My Big Brother

by Rachel
(Baltimore, Maryland, US)

My 20 year old brother passed away in a motorcycle accident 2 years and 3 months ago and I am still trying to make it through each day without irrationally yelling at people or just breaking down crying. Some days are definitely easier than others. Within a month of his passing, my parents split up. My life is just so unrecognizably different. I was 18 when it happened and am now 21, older than he ever got. It feels so wrong that I get to be 21 and he was robbed of the rest of his life. He was such a happy person, had such great friends, was a great student, and was passionate about so many things. His name is Chuck. I feel crazy some days because I still don't want to believe he is gone. His memory impacts my life on a daily basis, but missing him and seeing my parents' sadness is just so painful. I am a more spiritual person since his passing, but life just seems so wrong still. Honestly, I miss him most on happy days because he doesn't get to share in the happiness and I can't see his reactions and hear his awesome insights on things. We were just starting to get closer- not fighting all the time- now it just feels like pages were ripped out of our books and now it hurts so much not being able to grown into this weird world of adulthood without him around. I can't talk to my parents about him much because we all are carrying our own grief differently. Plus my connection with him was so different from theirs. I know you can't compare griefs, but I know my parents' grief is so much greater than mine on some levels. One thing I know for sure is that I will never stop missing him and one day I will be okay with missing him. Right now, it is still just so difficult.

Comments for My Big Brother

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Mar 07, 2012
don't give up
by: rayolife

I lost my son, David, age 28, 3 1/2 years ago on July 25, 2008, also a motorcycle accident only 2 months after he had returned from fighting in Afghanistan for 15 months. His older brother Jay, age 33 at the time, and myself, single Mom, recently retired school teacher... are just now getting used to the idea that we will never have him in our lives again. I know how LONELY you must feel, especially with your parents splitting up. Death causes so many divorces! The loss of an immediate family member is like a volcano exploding! Everything is instantly changed forever. It will take a LONG time to heal. Find friends you can talk to, read grief recovery books, write your thoughts in a journal. Send short notes, texts, some kind of messages just to let your parents know that you love them, and think of them continually. Volunteer for an organization that your brother would appreciate. Support a cause that would bring honor to his memory. Hang on tight because it's a LONG, HARD journey!

Mar 05, 2012
stay strong
by: Anonymous

Rachel you have received words of wisdom, as a mother who also lost her son, I also give you the same message, nothing wrong with talking about your brother, do things to honor him by doing things together. I'm sure that will bring your family closer, crying an laughing together will make a difference, do not fear.

Mar 05, 2012
Stay Strong
by: Anonymous

Rachel, You need to take care of yourself and be strong. I know how hard it is I am going through the nightmare because I lost my son last year. You love Chuck so much and how he lived his life. You now need to heal and live your life in the light of Chuck. It will take time, so don't rush yourself, face the grief head on. In time hopefully you will have better moments and enjoy life again. Your parents need you to listen to them when they need to talk about Chuck. Believe me they need to hear his name and talk about his life. Chuck is still with you and your parents, take time to feel him near you. Take care of yourself.

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