My Big brother took his own life two years ago.. its getting worse and worse.

by c
(uk)

Im 21 years old and on the 04/10/2011 my world took a turn for the worst. I was in work on my break and my sister in law came rushing in. As i looked i instantly knew something was wrong i said "not Dan (my bother) please not dan. At that point we dint know much only that his car was reported abandoned at a quarry. I cant even think of words to describe how i felt.
Daniel was 27 he was 9 years older than me. My father left the country when i was six even though i did still see him occasionally my brother brought me up. We were very very close. My sister is 10 years older were close to.they would always take me out when i was younger i was always with them he took me everywhere i was his little girl. He always protected me. He then had his own 3 boys the 1st when i was 11. I idolized Dan and the boys. i spent everyday at his house with them. If ever i argued with my mum id go up dans he was always there for me and i never felt scared sad or alone. Also he was the only person who understood the way i think as we thought exactly the same. And i was the only person who he could really relate to as i understood him whereas other people didn't.
Daniel had an alcohol problem and was also addicted to valium. He couldn't function without it,it was horrible to see. I knew Daniel was depressed but i didn't know how serious it was was. When he was 17 his best friend killed himself, he never got over that it haunted him, he blamed himself saying "he should of knew".
Anyway i found out my brother drove to the graveyard and then left there leaving behind his hat. Then drove to a quarry (a rock quarry no water) parked his car, wrote his suicide note.

This was 2 years and 4 months ago i miss him so much i feel so empty i feel as though there is no one in this planet who can relate or understand me like him. I cant get over what hes done how he killed himself and the pain he went through. My families falling apart my mothers seriously depressed as like my sister. I feel like we cant talk like everything is a competition. My mums drinking all the time. If i go to my mums it feels so dark and empty i hate going there. I cant face seeing his 3 boys their 3, 9,and 10 they miss him so much. I don't know what to do its getting worse and worse i sometimes blames myself as i should of helped more. I sometimes blame others and i know its no one else s fault. I constantly listen to his music and think about him. I feel like this can never get better.

Comments for My Big brother took his own life two years ago.. its getting worse and worse.

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Feb 18, 2014
My Big brother took his own life two years ago.. its getting worse and worse.
by: Doreen UK

C I am sorry for your loss of your brother. Your brother bonded with you and nurtured you and this is why his death has shocked you to your core and you can't cope with the loss of him.
I think it is now time for you to see CRUSE bereavement services for support. You may be stuck in grief and can't move forward without a little help.
my nephew was just like a son and at age 30yrs. he threw himself in front of an express train 8yrs. ago. Part of our grief is feeling guilty and looking for answers as to whose fault it is even blaming ourselves. This is such a common problem if grief. WE can even feel that whilst we are in this deep state of grief that we will never recover. But we do. It is such a slow healing process.
Your mother is using alcohol as a way of coping. Perhaps she could also do with bereavement support. You owe it to yourself to get the right support to help you cope. You are not responsible for your mother, even though you will be concerned for her welfare. She would have to agree to accept counselling. But you may be able to resolve difference with your mother if you get the support you need. Perhaps you will also be able to establish a relationship with your nephews and their mother to help you all get through life better. Grief is such a lonely road to travel but with time and good support you will all find yourselves in a happier frame of mind and at least be able to live with peace.

Feb 17, 2014
thank you
by: c

Hi,
Thank you both so much for your kind words,
and so sorry to hear the loss of your son.
its so nice to hear people say they understand. Really hope you both get through these hard times. Depression is the worst, it makes everyday feel dark and cold and others dont understand. I know daniel is in a better place now but that doesnt always help.thanks for understanding the pain.
My heart goes out to you loosing your son. I know how bad my mum is, sorry for your loss and i know your pain. It hurts all the time!
Your at angry stage? Me too i think but the stages change so quickly i cant keep track.
Thanks for advide The oldest child was having councelling
But he then refused to go. We had to tell him last month what really happened with his farther as he going to comp this year and we dont want him finding out by others. He wont show it but i know he's struggling. Thats alot to take in a 11 that your dad jumped of a cliff.
If you both ever need to talk ill be on here. Im praying for you all. Thank you.


Feb 17, 2014
Hi
by: Anonymous

Hi,
I'm so sorry for your loss.. God is with your family and in the midst of all this darkness. My heart breaks for this story. I suffer with depression . I feel for Dan's pain, it was less painful for him to go then be here... I understand him and I understand your pain too... I'm praying for you... healing will come but things will never be the same. Dan is free from pain now... still loving you guys and watching over you guys I'm sure :)
may God bless you

Feb 17, 2014
I know the pain
by: chism's mom

My son took his life when he was just 23. I understand your pain. I have no words of wisdom. There aren't any. I deal with each painful moment with a heavy heart. I'm at the angry stage at the so called grieving stages. The only thing I can tell you is to be the there for his kids. With the alcohol abuse you mentioned the kids may need counseling along with your entire family. If I had not reached out for others that have gone on through the same pain I wouldn't be here today.
My heart understands you're pain. I know that everyone says to seek GOD. I myself am a christian. But I'm so very angry at him. I'm told thats normal. But the surviors are never the same we just have to learn to live and function. The road we must travel is a very lonely and dark road. How ever we must do so.


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