my "best/worst" friend died
Although for 21 years of marriage our lives were so full of ups and downs I dont know how to move forward now. My husband was a functional alcoholic but with that being said it did create issues within our marriage. He was however the best friend I ever had and he married me and helped me raise my 4 girls and man did he do a great job. He worked hard and worked until the 1st day of March 2012. Although we were currently living in separate households we spent most of our free time together. He was planning to take off for the florida trip on the 3rd on the motorcycle as I wasn't able to get off work this year. On the 2nd he legs were swollen and he asked me to call the doctor. You know he was the typical man, If i didn't call the doctor he wasn't going. Well I took him to the doctor on the 9th, his 53rd birthday and they put him straight in the hospital. On March 21st our fears were confirmed and he in fact had cancer. Treatments were planned, chemo 3 days and it went good but before we could start the next set of treatment he died. March 31st, 2012 I lost this wonderful pain in the ass man and I don't know what to do now. I have been going in "cruise control" to this point but the last few days has been awful. I can't sleep again, I can't eat, If I am by myself all I do is cry. I can't go through things that need to be gone through and the worse thing is I can't let me girls know how bad I really am. I read all the things that says its normal but I don't feel normal. I feel guilty for the time we wasted apart, I feel guilty for taking him to the doctor (even though I know it wouldn't of changed anything) I feel quilty that I didn't make him go sooner. but mostly I feel lost without him. Time is suppose to help but time isn't moving fast enough for me right now and I don't know how to handle it.