My Big brother took his own life two years ago.. its getting worse and worse.
Im 21 years old and on the 04/10/2011 my world took a turn for the worst. I was in work on my break and my sister in law came rushing in. As i looked i instantly knew something was wrong i said "not Dan (my bother) please not dan. At that point we dint know much only that his car was reported abandoned at a quarry. I cant even think of words to describe how i felt.
Daniel was 27 he was 9 years older than me. My father left the country when i was six even though i did still see him occasionally my brother brought me up. We were very very close. My sister is 10 years older were close to.they would always take me out when i was younger i was always with them he took me everywhere i was his little girl. He always protected me. He then had his own 3 boys the 1st when i was 11. I idolized Dan and the boys. i spent everyday at his house with them. If ever i argued with my mum id go up dans he was always there for me and i never felt scared sad or alone. Also he was the only person who understood the way i think as we thought exactly the same. And i was the only person who he could really relate to as i understood him whereas other people didn't.
Daniel had an alcohol problem and was also addicted to valium. He couldn't function without it,it was horrible to see. I knew Daniel was depressed but i didn't know how serious it was was. When he was 17 his best friend killed himself, he never got over that it haunted him, he blamed himself saying "he should of knew".
Anyway i found out my brother drove to the graveyard and then left there leaving behind his hat. Then drove to a quarry (a rock quarry no water) parked his car, wrote his suicide note.
This was 2 years and 4 months ago i miss him so much i feel so empty i feel as though there is no one in this planet who can relate or understand me like him. I cant get over what hes done how he killed himself and the pain he went through. My families falling apart my mothers seriously depressed as like my sister. I feel like we cant talk like everything is a competition. My mums drinking all the time. If i go to my mums it feels so dark and empty i hate going there. I cant face seeing his 3 boys their 3, 9,and 10 they miss him so much. I don't know what to do its getting worse and worse i sometimes blames myself as i should of helped more. I sometimes blame others and i know its no one else s fault. I constantly listen to his music and think about him. I feel like this can never get better.