My best friend and true love passed away last month

by Heidi

My best friend forever - my soul mate - my true love died 8 weeks ago. These have been the most excruciating weeks of my life – and it only seems to get worse. We were together for 15 wonderful years. Mickey was always so loving and fun to be with. He had such a positive outlook on life. He knew me better than anyone ever has. Mickey was ill and I took care of him. I wish I could have spent more time ‘with’ him the last months of his life and not just ‘taking care of’ him. Not sure if that makes sense. There was so much to do and I was exhausted physically and emotionally. I didn’t have much help no matter how much I asked so I tried to take care of him the best I could and still keep working. He went into the hospital and a routine procedure went terribly wrong. The night before, we talked and prayed together, said we love each other. I didn’t know that it would be the last time we would ever be together. I am comforted knowing how much Mickey loved me. And that he knew how much I love him. Although family and friends hurt and miss Mickey too - they are able to continue on with their lives. My world is completely shattered. Mickey and I were together every single day all these years and now suddenly he is not here with me. I miss him so much it hurts me to my core. It’s a struggle facing each day that shows up. I am grateful for these 15 years together – but they now seem to have gone by in a blink of an eye.

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Jan 21, 2014
Our Own Journey
by: Edna

Dear Heidi,

Please know that you are not alone, my husband passed away on the 25th of October 2013, he died of stomach cancer, his prognosis was poor as it was found too late because of no symptoms...he was very fit. For me, he is the most wonderful husband a wife can have, just like is Mickey to is very very painful to be left alone...we are just the most emotional beings in this planet...we feel love deeply...we get hurt equally deeply...for me, i am not looking forward to my future anymore...i had the best life with my husband...i know there wouldn't be anything better than that...we can never have another soul mate, there is only one Mickey for you...all we can do now is to HONOR them, give honor, respect and gratitude to their name...that is their afterlife...they are now sleeping sweetly forever...we can only let our tears fall...we will miss their physical presence...until it is our time to be with them again...sending hugs to you...i would suggest to keep visiting this site cause this is the place where you can find real people in the same grief journey walking on their own path to healing which is a very slow journey to one day at a time as
Doreen and Lawrence said...sending hugs to you Heidi xxx

Jan 16, 2014
thank you Doreen
by: Heidi

Thank you Doreen. You are in my prayers for strength and better health. Thank you for always replying to my postings too. I know replying must take a lot out of you too as you struggle with your dear husband not being able to be by your side. They are our hearts and memories…but it’s still not the same. I will keep in touch with you. You and this site have really helped me.

Jan 14, 2014
Not Coping Well
by: Doreen UK

Heidi I wish I could be with you in person as often as I could, because this is what most of us on this site needs. That personal touch. Someone to sit with us and let us talk and talk and to give you a hug. If you haven't tried counselling this may be a good time to try it. It is not a magic cure. But if you are stuck in grief they surely will help you here. Grief is unbearable. I have had a difficult time just like you. Constant memories plague me. I have just sat on the couch again as I did for the first 6 months with lack of motivation. I feel the isolation more now. My blood pressure is too high now for one week and I am worried. I don't want to have a stroke. I know it is the grief and the stress of grieving. We will both have to ask God to throw us a lifeline, because this grief feels as if we are sinking. And I don't know the best way forward. Even one day at a time feels like an eternity. Heidi You need people around you. This does help. But I fear this is one grief storm we are going to have to sit out one day at a time, and when the bad days come we lean harder into God and don't give up till He hears our Prayers. He is our only help for this grief that is killing us. Grief feels like emotional cancer without medication to take the pain away. So write back as often as you need to my email is If you need to write more often you can write as much and as often as you feel to my email for personal support. Because you don't know how and when you will feel so desperate. For now take care of yourself. Doreen

Jan 14, 2014
not coping well
by: Heidi

I am in a constant state of sadness. how do you cope with the continual strong surges of feelings of loss? I try to concentrate on something i.e. work and all of a sudden a memory will flash in my mind and I just start crying. I miss him so much. He was my whole world. It’s so unfair that he’s not here - but I still am. It’s so unreal – I can’t believe it. We were together 15 years. I can’t even imagine all the memories that a spouse/significant other has after being decades and decades together.

Jan 12, 2014
he loves me forever
by: Heidi

I'm putting keepsakes together of things that Mickey gave me over the years. Ones that aren't out already. I have all the birthday cards he gave me over the years. He not once in 15 years ever missed or forgot my birthday. In all the cards he said 'he loves me forever'. He was true in his love. He loved me forever till the day he died. I feel blessed that God brought Mickey into my life.

I'm having another really difficult morning. Who am I kidding, every morning is difficult. I miss Mickey so much.

Jan 08, 2014
Glad I read
by: Anonymous

I have been looking at this site and finally started reading. I lost my husband to cancer one yr and ten mths ago. This really hit home. I took care of him. We were always together...for almost twelve yrs. I am 47 & have lost both parents, a sister & two best friends. I thought I could get thru anything...but this is still so hard. Now after reading this I know that this is nothing like any other loss I have ever had. I took care of him & we didn't get to do the things I wanted for us before...we'll...before we both stopped living. I have been alone but for the first time in life, I am lonely. And lost. Praying for us all. Thanks for sharing.

Dec 16, 2013
Crisis of Faith
by: Doreen UK

Heidi you asked the question. "Why should I believe God will help me now? and what is the point because it doesn't matter now because Mickey has died."
This is how I felt. I sent prayers out all over the world and felt desperate for prayers of healing from cancer. I listened to the God channel and bought books about people who had been healed and I rested my Faith on this promise for me also. God is the Healer and I sat waiting for my miracle and saw my husband draw his last breath. I felt angry for months and couldn't understand what went wrong. I began to feel I hadn't prayed the right prayer's or perhaps got my prayers wrong. I beat on the chest of God with anger and not understanding the whole process of HEALING. I then gave up questioning Why? I was too tired to pray or ask God for anything. I too thought "what is the point?" Just like you I had a crisis of Faith. Belief in God and Trusting him is a matter of CHOICE. I take one day at a time. I don't pray for miracles anymore. But I do pray for Blessings in my life and to get through each day intact and with God's grace. This is all any of us can do. Healing is such a slow process. But taking one day at a time I found my perspective and knowledge of God changing and I became more sensitive to what God is doing. We won't have the answers now, but in eternity. Just keep Hope alive. This is all we have to cling to. Best wishes.

Dec 15, 2013
Crisis in faith
by: Heidi

Mickey had such a strong will to live and lived with his daily pain and struggles without complaint. I prayed and prayed all these years – asking God to help Mickey overcome his illness. When Mickey was getting sicker, I added prayers asking for help from family – but even though they love him - everyone was always too busy.

So then I added more prayers asking God to make me stronger to make sure I took good care of Mickey. I had taken care of Mickey by myself all these years, but this last year was more difficult. I was always so exhausted and stressed about the strangest things and had my own health issues pop up out of nowhere.

This last year of Mickey’s life I had realized how very deeply I love and need Mickey. Mickey’s love for me was always strong. I realized that my ability to stay optimistic and grounded was because of Mickey. He was one month away from getting clearance for life saving surgery. And then Mickey died.

My question is – why should I believe that God will help me get through this? What’s the point of helping me now that Mickey is dead? It seems the more I tried to do right – and the more I prayed – the more Mickey suffered. I needed help for Mickey - I wanted Mickey's prayers to be answered. All we wanted was to be here together and for Mickey to be well again.

Dec 13, 2013
People tire quickly of someone in grief
by: Doreen UK

Heidi don't be too hard on yourself. You are in the early stages of grief and express your feelings in much the same way all of us did when we lost our spouse. It is so easy to blame ourselves for not spending more time with the one's we loved. I feel this way also. But our spouses can't feel anything now so we would just be punishing ourselves. Reverse what you think and feel. Try it for one day. then keep it up. You will soon find your mood, feelings, and mind set changes and you start to heal from your loss. I had to force myself out of my sorrow. I felt abandoned when family and friends went on with their lives untouched by what I was feeling. But this is personal to me. How can anyone feel what I felt, in much the same way as I would feel if they lost their spouse. We each bear our own pain even though it is similar in intensity. We can't question why God took our loved one so quickly, and why we are left here on earth to do life all alone. We all have a life span and this will end for us one day. In time you will find a way back into life and you won't feel as you do now. I have changed and see things more clearly. I made too many changes in the first few months of loss. Some good and some I regret, but I am finding that I have been left a gift from my loss. FREEDOM. To choose what I want to do even if this be nothing. I have never been aware of the freedom I had till now and see this as a blessing. A gift left for me from my loss of my husband. I am sure God has made me aware of this gift and God guides me every day and allows me to feel good about life even when I feel sad and unhappy about losing my husband. Seek God daily and often. He is our only Hope. You had to go to work and employers don't work around our difficulties otherwise you would had to lie in order to take time off work and perhaps lose your job. Applaud yourself for doing your best. Build yourself up each day with positive thinking and doing special things for yourself. This will help you heal from your grief. Also taking one day at a time. May God with you always.

Dec 12, 2013
Best friend and true love
by: Anonymous--MI

Heidi---I feel the way that you do---I want to have Jesus call my name and let me join my husband in heaven. I am so sad and I think even after 13 months I still am in shock---it feels like I am waiting for my wonderful husband to come back-----but we know our loved ones are not coming back and we must 'weather the storm' and try to go on and live our lives in a new way now. we must look around and see the people who are depending on us to help them and be strong for them. We have been given a horrible task to deal with---I want to stop trying so many times and then I realize that I have grown kids and grandkids who need me to be in their lives. I cry every day and night and miss my husband with all my heart but God keeps pulling me back up when I fall down and reminds me that He will not forsake me. Hold on--one day at a time--and cling to God for your very life and peace within that will come,to some degree, in the days--months and years ahead. God Be with us all on this site.

Dec 12, 2013
people tire quickly of someone in grief
by: Heidi

I am so ready if God wants to take me now. I don’t understand why He took Mickey so soon and so suddenly. I didn’t have a chance to say all the things to Mickey that I now type in a journal – a journal that Mickey will never see but would have loved to. I miss Mickey so much. I’m lonely for Mickey – not lonely for anyone else. Family, friends have gone back to their regular lives. I’m supposed to ‘pull myself together’ or ‘find a hobby’. But my life is over. I know Mickey wouldn’t want me to be so shattered, but I can’t help it – I love him and miss him.
It’s just not fair. Mickey worked so hard just to get this far and it was a struggle for him each day but he was doing it. I was praying so hard my head would hurt. And then that hospital procedure happened. In trying to help him – they ended up killing him. I don’t know how to reconcile that. Maybe if I would have looked at his hospital records while he was hospitalized instead of listening to what the doctors were saying. Or maybe I should have been staying all day while he was hospitalized instead of trying to go to work. Maybe Mickey would be here right now. I didn’t protect him – I let him down. I just really miss him.

Dec 11, 2013
Hoping to find Happiness
by: Anonymous

I read the comments and know that we are all in a "club" that nobody dreamed of or volunteered for. I lost my husband 3 months ago in an accident. I can honestly say that only in the last 2 to 3 weeks has the physical pain of this loss lessened. The first couple of months I felt totally shattered like my heart had been ripped from my chest.
However,I have been so blessed; our friends and community have been so wonderful to me and my children. It's difficult to survive a loss like this without God and your friends. The only advice I can give to cry when you need to to your friends, hit your knees and cry out to God and your loved one you lost. I try to stay busy...staying alone in your empty house just brings sadness and reminds me I'm alone. Nothing will replace that person; no one can fill that void. I try to focus on the promise that I will see him again one day and he would want me to be happy and live my life until we meet again. I'm not sure what my future will hold but all of us only have hope that we will find happiness again. We all have to take it day by day and realize that we are going to have bad days. Those are the days I really seek God and try to think of my blessings. It's not always easy because I want him back and my life back but I can't really change that circumstance. I'm trying to change my perspective. To all of you and myself I pray we find peace and happiness again in our lives.

Dec 04, 2013
My best friend and true love passed away last month
by: Doreen UK

Heidi it is early days and you rushing home to be on your own is very normal. Most of us felt this way. Take one day at a time and you will find that in time you will be able to socialise. For now it is too painful. I understand. After 18 months I feel the same way. I don't go out of my way to socialise. But I do get together with a couple of people who loved my husband and understand the nature of grief. Soon you will be able to get your life back. I know it doesn't make any sense at the moment and you feel as if you will be this way forever. But you won't. Let your family and friends know you are not able to be in company at the moment and hope they will understand. Failure to communicate how you feel will make you feel isolated and abandoned. By communicating clearly your needs which is to be on your own for now so you can process your feelings and grieve as you need to. This way you will be leaving the door open to embrace others into your life later on. It hurts so much. I wish you Peace and comfort in your sorrow.

Dec 04, 2013
I appreciate your comments
by: Heidi

Thank you for your words of support. I can hear your own anguish in each of your replies. I’m not sure why we were built to love so deeply because when that person is taken away it’s completely devastating. I just want to hide at home. Only time I go out is to go to work. Then I run home to our pets and my memories. People offer to take me to lunch or dinner or get togethers for the holiday but I have no desire to be with anyone. I will ‘celebrate’ the birth of our Lord on the 25th but as for the ‘holiday season’, I can’t even drive past a mall without crumbling into tears. I miss Mickey so much; his love his laughter his companionship his friendship his comfort his just being here.

Dec 03, 2013
to Anonymous
by: Anonymous--MI

I read your comments to Heidi and I understand what you are saying. Yes--I also feel the loss of my husband one year ago is indeed Hell on Earth and until one has this horrible painful experience it is not going to be understood. People mean well--they want to 'heal' us so that they can feel better themselves. Of course, they want us to be happy and well again and many will try to take us to lunch, go to outings and telephone us often---all well meaning gestures but in my case, it was just a reminder that now I am a 'widow' and alone and people want to take care of me. I declined (and still do) many invitations because I just couldn't handle the small talk, the painful encounters and coming home to my empty home. It takes a very long time I am realizing to climb back up this mountain that we have been thrown off of and the journey up is very slow--very brutal and very humbling. I want to post messages of joy and hope---tonight all I can say is I am clinging to God to help me and all of us on this site.

Dec 03, 2013
heidi no worse pain
by: Anonymous

I read with great sympathy your post. There is no worse pain that you are feeling. I can say this for the same thing recently happened to me. I have had people I was close to die but until my love passed away suddenly I have never really experienced death before. The excruciating pain you feel is yours and yours alone. A reflection of the deep love you had for Mickey. I have been let down by everyone and I didn't have that many to count on anyway. Its a rough ride. Too loose something and someone so precious no words can begin to describe. It is for me a living nightmare, a daily trip to hell with a wool sweater on---hold on. I hope you can find some peace and solace over time.

Dec 03, 2013
My best friend and true love passed away last month
by: Doreen UK

Heidi I am sorry for your loss of your beloved soul mate Mickey. It has only been 8 weeks and this is the worst few months you will ever go through. Healing from Grief is such a slow process we all wish we could hurry this process up so we can feel better, because grief assaults our body and our emotions for a long time. Few of us recover from grief soon. Your family and friends of Mickey would have had a different relationship with him and won't feel the deep sorrow and grief you feel due to your bond and relationship. Never let anyone make a comparison and make you feel you should be getting over Mickey's death. We never get over a death. We just learn in time to live with our loss till it hurts less.
I lost my husband 18 months ago to a deadly cancer and I was his caregiver for 3yrs.39days before he died. The level of care takes a lot out of one's system. You were a caregiver and also working so I think you should applaud yourself for doing an amazing job. Often one is so preoccupied with the caring that you often don't get to tune in on being closer as you say you wished you had given Mickey more of You. I didn't even say good-bye to my husband. He pulled my head down close to him and I couldn't move. I didn't realise till later that this was his way of saying good-bye. He must have known he was going to die soon whilst I sat waiting for my miracle of healing. But I don't like good-byes. So I said "See you in the morning." I believe that I will see my husband again according to Jesus Promise "I will come back and receive you unto myself that where I am there you may be also." This is my Eternal Hope and keeps me going on each day. Heidi you need to try and take ONLY ONE DAY AT A TIME. This is what I learned on this site and this has carried me through. I still can't look forward than today. My daughter makes the plans and I follow. I can't plan ahead at all. My sister will ask what I am doing at such a time and I tell her I can't make plans beyond today and everyone is getting used to this and understanding where I am at in my grief. Remember this should always be respected by your family and friends. To respect your space and your length of grief. There is no time limit on grief. I still hurt for my loss and miss my husband daily. I feel his presence and this is so comforting. I often get a spasm of desperation as if I need to seem him NOW. He has gone too long and I crave his physical presence. Worse at this time of the year. The way you feel now with such desperation is normal more so at the beginning of loss and the early stages of grief. If you look too far forward the grief will swallow you up and overwhelm you as it did me. I am comfortable taking one day at a time and I get through my days better. I plan my day when it comes. You will find your own level in time and what works for you. May God comfort you at this difficult time and give you HIS Peace.

Dec 02, 2013
Your grief
by: Lawrence

How my heart breaks for you and the acute misery and sadness you are feeling, it’s hell on earth not having a beloved partner to talk, laugh and indeed argue with, and it isn’t any consolation to know, you will never again feel as bad as you do now, you have my deepest sympathy and everybody’s on this web site who have all experienced the same overwhelming sadness you are feeling..
You had fifteen wonderful years, not long enough I agree, but these are things that we can’t decide, they are decisions made by a higher authority.
Eight weeks is nothing is this grief process and you have a hard road ahead and all I can advise is to cry,cry,cry it’s nature’s way of easing your intense pain.
BUT, and this is a big BUT, it will get better as the weeks and months pass and realization dawns that he has really gone and you are alone.
It’s nearly twelve month since I lost a beloved cherished wife after spending a lifetime together and I would never have thought after she died I would be giving comfort and advice to anyone, I just wanted to die and be with her and couldn’t face spending my remaining days alone, but, here I am doing it and showing that although you will always grieve you will come through it, believe me it’s not easy, so many things will trigger your tears, a song, seeing a couple kiss. Even looking at his photograph, but like me and all of us here, you will survive.
Don’t expect anybody to understand your anguish; you have to go through it to know.
Take great care of yourself and don’t be afraid to get help from your doctor if the pain gets too bad.

Dec 01, 2013
My Best Friend--true love.....
by: Anonymous--MI

Heidi----As I read your post I could identify with everything you said. I am so sorry for the loss of your true love. I had over 43 wonderful amazing yrs with my dear husband and he died a year ago of Sudden Cardiac Arrest---he was in my life and suddenly God called his name and up to heaven his spirit went. How wonderful for my husband! No more earthly concerns but instant Peace and Light and Love from Jesus. But--OH! the sorrow it has left me and my family with---just sadness, grief and pain. You are on the road of grief joining all on this site; we are together--carrying our burden of sorrow. But, also on this journey you will know that we all care for you and feel your loss and we will pray for you. This journey is a long one; after one year I know that these are still early days in healing. I look to God for help and in Him I put my faith and trust as one day I too will go to heaven and see the face of Jesus and my love--my husband. May God keep you close ---one day at a time.

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