My beloved mom has gone and we have not sorted out our differences

by Janine
(Western Province)

My mom died suddenly after being rather ill for a while she was 80 years old. I sat with mom for the last few days whilst she died in the hospital, but she did not even seem to know I was there. She had a mild stroke and the blood clot lodged it self at the top of her left leg and as her veins have collapsed as she was on dialysis they would have to have removed the leg. Anyway, mom and I had an argument about three months before and it was really nasty and she said I must stay away. She phoned to speak to my son, but would not speak to me. She was very hurt by the argument. I then only was summonsed to her bed as she was dying. Before the argument we were so close and I think I was just having problems and could not cope and my mom was my rock and I took it out on her. Why did she just not phone me and say lets forget about what happened and not let it happen again. But she refused to talk to me and I just cant seem to deal with this anymore.

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Sep 03, 2012
My beloved mom has gone and we have not sorted out our differences.
by: Doreen U.K.

Janine it is a common problem in families that fractures will take place. Times I have been parted from certain members of my family and I was the one that always made the first move. I used to get tired of this but still did this. I also took responsibility when I did something wrong and hurt someone. I WOULD SAY SORRY. But I too have been let down and hurt and I don't see anyone doing this for me. IT HURTS. It takes two to have a quarrell. But it really does become monotonous always being the one to do all the restoration. But I guess I will carry on doing this. Because it is who I am. But I won't apologise or take responsibility if it is not appropriate. I daresay because your mother told you not to come back to her it was because she was hurt. But think through carefully what the argument was about and see if there was anything you could have done to make the situation easier? Most of the time we can't go back and right any wrongs. We have to bury them in the sea just like the Bible says. Jesus casts our sins into the sea of his forgetfullness and He remembers them no more. Then he puts up a sign that says. NO FISHING. meaning you can't go back and pick up and worry over what God has forgiven you for. Your mother cannot be hurt anymore by what happened. You are the one hurting. Nothing can be done to put this right. You simply have to let it go. FORGIVE YOURSELF. Forgiving ourselves is the hardest of all. Mothers usually do FORGIVE their children ANYTHING. If your mother was stubborn this would have prevented her from putting right also where she was wrong. Often we carry the blame for the other person. You have to let this go. We all have boundaries and can only be responsible for ourselves. It is not always easy to resolve problems when they arise and also if there is a lot of hurt around it will take longer. Why you are hurting so much is BECAUSE YOU CANNOT RESOLVE THIS PROBLEM BECAUSE YOUR MOTHER IS NOT HERE FOR YOU TO RESOLVE THIS. What I did was to go into counselling and Resolve there what I couldn't resolve in my daily interaction with the people who hurt me and who I hurt. I have HEALED to a degree that it is better for me and I live with less REGRETS. Usually PRIDE gets in the way and this may be why your mother did not phone you and sort things out. This will be about her and not you. Summoning you to her bedside was her way of saying SORRY! and for her to die in peace having sorted out her problem of this argument the only way she knew how to. Your mom was supportive to you because that is what mums do. She was your ROCK. But you don't need to feel GUILTY. A lot of this is grief. Grief just chucks out all the unresolved problems which adds to our grief.

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