolation you experienced such a passionate love that so very few people are lucky enough to have, so thank God for sharing him with you and for the years you had together, there are never enough, but now you have to face the future without him.
Impossible as it seems just a month into your nightmare, the pain will ease as time passes as it did for us all; realisation slowly sets in that your greatest fear has come to pass and he really has gone
I also wanted to die but it wasn’t my decision to make and so here I am nearly a year after my own heart-breaking loss offering you consolation, I would never have believed it would happen.
I feel this web site and all the lovely people on it saved my life so read all the contributions and see you are not alone in your sadness and grief.
You are in all our prayers.

Nov 27, 2013
very hard to endure
by: Anonymous

all the comfort I can send your way. so glad you found each other and like me, I know you wanted forever. it isn't fair---in fact it stinks to be dealt such a hand. no words can express what you are going through. I send my heartfelt sympathy.

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