My beloved, the love of my life is gone

Today is one month since my life changed. I lost the love of my life, my soul mate, my beloved to lung cancer. He was a great loving husband and father to our 2 kids aged 11 and 9. He did not accept the prognosis and fought, and it looked like he was winning the battle. He looked so well and he was fit, however just after Christmas he began to feel tired and unwell. On the 20 of January, we were told he had multiple metastases in his liver and he had weeks to live. He died just 37 days later in my arms in our bed on the 26th of Feb 2011. I was all alone in the room with him. He was unconscious for a few hours, but I kept talking to him. He died early in the morning and when he actually took his last breath and went limp in my arms, I felt devastated and lost. Nothing had prepared me for the empty feeling. Some how I managed on auto-pilot and it is now 4 weeks. The pain is intense and almost unbearable.

We were such a close knit family and we were always together. 2 days ago I went for my kids basketball match. He would have been there with us, and seeing another father there, I felt cheated. He should have been there for us.

I miss him every moment. Our kids and my faith keeps me going. My husband accepted that he could die and had prepared for his death and funeral.He cared for me till the very end. He had great faith and this gave him comfort and till the very end he was serene and peaceful. When he passed away, we got many signs from him. On his funeral day, I was able to remain composed, however at the grave, when his coffin was being lowered into the ground, I could not control my tears. It was then that my sister-in-law told me to look up in the sky. It was a beautiful summer day with a blue sky and suddenly out of no-where there was a big white solitary bird gently flying just above the grave. It circled the grave 3 times and then flew high up and vanished as it had come. My tears turned to joy, as I felt a deep peace overcome me.

It is now 1 month and life is very tough for me. Some days I am OK, other days I am a mess. I appear to be strong for others, but when I am on my own, the tears seem to just. I do not know what I am doing and I am in a daze. At times I am angry.

I am reading a lot of books on grief and will join a grief support group, but the palliative care team tell me I need to wait for 8 weeks before I am ready to join a group. At the moment I am on leave, but I will need to return to work sometime, and I am afraid of how I will cope.

I am now lost for words on how to end this, so I will just stop.

Comments for My beloved, the love of my life is gone

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Mar 28, 2011
thank you
by: Maria

Thank you for your messages which uplifts me. I know I am not alone, although it seems as if I am alone.

Somehow I keep going. Judy thanks for the analogy of the river. It helps me realize, I need to go with the flow, not against it. So I cry when I feel like crying and at times I laugh. I am surprised I can still laugh. My girls recollect funny things about dad and it brightens my day.

I have his pictures in every room, smiling at me and it gives me joy. I also spend a lot of time in the garden. Working with the earth gives me peace and I feel him all around me.

I am happy for my beloved, at last he is at peace and he is well again. Cancer cannot touch him and he is whole and happy.

Today I met with the palliative care support worker and felt good talking with her. Next month I will be joining a support group. I know I must go with this grief and I also know it will change me. I am sad to have lost my beloved, yet I am blessed to have had him for 21 years of love. I know death cannot destroy our love and one day we will meet in heaven.
Thanks once again for all your support and responses.

Love and God Bless


Mar 27, 2011
Your love is gone
by: Judy

You words brought me to tears and reminded me of the time immediately after I lost my Barry. Take what comfort you can that you were with him at the end and he left this life wrapped in your love.

Everything you are experiencing is completely normal and we here can all attest to that. Let grief take you where it will-cry if you feel like it or laugh if that happy emotion is brought to you. The ups and downs are normal-we call it the roller coaster of grief. Having now reached a further out point I have come to think of grief as being a river-you are in it and can't get out. To survive you must go along where it takes you. To fight just wears you out and prolongs the time you are in the river.

We are all here anytime for you.


Mar 26, 2011
by: Anonymous

wow your story is is like no other but it brought tears to my eyes knowing hes in glory and watching over you and your kids im happy to know you know the lord hes faithful. i lost my husband 14months ago and hes in glory too and still grieving keep the faith my faith also keep my pressing on. god bless you sister in christ. ah

Mar 26, 2011
Lost Marsha 2-13-11
by: Rick

Are shedding the same tears as you. Baseball season is here . Marsha and I went to all there games . Dont know how its going to there without her. God Bless Rick

Mar 26, 2011
Your Going in the Right Direction
by: Patti

Everything you are experiencing is normal. My husband died four months ago. I actually had a day last week where I didn't shed a tear. Then I thought about it and cried 1/2 the next day. Nothing about our emotions make much sense. This grief is something we have to get through. Everyone moves at their own pace. We have to go through all of this pain and suffering to get to the other side. Everyone says we do feel whole again. I'm far from that but I do see myself making some baby steps. I was actually able to listen to the CD that was prepared for Joe's funeral yesterday. It was good to listen to but of course I cried though all 22 songs. Crying is good for us. I actually do feel better after a good cry. Some days when I'm feeling especially anxious I read and re-read all the condolence cards I received and have a good cry.
Take one moment, one step, one day at a time. I almost drove myself crazy thinking about facing the rest of my life without my wonderful husband by my side. I just wake up each morning, take a deep breath and pray for strength to make it through today. Don' worry about tomorrow, Cling to the friends and family that make you feel good about yourself. Love those children for both of you. We are all a bunch of strong women. We'll get through this.
Talk to God. Sometimes I feel like he's not listening to me (I'm very impatient) but he is.
Blessings and Hugs to you.

Mar 26, 2011
So sorry for your Loss

I found this site a month into grief. It is now heading towards month 16 the 6th of April. I remember oh too vividly reality kicking in after 30 days of robotic like existance.

Keep reading posts not the just the current ones but under lost love/spouse. You will understand the grief insanity you are about to enter and knowing that others have felt and done similar things will not ease grief, but let you know that you are not alone.

The people here are wonderful and sympathetic to the grieving process. Friends and family will tire of the broken record that we play. Grow inpatient and say stupid things like...Life goes on, and other worthless sayings trying but not succeeding to make you feel better.

I still have pangs of envy when seeing families do things together, feel cheated that I am alone raising our youngest. He is 13 tomorrow the 27th of March. And time does march on (excuse the pun) without my love. I am coming closer to a closure and acceptance of life as it stands now.

Today I feel childish, cheated out of what should be life experiences with my Love I now survive/ experience alone. One day I will accept this new life that I try to carve out for myself.

But Today I am angry that I must "Celebrate" without him. I am impatient and trying my damnest
to fool my son how happy I am with him.

Tough acting job, perhaps next year I will be truly happy and I can drop the facade.

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