My Beloved Joshua

by Holly P. Moore
(Greenville, SC, USA)

My son was 25 years old when he committed suicide on July 20, 2012. It is still very painful for me to write or talk about. He was my eldest child. I have another son, Jonathan, who is 20 years old.

We are all having a very difficult time with this. I write a lot of poetry and have posted many on this website. It is my only repreive.

I cannot write much about him at this time because it is too heartbreaking. And, I have to do everything possible to keeep myself out of bed and moving. If I think of him, I almost become in a comatose state. It is just too difficult. I will write more later.



Comments for My Beloved Joshua

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Feb 01, 2014
Your Sweet angel
by: Chantae

Dearest Holly,
Words cannot express how sorry I am for your loss. I've searched for you and the boys for years and can't tell you how shocked I was to hear about Joshua's passing. Know that I love my "baby cousins" and I'm so sad that we did not stay connected.
Know that your boys' father was a big brother to me and very very dear. You and Robert's sons will always be so special to me.

I understand if you do not want contact with me or my family but just know that you and the boys have always been in my heart. I'm now married with three girls and we live in San Diego. Please feel free to contact me any time. Chantae.ybarra@sbcglobal.net

Much love and my deepest sympathies,
Chantae

Oct 30, 2013
I Know Your Grief
by: Anonymous

I lost my son in 2010--the same way. I just sent you a posting on A website after hearing your story and was so grateful I found your website. You are doing all the right things for healing--creativity I believe is key. I'm still searching for my creative outlet. I did publish my son's book shortly after his death that he had written just before his suicide. He had a dream of being a published author. I had to help him fulfill that! May you feel peace and comfort every waking moment! Dee

Jan 25, 2013
Your son JOSHUA
by: Kate

I am touched to the heart for your pain and loss. It is a huge tragedy to endure. I am sure you know not how you are doing it. I lost my son Nov.17,2012 - I am still in shock. Some moments I fall apart in extreme hurt,other times I'm numb. It protects us from the full impact. Grief is anger pain sorrow denial and more. Emotions that grip us and stun us at the same time. We are in this together even if circumstances of how our child died are different. Baby steps all we can do and one day at a time,sometimes one minute. Hugs for you and the loss of your JOSHUA.

Jan 16, 2013
Beloved Joshua
by: Anonymous

Dear Holly,

There are many good comments here that may be helpful for you. I am so sorry for your loss and the life that continues to spiral. Please hold on to Jesus even if all you grasp is the hem of His garment. There is healing in His touch in our walk by faith which appears to be impossible, hold on anyway. He will never let you go. He knows all things so your pain is known to Him. In a best friend relationship, we can speak about anything. Same with Jesus. Tell Him how you feel in your writing. I journaled too and it helped me in the grieving a great
deal. Now it has become a book to help others in their grief. As a suggestion, we found SOS(survivors of suicide) the most helpful. If you wish to chat with other moms on Facebook, look up: Mothers of suicide. Blessings, Gracie

Jan 12, 2013
My Beloved Joshua
by: Doreen U.K.

Holly I am deeply sorry for your loss of your son to Suicide. Counselling would be very difficult for you just now, but when you are able to talk about Joshua perhaps working with a counsellor would be most helpful to you. Certain types of death need the support of a counsellor. It will be a very painful experience for you, but not more than the pain you are in now. A good psychologist/counsellor put me back together when I was in pieces. I was fragmented. This is what a breakdown feels like. SPLIT INTO PIECES. I couldn't function. But I can now.
My sister's son was 30yrs. of age when he threw himself in front of an express train. The inquest was so horrendous she could not share this with anyone. But thermal imaging had to be used to locate all the body parts. This is enough to make anyone fall to pieces. My sister was MAD with GRIEF. She could not function without the support of a counsellor who came to her home to support her. This was 6 years ago and a terrible time for all of us. I just lost my husband of 44yrs marriage. We are in LIMBO right now. Some kind of HELL that feels so surreal we wonder HOW CAN WE GO ON, another day. I don't know when the pain stops. It almost feels CRUEL for people to HURT SO MUCH. The days are empty.
I can understand you finding it difficult to get out of bed. I have been feeling this lately as if I want to stay in bed and not get out.
But to lose a child is the worst that can happen to a mother and father. Grief tears up the whole body and takes away one's motivation to do anything. I couldn't bear this if it happened to me. The pain would be more than I could bear. Just losing my husband has broken me. I hope each day will find you closer to being able to find the start of the healing process. May you be comforted in your Pain and sorrow. May God pick you up and hold you and never let you go or anyone in your family circle.

Jan 09, 2013
broken hearted Mom
by: Anonymous

My 37yr. old son comitted suicide on 12/23/12 and GOD help us, took another mother's 24yr. old son with him.
In hind sight I believe he was going to committ suicide only.He was going away for Christmas Eve , to camp, " to get away" and would return on Christmas Day when we would be able to have his daughters.
He had just recently split up with his wife and it was becoming nasty, with the children being caught in the middle.
On the morning of his death, he was bringing his youngest daughter home and found his wife with her new , younger boyfriend in the home with his 13yr old daughter present.
My son had done everything to try to convince his wife to keep her affair out of the home, away from the girls.
It believe it was too much for him and he went to a dark place of no return. He shot the young man then turned the gun on himself.
I felt the most overwhelming sadness coming from my son that morning and told my husband that it was almost physical,I don't think he really believed me at the time.
I sent a text message to my son telling him, I was worried for him and I would ask to be able to take the girls for Christmas Eve dinner. By the time I sent the text my son was dead.
Fifteen mins. later his wife called and said" J , came here this morning and shot someone , then shot himself"
Our world has been a living hell ever since.
It is hard to grieve without thinking about his taking of anothers child, or the events leading up to his death, or our anger at the wife for all of the buttons she pushed.
My daughter , who is 8 yrs younger , is devasted at the loss of her big brother and the events that caused the pain.
My heart and Prayers go out to you for I know a bit about the pain you must feel over your beloved Joshua.

Dec 31, 2012
I understand Your Pain
by: Debbie

My son Jeremy commited suicide June 27,2010,2 years ago,he just turned 26.He too left behind alittle brother that was 19.I still do not understand, and probaly never will! He shot himself in his apartment bathroom,with a (so called friend) in the other room! It took 17 mins. before the 911 call! Life does go on,although a part of you dies with him!Life for me will never be the same.People seem to look at you differently than they use to!My son text me right before he did this! 2 mins. after he text me he took his life!Wishing,praying everyday that God will take me so I can join him! Knowing that one day I will makes me happy! But untill then,enjoy your life with your children,Be Happy! I am so sorry about your pain,I do understand your grief,we all do here!

Dec 29, 2012
My Belove Joshua
by: Doreen U.K.

Holly I read your response to the replies from your initial post. I want to say to you that Jesus was my best friend also. I prayed and prayed for Healing for my husband with prayer all over America on the God Channel and he did get a measure of Healing. I waited and waited for this miracle that did not happen. I did not want to be angry with God but I WAS. I still am at times it comes out of me. Especially if I hear a testimony of someone being healed of cancer. I am happy for them but I shout out aloud. WHY DIDN'T YOU HEAL MY BELOVED STEVE FROM CANCER? God Why?. I did feel let down badly by God. So you are not wrong to feel the way you do. WE all go through dry spells in our Spiritual Life. Even Pastors go through grief and sorrow and Anger against God. But as long as we can get back on track in time is important. At the end of the DAY God is our Creator. He gave us our children. He has the right to do what he decides is best even if we don't understand WHY? If we don't have God in our life and on our side then we leave the door open for Satan to destroy us. God stretches us so much just when we can't take anymore He shows up. WE get breaks in between. There are times we all lose our FAITH. But FAITH, HOPE, AND BELIEF is all we have to cling to in Life. it is our Protection from harm.
I am glad you are finding solace in writing. This is very therapeutic. When I couldn't pray, I kept a journal and wrote to God in a dialect as my prayers to God. I got more relief doing this and I found healing for my torn soul. You may find this a good outlet. Tell God in your journal exactly how you feel. He knows already but you would find this writing a good expression of the soul that would release you from your Hurt and Pain. You will find your own level of Healing from your grief. If writing poetry is what you love and works for you. Keep doing it. Our grief won't last forever. Sooner or later we will find Healing and strength to go on in life. Your husband will get a job. You will rise from the ashes. It is always darkest before the dawn. May God keep his Mighty hand on You and bring you out of all your Trials and make you stronger from each one. Your experience will be a blessing to others.

Dec 28, 2012
Holly
by: Aaron's mom

Holly, I am so very sorry to read about your son, Joshua. I know that there is nothing anyone can say or do to ease your pain. Please know that I will pray for you by name every day from now on.

You are not alone. Circumstances may differ, but we parents who have lost a child understand how horrible of a nightmare it truly is.

Much love to you,
Joy

Dec 23, 2012
May you find comfort
by: CathyAnonymous

Holly i am so sorry for the loss your beloved son, i know how horrific it is and you will take a lot of time to realize he is not ever coming back i lost my eldest 14 months ago and believe me coming to this site helps for 1 full year all i used to do is cry, now i do that a little less but the hurt is buried deep inside it does not go away but you learn to control your feelings. i can just pray for u i have posted my sons memories at BrandonFernandes.lastmemories.com the least i could do

Dec 15, 2012
Thank you
by: Anonymous

Thank you all for your personal stories and support. I am not sure how I'm going to handle the situation. Right now, I just do not. I ignore it. The only way I can deal with it is through my writing. I belong to a website for poets who bring a lot of support and comfort to me. But, seeing a counselor, who has not been through this, would be in vain. And, my well of faith is dry. The father of my children died and now my son is gone. My current husband, an environmental engineer, lost his job 2 months before my son's passing. Tell me how can I believe? Yes, this is more than I can handle. I prayed and prayed for my son to no avail. I prayed and prayed for our situation that keeps getting worse. I do not understand, Jesus used to be my best friend. I've fallen ~~ Holly

Dec 14, 2012
Holly's Joshua
by: Anonymous

Dear Holly,
I am so sad for you! A mother's grief is like no other on earth. My son died several years ago by suicide. I will spare spilling the details to avoid causing you more pain. Please be gentle with yourself. Healing is a lifetime experience. I wrote too and found it therapeutic. My book has been out for about 2 years now and it still amazes me that God took my scribbling and published it to help others heal from horrific loss. Keep going. You are not alone. The one who cared for baby lambs cares about our baby lambs and us too! Blessings, Gracie

Dec 12, 2012
I'm so sorry
by: carla

Holly I am so sorry for your loss. Joshua I'm sure would have loved to have taken a different road in life but it did not work out that way for him.

I had a precious daughter named Heather Leann who was 29 when she was brutally murdered.I have to live each day knowing the person who took her life is protected by our judicial system.

Our sons and daughters are a direct gift from God and they are precious. I can't begin to say why they are called to their heavenly home before us. Just try to have faith that when you are called Joshua and Jesus will have that home reserved for you, and each day I wake up I know I am one day closer to my home with Heather and Jesus.

Please contact me at carla.d.pope@att.net if you need to vent or just talk to someone in your shoes.

Dec 12, 2012
My Beloved Joshua
by: Doreen U.K.

Holly I am deeply sorry for your loss of your son Joshua at 25yrs. and died of suicide. This loss will have crushed you to the point of not being able to cope with this loss. It matters not how old our children are. When one ends their life for whatever reason. Our world is never the same. Almost all cases of loss by suicide benefit greatly from seeing a grief counsellor. This is a specialist area of concern. You carried this son for 9 months. He was attached to you by an umbilical cord. It is at DEATH that I feel this umbilical cord is severed and the PAIN is UNBEARABLE. We will worry about our children from the cradle to the grave. How can a mother not feel the pain of such a loss? My nephew threw himself at 30yrs in front of an express train. He couldn't cope with life. His medication caused suicidal tendencies. He was left in such pain. There was no way out. My sister was MAD WITH GRIEF. She had to have a counsellor come to her home to support her. This helped her so much. She attended the inquest and it was so horrific she could not share this with anyone. She is scarred for life but she is slowly healing from the pain of 5 years ago. She was caught in between taking her son back home or losing her second husband who could not get on with her son. CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE. She lost her son. Kept her husband. and paid the ultimate price for a DECISION SHE REGRETS. No one talks about this death anymore. it is too painfull. The death was horrific. Body parts on the track. Thermal imaging used. How does one go on after a loss like this? I just don't know. Any death of a child/Adult Child is so very PAINFUL. May God Comfort you in your Sorrow and Pain. May you be supported by family and friends till the Pain gets less and more bearable. May life treat you better. May your remaining son be comforted and supported in His pain and loss of his big brother. May your remaining son cling to you and find solace in one another. I feel your sadness and loss. God be with you all.

Dec 12, 2012
Your loss
by: Anonymous

Holly,
I'm so sorry for the loss of your precious son. I lost my adult daughter last February . I understand your feelings. Losing a child is indescribable.


Dec 12, 2012
Holly
by: Wendy

I pray for peace, love and light to find their way to you. I notice that you are in such pain that you can only mention the name of your son Jonathan. The pain is unimaginable for a parent who has not come face to face with this situation. I hope you can write more soon.

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