My break up
by Julie
For 4 months we did this online until one day we decided to meet for coffee....and in person it was all as comfortable as it was online...we always agreed to base our relationship on honesty and trust. We started meeting once a week and then twice....until it was every day, other than weekends, as he spent them playing happy families...we spoke on the phone every day and shared countless emails....so contact was constant. Until one morning when he rang me and asked me for some reassurance about where we were heading...I told him I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my days with him, to which he replied great, because he'd told his wife he was leaving, but needed to be sure. I was so happy...ecstatically...we spoke on the Saturday; he had no regrets, he had told her about me...she hit him but that was to be expected, as she was abusive....he told his oldest daughter who coped...he told his son who punched furniture and a hole in the wall but hours later said he understood why, as his mum was hard to live with...he told his youngest daughter who punched him as well....he even for the first time told me he loved me...he couldn't tell me before as his commitment to his wife was stronger....not that he loved her...he fell out of love with her years ago....he would always love her for their lives together, but wasn't in love with her. But he did all the hard work and told everyone. But then his wife pleaded with him...she would change....she couldn't live without him....she loved him...and he started to melt...he owed it to her and their marriage to try again...so he rings me Sunday to say he's sorry for hurting me...but he has to work things out. He can have no more contact with me...he has to give her the time to prove herself...but where does this leave me...I can't plead my case...I can't ask for support...I can't even contact him because I'm not allowed. So I have to support myself and second guess myself....but it makes my pain no less...I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying...the nausea is overwhelming and so is my sense of loss..my husband died 9 years ago and I don't remember feeling this bad then. I know when we started our friendship he was married. I knew there was every chance I would get hurt...but I didn't ask him to tell her about us....we should have spoken about this first...I could have helped him...I could have supported him...he made the choice to tell her, for whatever reason...again I'm not privy to even that reason...he has turned my life upside down and my childrens without even giving me the right to choose...and I can't even vent my rage at him because I can't contact him. How do you find closure when you don't have the opportunity...I think he's weak and scared but we could have handled this together....I don't know but maybe he has done this before and tried to break away and can't...I can't ask him. So where do I go and what do I do?
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