My Big Brother
(Baltimore, Maryland, US)
My 20 year old brother passed away in a motorcycle accident 2 years and 3 months ago and I am still trying to make it through each day without irrationally yelling at people or just breaking down crying. Some days are definitely easier than others. Within a month of his passing, my parents split up. My life is just so unrecognizably different. I was 18 when it happened and am now 21, older than he ever got. It feels so wrong that I get to be 21 and he was robbed of the rest of his life. He was such a happy person, had such great friends, was a great student, and was passionate about so many things. His name is Chuck. I feel crazy some days because I still don't want to believe he is gone. His memory impacts my life on a daily basis, but missing him and seeing my parents' sadness is just so painful. I am a more spiritual person since his passing, but life just seems so wrong still. Honestly, I miss him most on happy days because he doesn't get to share in the happiness and I can't see his reactions and hear his awesome insights on things. We were just starting to get closer- not fighting all the time- now it just feels like pages were ripped out of our books and now it hurts so much not being able to grown into this weird world of adulthood without him around. I can't talk to my parents about him much because we all are carrying our own grief differently. Plus my connection with him was so different from theirs. I know you can't compare griefs, but I know my parents' grief is so much greater than mine on some levels. One thing I know for sure is that I will never stop missing him and one day I will be okay with missing him. Right now, it is still just so difficult.