My beloved Mother

by Mick G
(Australia NSW)

It has been 2 months since the death of my mother. My mother was diagnosed with cancer of the lymph nodes 3 years ago and died from it.
In her final weeks my father and my 2 sibling ( 1brother & 1 sister) would visit her each day at the . Each time we would visit our mother we just lay there on the bed, she would never reply back as she was weak. I would always smile, give her a kiss. And as we left I would I say I love you and see you again tomorrow. These smile I gave were always painful, they were sharp pain as I just wanted to cry. But I had to stay strong for my younger sister and older brother. Each time I said " ok mum next time you better reply to me, see yak tomorrow". These are what hurt the most. I was always try to play it cool for my sibling and those present at the room. All I was hoping for was just to spend just another day with my mother. The car trip heading back were just as terrible. The Final car trip was a surprise. We all were feeling edgy, but so how I guess we all knew the end was soon. In the car we all could comfortably talk like it was a normal day.

The hardest part was the mouth after my mother death. Being half filio, it was tradition to say a pray every day for 40 days. The prays were hard to endure for the first couple of nights but got easier to handle as the night progress. During these prayers family friends from all other will come, some we never scene for 10 years ago or those we haven't meet. These was what annoyed me the most. It wasn't that they appeared, it was that we will never see them again as they were any connect with our descended mother.

The pain and grieving is still unbearable, as each time I think about my mother death and the shared memories I always start tearing up. It's gotten to the point where if I'm by myself, I think about her and start crying. I'm in my final year of schooling, without the unneeded stress the teachers place on you, I have to go through the death of my mother. I have been unmotivated with my studies, I'm behind in a few subjects. The work load just keeps pilling up. The worst part is being at school. After my mother death I have been laughing and smiling a lot more, which you probably think is good. But these smiles and laughter are all fake which I used to cover up how I truly am feeling. I only do it so that school can run as it did before the death of my mother. I don't want to be pitied on by those how don't understand or those who think they understand. Those that do annoy the shit out of me. I hate how they feel the need to 'support' me, I just want to tell them to '@u@k off'. The hardest part about my mother's death on my schooling life is that she won't be there for my graduation. It would always hurt when I think about it and how everyone else would have their mothers there. It completely breaks my heart just visualising it.

I always feel alone, even when there's family and friends around me. I want to talk about with other who have experienced what I have lost. I hard to talk about it with family members as it gets awkward and unmeaning full for me.

sorry if this is more of me bitching but I felt it was necessary to convey how i truly feel after the death of my mother

Comments for My beloved Mother

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Mar 07, 2013
by: Anonymous

Hi. I was touched by what you wrote and moved. I lost my mom too. Some days are harder than others. In a way sometimes, it feels like yesterday.. at other times I have moments where I can be so focused on something and in the moment that the pain and memory seem to fade and its like nothing happened, until I stop focusing and it all comes back. This happens too when I wake from dreaming. Sometimes I dream of her, and other times I don't. It helps always to see the sun in the morning, hear the birds, or go get a morning beverage like coffee or fresh orange juice... it helps because you're moving yourself forward and grounding yourself to where you are in life right now and you deserve to comfort and console and treat yourself well, just as your mom would treat you. She would want that. I too have a hard time studying. Even tonight I'm supposed to read. I promise myself I will try again tomorrow. After all, my mom would want me to. At the same time, all I can do is try, and take it easy. I don't think I've laughed or smiled the same way since she passed. I know that now when I do feel happy, I feel that undercurrent of sadness at the same time since I miss her, and her presence in my life. But, it is true, she gave me a life, raised me and now its up to me to show her I learned the lessons and try - to be good, to be conscience, to be good to others, to take care of myself... and to enjoy the simple pleasures in life. I feel lonely too. There was no one like her and there is no family love that is like that between a mother and child. But, I do my best not to let her death destroy me.. her love for me was strong and I owe it to her to love myself even when I miss her too much and don't know how I fit into this world anymore when its challenging and cold. Please be strong and that means to just be yourself and do what you're doing to cope the best you can. As days go by, you will feel stronger and I know the memory and love will never fade. In that, you are not alone. We all experience loss, at different times, different ways and each of us react to it differently. This is your life now. Honor her memory and be true to yourself and take it day by day, with the memory of your love for her and her for you to keep you strong and comforted. My heart goes out to you.

Aug 10, 2012
by: Janine

Oh I read your story and OH I can so relate. My mom was my rock, and me being a single mom, with a little boy, relied so on her for support and strength and just dont know how I am going to do it now. There is just no replacement, and I am scared as I just cant do anything, and I can see what you mean with school, I cant even imagine ever going back to work and managing to focus on my work. God will have to guide me otherwise I am just not going to deal with it at all. I would never manage school and take my hat off to you for still putting on that fake smile as that is what I am doing and noone knows nothing. Everyone says it is part of life, but if this is life I dont like it at all. It is too painful. xxx

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