My beloved Mother
by Mick G
It has been 2 months since the death of my mother. My mother was diagnosed with cancer of the lymph nodes 3 years ago and died from it.
In her final weeks my father and my 2 sibling ( 1brother & 1 sister) would visit her each day at the . Each time we would visit our mother we just lay there on the bed, she would never reply back as she was weak. I would always smile, give her a kiss. And as we left I would I say I love you and see you again tomorrow. These smile I gave were always painful, they were sharp pain as I just wanted to cry. But I had to stay strong for my younger sister and older brother. Each time I said " ok mum next time you better reply to me, see yak tomorrow". These are what hurt the most. I was always try to play it cool for my sibling and those present at the room. All I was hoping for was just to spend just another day with my mother. The car trip heading back were just as terrible. The Final car trip was a surprise. We all were feeling edgy, but so how I guess we all knew the end was soon. In the car we all could comfortably talk like it was a normal day.
The hardest part was the mouth after my mother death. Being half filio, it was tradition to say a pray every day for 40 days. The prays were hard to endure for the first couple of nights but got easier to handle as the night progress. During these prayers family friends from all other will come, some we never scene for 10 years ago or those we haven't meet. These was what annoyed me the most. It wasn't that they appeared, it was that we will never see them again as they were any connect with our descended mother.
The pain and grieving is still unbearable, as each time I think about my mother death and the shared memories I always start tearing up. It's gotten to the point where if I'm by myself, I think about her and start crying. I'm in my final year of schooling, without the unneeded stress the teachers place on you, I have to go through the death of my mother. I have been unmotivated with my studies, I'm behind in a few subjects. The work load just keeps pilling up. The worst part is being at school. After my mother death I have been laughing and smiling a lot more, which you probably think is good. But these smiles and laughter are all fake which I used to cover up how I truly am feeling. I only do it so that school can run as it did before the death of my mother. I don't want to be pitied on by those how don't understand or those who think they understand. Those that do annoy the shit out of me. I hate how they feel the need to 'support' me, I just want to tell them to '@u@k off'. The hardest part about my mother's death on my schooling life is that she won't be there for my graduation. It would always hurt when I think about it and how everyone else would have their mothers there. It completely breaks my heart just visualising it.
I always feel alone, even when there's family and friends around me. I want to talk about with other who have experienced what I have lost. I hard to talk about it with family members as it gets awkward and unmeaning full for me.
sorry if this is more of me bitching but I felt it was necessary to convey how i truly feel after the death of my mother