My biggest fan

by jamie

My name is Jamie,
I am having a very difficult time right now. My husband of 15 years died 13 weeks ago today. He was 38 years old. We have two children 15 and 8 years old.
John was the best guy. We had a wonderful relationship for a very long time. He just loved me more then anything in the world.People used to say they were jealous of what we had together.
The last few years were a little more difficult. I had made alot of poor choices with our money and lied over and over again so he wouldnt be dissapointed in me.Even when he knew everything he still loved me.It still was rough at times.Our children were put through some bad days.
At the worst point in our struggels I made the most painful decsion to have another relationship out side of our marriage.I had found out that the guy I dated for over year before I met John was going through a divorce.He is the only other man that I ever loved.It was so hard for me because all these feelings came back and I didnt want it to end.When John found out he was just heart broken.I mean he never thought I would do that.He cried and begged for me to stay.I loved both of them.I had told my husband it had ended after about 2 months.Truth is it ended in April.He thought it ended in Nov.The other man Brian couldnt continue to see me because he knew I loved John too much to ever leave him,so he ended it.The months in between Oct and up until right before he died had many ups and downs.He was angry at me and he had ever to be.I let him down in so many ways.
He wanted to forgive and forget but its not that easy.On top of trying to rebult the strong relationship we had had,I was having a difficult time getting over Brian.He was always in my thoughts.Icant describe the connection but it was very strong.Once I realized that it was really over I tried very hard to make it good at home.Not that I didnt before but I kept telling myself that we could be as great as we were before.Again we had alot of amazing days and we were doing for as a family again and it was getting good again.
The day before his accident I know in myheart that we found peace again in us relationship.I have saved the last text messages we shared the day before it happened.I told him much I love him and how proud of him I was and I wanted us be best friends again and wanted him to feel good.He told me that was it the past is over and wanted the same and thats all need to hear.It was over we were going to to spend the rest of our lives making it to each other and just being happy to raise our family.We had made love that night and it was amazing.I rubbed his back to sleep that night.That is last time I saw touch heard or showed him how much he meant to me.
I woke up late that Sunday morning to find a note in the kitchen that he had soon fishing with his brother and he would be home before lunch.I went to laundry mate and I turned around and my brotyher in law was standing in front of me.I had left the kids at home my daughter was still sleeping when I left so my son watched soon as I saw him I knew something happened to John.I was told he had drowned thatmorning.My first thought was why didnt you help him Carl?He said Jamnie I didnt know he was going.John worked for carl and he knew tht Carl was fishing the day before and would be ther agin that morning .He had not been at the spot John was at and had no idea Johnwas there.
He found out when police and rescue divers arrived that someone had drowned.He went to leave and saw Johns car.Cael was there when they pul;led hi out of the water.He had to identify his body.He had to tell their parents (they are the only 2 kids)He then came to tell me.My son told him where I was nut Carl didnt say anything to the kids.
He found me.I was is a horrible nightmare and wanted to wake up.I had to tell our children that there daddy died.I cantt describe how I was feeling.I still cant.We dont know how or exactly what happened.

Why had we worked so hard to get back to that place in our relationship for it to be taken away from us right aaway?I know that John was happy and knew I loved him that morning but I will never see him again in this life .Greif is like torture.
I think god is punishing me for the things I had done.,but why take jogn.He never did anything to hurt anyone.I feel so much gult and regret ist is alomost to much to take.
A few days later I received a phone call from Brian.He wanted to tell me how sorry he was and if he could do anything to help he wasz there.I think he has been my savior.I still loved him but I was never going to leave my husband who cherished me.
I have been seeing him since.My children have met and like him.I never wanted to be with him like this.I would give anything to have John back.My kids have been robbed of their father andpart of their child hood.I was going toshow John every day that was my world and show him how special he is to me.Now I can not do that.
I pray to god to forgive me and tell John how much I miss him and love him.I am not the same person.My life is somethiong I dont know now.I think my guilt and greif is going to kill me.

Comments for My biggest fan

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Oct 18, 2011
by: Tina in Chicago

I know that God can help you. I hope that you ask him. Good Luck

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