by Lynne Rose
We met. I was 15, he was 18. We had 45 years of love, companionship, tenderness and, and ... How do you express being connected at so deep a level that it is almost as if it were born in you?
He was ill, not seriously, but chronically. Had a form of muscular dystrophy which is progressive and degenerative, nothing that would take him quickly. But suddenly, in 36 hours, he was gone. Doctors have no explanation - "everything snowballed". Ten days ago.
What do I do now? Children, grandchildren - don't have a clue. Yes, they are grieving in their own way, but haven't a clue where I'm coming from. I want to be left alone, but they feel I need "looking after". I want to tell them "Leave me ALONE!", but I recognize they need me to help them through this.
I'm still running on "auto pilot", doing all the necessary paperwork, notifying the proper agencies and organizations, wondering how to pay the bills without his pension; but in the back of my mind, I keep hearing this little voice - "he's gone, he's not coming home this time".
He went so fast - I don't know where I'm going, how I'll get there or if there is a tomorrow.