my "best/worst" friend died

Although for 21 years of marriage our lives were so full of ups and downs I dont know how to move forward now. My husband was a functional alcoholic but with that being said it did create issues within our marriage. He was however the best friend I ever had and he married me and helped me raise my 4 girls and man did he do a great job. He worked hard and worked until the 1st day of March 2012. Although we were currently living in separate households we spent most of our free time together. He was planning to take off for the florida trip on the 3rd on the motorcycle as I wasn't able to get off work this year. On the 2nd he legs were swollen and he asked me to call the doctor. You know he was the typical man, If i didn't call the doctor he wasn't going. Well I took him to the doctor on the 9th, his 53rd birthday and they put him straight in the hospital. On March 21st our fears were confirmed and he in fact had cancer. Treatments were planned, chemo 3 days and it went good but before we could start the next set of treatment he died. March 31st, 2012 I lost this wonderful pain in the ass man and I don't know what to do now. I have been going in "cruise control" to this point but the last few days has been awful. I can't sleep again, I can't eat, If I am by myself all I do is cry. I can't go through things that need to be gone through and the worse thing is I can't let me girls know how bad I really am. I read all the things that says its normal but I don't feel normal. I feel guilty for the time we wasted apart, I feel guilty for taking him to the doctor (even though I know it wouldn't of changed anything) I feel quilty that I didn't make him go sooner. but mostly I feel lost without him. Time is suppose to help but time isn't moving fast enough for me right now and I don't know how to handle it.

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Jul 20, 2012
my "best/worst" friend died
by: Doreen U.K.

Dear brokenhearted. I am sorry for your loss of your husband your best/worst friend. Life is never the same when you lose the best man you loved. This happened to me. STeve had a deadly cancer working with asbestos. Steve died 10 weeks ago. Life is so very painfull. I don't know how I can go on in life without him. the phone calls stop. The doorbell stops ringing. SILENCE. And the house is empty. It is as if the soul has gone out of the home. We were married 44yrs. Steve was 65yrs. and didn't get to enjoy his retirement. Life is not fair. Life is HELL. WE take one day at a time and even this one day at a time is difficult. I liked my life the way it was. Steve could have gone on to enjoy another 20 years as his parents lived to their late 80's Both his brothers are approaching this age. Now Steve's one and only sister is waiting for tests. The symptoms point to cancer. Life is so hard. One thing after another. I feel lost without Steve. Grief is a slow process. it is very painfull. I don't know how long it will last. I want Steve back. I don't like the lonliness. Guilt is part of the grief so is constant crying. this is the expression of grief. Just let it happen. even the guilt. It will soon evaporate. WE just have to find a new life now. You have 4 girls. You are fortunate you have them in your life. Build your life so that they are secure and you are able to have them in your life. Make the most of the days you have with each other as none of us know when this will end and we go through loss again. Live life from now on with less regrets. Remembering that regrets are also part of life. We all have them.

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