my boys bill and derek

In Less than 18 months I lost my gaurdian angel he was my oldest son Bill. He was 32 born march 16 1977 he died on novenber 22 2009. On May 9 2011 I lost one of my twins derek. Born jan.31 1984 he was 27. Their stories entertwine so i am going tell the events of the past 18 months. First we live in a small town situated on the illinoise river and the I&M canal. Both of them loved this town, And for me fishing on either river or canal with ny boys is my top thing to do. Both of them had issues with alcohol, Bill was alcoholic and i wanted more than anything for him to be sober. Bill rode around on his bike. physically he was 32 mentally he was 16. He was part of downtown everyone knew him. He loved to go downtown in the morning and have a cup of coffee at a bakery. Was well known for helping in local bar. If i needed something if he couldn't he would direct me to someone who could. He was my protector and the one i knew without a doubt loved me. He lived on the east side of the main road running through town. He crossed that road probably at lesst twice a day for the past five years. On Nov, 22 2009 at 530 pm he was crossing the road. He come out of a one way street that was an east bound one way. He was hit by a half ton pickup that was southbound. Bill had just about made it accross the street its a fourlane road and bill was in the far west lane within four feet of being across the street. I was out of town when i got the call he had been hit and i needed to come to the hospital. Derek lived here in town so i called him to go to the hospital. I was 10 min away when the dr called he needed my permission to open his chest and massage his heart in hopes of saving him. Derek met at the door of the Er and took me back and i walked in to see bill on a stretcher with the doctor up to his elbow in my sons chest, He looked like he was sleeping. No blood he had a little scrape on his head but no bruising or bleeding. derek was there along with my sister and a nephew. I kissed him told him i loved him and had the doctor stop. He had a torn aorta in his heart. I think this is where derek started actually maturing. He had alot on his plate last year too He had a dui than a ticket for driving on a revoked, He got 240 hours of community service for that one. He had a new baby a new apt and losing his big brother was hard to. Bill died befor he got to meed his new nephew. together we planned bills service. we did a four hour visitation and cremated him, i got his ashes in my livingroom. Last year was terrible missed bill so much. He is everywhere i go in town, He loved to fish and spent alot of time at the river. He never left me without a hug and a "I love you mommy" i felt like i lost my family last year. Derek was doing his community service with dept. of natural resources(parks) He really liked it. He was half through it. He was on layoff from his job. Brenden was his pride and joy easter derek and i took brenden to an easter egg hunt. Monday after mothers day he was doing his community service. He was in a state park by the river. Huge parking lot with lots of boat trailor parking. around this huge lot is wooden blocks to keep people from driving on the grass. this parking lot has the river on the south side and canal and towpath on the the north. they were on the nothside westend of the park getting ready to replace a woodedn block, they had a one ton chev.flatbed work truck parked facing east and a tractor with a bucket on it facing north it was in front of the block they were going to replace. It was not quite noon they elevated the bucket high enough to sit and dangle their legs over. i am assuming they were taking a break befor they did whatever it was. The speed limit through the park is 10 miles an hout and it is posted. they say there was only about four cars in the lot and its a pretty wide open lot but they were off to the side and a kid in a 99 olds came out of nowhere and hit the tractor on the west side, Derek was on the west side with two others sitting on his right. He took the impact all 3 were ejected off the bucket the car hit so hard it stopped with the front end under the flatbed derek came down between the car and the truck as it was going under the truck and was crushed. the other two were taken to the hosp one was airlifted don't know if he lived or not. the impact pushed the tractor from facing north to facing east. Thursday it will be 30 days, I am overwhelmed with all of it. just starting grief counseling. I am exhausted having a really hard time processing thoughts. No one seems to understand how i feel and i can't put it into words. I was a single parent who raised four kids. My family was everything to me, Now i have lost both half my family and my mind along with them. Derek had a twin. He was close to both of them and is taking this really hard. Greiving a child is terrible two is even worse and watching my surviving twin greive and not being able to take his pain away totally devestates me. I had a friend who suggested i find a online support group. thank you for letting me share my story. to bill and derek in heaven i love you and miss you more than life

Comments for my boys bill and derek

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Aug 03, 2011
Lost Mom
by: Anonymous

Im sorry to hear of your lose. I know nothing any one tells you, will help. I know because I had a son that died Dec.27 2008. My only son. July 15,2010 my only daughter died. My son was 34, my daughter was 37. I lost part of me when they died. I can never get back. Some days I go about my daily life in a blur, then some days all I do is cry ,not all day just off and on. I guess it will be that way for the rest of my life.

Jun 24, 2011
our angels
by: jules

I am so sorry for the loss of your two sons I cannot even imagine what you are going through, I lost my dearest daughter in nov 2010 and am left struggling in deep water with no life jacket, its good you are seeing some one to help you!!!! after years of putting children first its real hard for us to take help from people, but of course you are going to be bereft who wouldnt be, I have given my self a break as to when or if I get better I am doing it a day at a time thats all I can manage I talk to her all the time and keep a diary daily to jot down little things to tell her Bill and Derek are always with you and always will be so contrite but so very true take it an hour at a time I so wish you and your other children well hold on to each other they say that people who survive a childs passing are lifes great survivors, why it happens I dont have that answer but when in hell keep going, kindest regards jules

Jun 10, 2011
Condolences
by: Anonymous

I am sorry for your loss. There are no words that can do anything for your pain or for your twin's pain. As hard as it has to be to lose two children so close to each other in time, take some relief that they are not alone and have each other. Take good care of yourself. There are still people here who need you. Although it isn't going to happen today or even tomorrow, someday you will smile again. You need to smile again not only for yourself, for your surviving twin but also for the two children you have lost, they would want that from you.

Jun 09, 2011
grief
by: Anonymous

I'm speechless at your loss. I lost my 23 year old son ten months ago today to leukemia. One of the things that has helped is The Compassionate Friends group. I go once a month and share my grief with other parents. It has saved my life. Keep posting here. You are right....no one but you and the other parents who have lost a child can understand what a catastrophic loss this is. Hugs to you.

Jun 09, 2011
Mum of Bill and derek
by: Kay

Firstly I will say you have been through so much,losing a child is so very hard and you have lost two of your precious sons we suffer an overwhelming pain.I send to you all my love and healing.No matter how old our children are it is still the worst pain a mother can endure.Just know you are not alone ..myself and many more grieving beautiful people are hear to listen ,share and console you.I lost my beautiful son Dean last year he was 23.There have been many times I thought I had lost my mind....I still feel that way.Love and hugs xxx You are in my thoughts xxx

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