My Best Friend Murdered!
by Liz
Everyone called my sister "Rae", the youngest of 3 other sisters. Rae was extremely intelligent, she was very outspoken, caring, sweet, thoughtful, funny and generous. Everyone that met her fell in love with her. She was my best friend. Growing up we did everything together, she was my athletic partner, we rode bikes from the bronx to manhattan, played handball, drank, got into trouble, danced; she was godmother to one of my daughters, was in the delivery room when I gave birth and cut her umbilical cord. Rae was always there for me and her 5 nieces, 4 of which are mine. We spoke about everything. She never made me feel ashamed or afraid that what I had to say to her would sound stupid or crazy, she understood me completely. If I had trouble dealing with something I said or did, she would tell me straight out, I was wrong, or I was right. I really had no other friends. None that I felt comfortable telling everything to. Now she is gone, and I have this complete emptiness inside me. I am so afraid to get too close to anyone emotionally. I am distancing myself even from my own children. This loss of my sister is the worst thing that has happened to my family. I have experienced good days when I can talk about her or see a picture of her without wanting to scream, cry, and lock myself away in a room. Other times, I am completely numb, extremely depressed and at times, do not want to be bothered with anyone. I keep all this hidden and do not show my parents, sister's, children or anyone else how deeply this is still affecting me. I barely sleep, I drank excessively for 3 months (which I stopped because I was always hungover). I go to work and some days have very productive days, while others I don't care if anything gets done. Every waking moment my Rae is on my mind. It hurts me so much to think that she suffered. She did not deserve to die this way, so horrible and violent. This was my first time looking for help to deal with my grief and am glad I came across this site. God bless every one of you that are going through this terrible pain. May you be given the strength to survive.
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