My Blue Eyed Angel

by Marcie
(Jeffersonville, IN)

I feel like I have been in a nightmare since February 18, 2013. I got a call that my 24 yr old son Tommy was being taken to the hospital. I knew in my heart the second I heard the women s voice I wasn't going to have a son he wasn't ever coming home with us again. I just knew. I wasn't told anything other then they were doing CPR now and they didn't know nothing else. I hung up and sat my husband down and told him what my belief was. It was like I was getting us both prepare what I feared most.
We got to the hospital and found out that he had been left lying OD on someone's living room floor anywhere from 24-36 hours before anyone even did CPR or even called 911. He was removed from life support by the hospital on February 21st at 1:25pm he was gone with in a few seconds everything stopped. I swear it felt like my very own heart was going to stop with his.
I have had so much pain and rage how anyone could let anyone die like that I just don't understand that at all. And it will never make any sense to this mother. That is for sure. What gets me is these two women he was with acted like it was no big deal someone lied in the same spot for that long of time. And was upset when I had them removed from the hospital. I mean really? And not one month later she the girlfriend that let him lie on the floor of her living room for that long, she puts a post one day short of a month that she has meant the love of her life and soul mate!!! I about lost my mind. I don't understand people like this I just can't!!!
And this sure has seem to bring out the worst in the entire family, I mean everyone is acting their very worst which I don't quite get. I'm the mother my husband is the Dad and everyone wants to act a fool and make our life even worst. I don't understand this part at all. Now of all times I don't need people messing with either of us.
Well my other son and us have never gotten along this well, He has been at his best but there is no way of him being here in town with us. He calls and writes as much as possible. I have only seen him once. So it is great he isn't acting like the rest seem to be all losing their minds. Is this normal or what? I feel most sorry for my baby sister she is trying her best to be strong for me and my hubby and everything is falling on her. I'm trying my best to get on with life. But I don't know how to go on without my baby. And yes he was 24 but he was my baby. My strength for the last 10 yrs. I got hurt and he took great care of his old crippled up Mom and I just don't know what my life is without him. Does any of this make sense to you all?
Maybe just getting my feelings out might help, I hoping anyway. Thanks for listening.

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May 12, 2013
My Blue Eyed Angel Tommy
by: Marcie

Pat thank you for all your kind words and understanding. I have found this to be the hardest path I have ever had to walk that is for sure.
When all this happened I was in so much shock that I was able to walk thru things I never dreamed I would be able to do.
I have had one of the roughest days today being Mother's Day. I have none of my babies here with me today. I was able to talk to my only living child on the phone today but it's just not the same as being able to hug the one you gave birth too. And to come to the hard fact that I will never ever again be able to hug my Tommy no matter what day it is.
I have always know my family was what we call CRAZY. But man we always seem to hold the crazy in the right time and place. But like my baby sister said you was the one that made them all act somewhat sane LOL she is right on that one. Saddest part about being the oldest girl of so so many is that they all look to me like hold it together no crying let us know we will get thru this now, You need to do that. I was told this when our father died and I was just 12. And truth be told I allowed them to keep me in this roll for almost 5 decades so a lot of it is my fault too. But the cold hard facts I don't have it in me to hold it together for anyone, I don't know if it's going to be all right not today I don't. The best I can do most days is make myself eat something and try to do what it takes to make it the next 30 mins. Does anyone understand this?
I was told yesterday I might want to learn to let go and let God!!! And that let me know for the first time that person doesn't have a clue that God is the one sure thing that has me putting my next foot in front of the other, I haven't done nothing stupid or insane because I am making sure there is no reason for me to one day join my sweet two babies in the afterlife!! And I lost a daughter born before her time 30 years ago too. So I will keep working on doing the next right thing. But I can't get thrown into situations I'm just not ready for yet. Now matter how strong they all thought there sister was. Thanks for just listening to this heartbroken insane Momma on Mother's Day. Thanks so much. More then you know

May 05, 2013
Dear Marcie,
by: Pat in Missouri

I am sooo very sorry for your loss. I am with you all the way, when you say you do not understand how people could just leave your son laying on the floor for so long and not doing anything to help him. The only thing that makes any sense, at all, is if they were all using drugs, lost track of time, and didn't care. I am only guessing this, as you said your son OD'ed. I guess that means overdosed. Was he with other people who were also doing drugs? Could someone else have given your son the drugs that led to an overdose? Have the police investigated? I would think that neglecting a man, who was not responding for over a day, could lead to criminal charges.

As for your loss, I think some counseling or a grief support group might help. Your feelings are raw and you are still in a state of shock. You should not try to handle this alone. You need support. It sounds like your family is only making it worse. They probably do not know how to handle their loss either, but if they are being rude or insensitive, I think you have every right to tell them to stay away. You need peace, comfort, and empathy. Anymore chaos from other people will only add to your pain. Tell them to stay away until they can be understanding and decent.

I hope that the police will get to the bottom of what happened. Not really knowing for sure would be awful for you too. You have to take care of yourself. Reach out for that. Perhaps, you and your husband could attend a support group together. I did this, myself, when I lost my brother, father, and fiance' all in 5 months in 2011. I found it very helpful to meet with other people who were also going through loss. Everybody was very supportive and accepting. Look for grief support groups in churches, hospice agencies, or hospitals. They are free and open to the public. I also found this website that supports mothers who have lost children to overdoses. I'm sure it would help to connect with other mothers going through the same thing.
I know Mother's Day will be difficult for you. Take time for yourself. Do special things in memory of your son. You might start a scrapbook of pictures and items that were special to him. I did that when my mother passed. I still enjoy looking at her smile and the fun things we did together.

You may also seek help from a Compassionate Friends chapter in your area. This is a group whose members are all parents whose children
have died. You can check out their locator website here.

Please take care of yourself. That is not a selfish thing at all. You need it. Let me know how you are doing. Pat

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