My Beloved

by Lynne Rose
(New York)

We met. I was 15, he was 18. We had 45 years of love, companionship, tenderness and, and ... How do you express being connected at so deep a level that it is almost as if it were born in you?

He was ill, not seriously, but chronically. Had a form of muscular dystrophy which is progressive and degenerative, nothing that would take him quickly. But suddenly, in 36 hours, he was gone. Doctors have no explanation - "everything snowballed". Ten days ago.

What do I do now? Children, grandchildren - don't have a clue. Yes, they are grieving in their own way, but haven't a clue where I'm coming from. I want to be left alone, but they feel I need "looking after". I want to tell them "Leave me ALONE!", but I recognize they need me to help them through this.

I'm still running on "auto pilot", doing all the necessary paperwork, notifying the proper agencies and organizations, wondering how to pay the bills without his pension; but in the back of my mind, I keep hearing this little voice - "he's gone, he's not coming home this time".

He went so fast - I don't know where I'm going, how I'll get there or if there is a tomorrow.

Comments for My Beloved

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Jan 14, 2010
by: Jade

Hi. I'm so sorry for your loss. It's so like mine, well my Grandad's. Him and my Nan were 49 years married on the 16th of December; just gone, the day before, she took a stroke she never woke from.

She was 14 and he was 19 when they met and they married 3 years later. She was taken so quickly from him too, only that night they were laughing and talking about the "good old days". I've never seen a couple like them. She'd sit in her chair and he'd sit on the end of the sofa next to her and put his hand across the arm and with out looking she'd put her hand in his.

I lived with them for most of my life, and now it's just me and him. I can't begin to comprehend how hard it is for him or you. I only had 18 years with my Nan, he had a life time as you did with your husband.

My heart goes out to you both.

Jan 14, 2010
Take a breath
by: Hope

Hey you have to give yourself some time. It's only been 10 days. It's been almost a month and a half and I'm still not right, nor expect myself to be. Yes things need to be done in time. Only do what is absolutely necessary to get through the day.(Lists help since the mind refuses to work properly.)

The main thing is trying to take quiet time for yourself to journal (helps) or cry, without interruption. My kids try to stop me when I am falling apart weeping. I tell them don't try to silence my grief, it needs to come out. When they come in the room I stop to take care of them and their needs. On Autopilot too I know.

Each day pulls out a memory, no mater how you thought you put things away to shield yourself. Eat just a little snack though you don't want to eat. Take care of yourself. Mind and body. Keep reading we are all here wondering how to function.....

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