My break up

by Julie
(Australia)

I met a wonderful man who was in a marriage, but a very abusive marriage....we started as friends...support for each other...me giving him support with his marriage and he giving me everyday support with my life and kids.

For 4 months we did this online until one day we decided to meet for coffee....and in person it was all as comfortable as it was online...we always agreed to base our relationship on honesty and trust.

We started meeting once a week and then twice....until it was every day, other than weekends, as he spent them playing happy families...we spoke on the phone every day and shared countless emails....so contact was constant.

Until one morning when he rang me and asked me for some reassurance about where we were heading...I told him I loved him and wanted to spend the rest of my days with him, to which he replied great, because he'd told his wife he was leaving, but needed to be sure.

I was so happy...ecstatically...we spoke on the Saturday; he had no regrets, he had told her about me...she hit him but that was to be expected, as she was abusive....he told his oldest daughter who coped...he told his son who punched furniture and a hole in the wall but hours later said he understood why, as his mum was hard to live with...he told his youngest daughter who punched him as well....he even for the first time told me he loved me...he couldn't tell me before as his commitment to his wife was stronger....not that he loved her...he fell out of love with her years ago....he would always love her for their lives together, but wasn't in love with her.

But he did all the hard work and told everyone. But then his wife pleaded with him...she would change....she couldn't live without him....she loved him...and he started to melt...he owed it to her and their marriage to try again...so he rings me Sunday to say he's sorry for hurting me...but he has to work things out.

He can have no more contact with me...he has to give her the time to prove herself...but where does this leave me...I can't plead my case...I can't ask for support...I can't even contact him because I'm not allowed.

So I have to support myself and second guess myself....but it makes my pain no less...I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying...the nausea is overwhelming and so is my sense of loss..my husband died 9 years ago and I don't remember feeling this bad then.

I know when we started our friendship he was married. I knew there was every chance I would get hurt...but I didn't ask him to tell her about us....we should have spoken about this first...I could have helped him...I could have supported him...he made the choice to tell her, for whatever reason...again I'm not privy to even that reason...he has turned my life upside down and my childrens without even giving me the right to choose...and I can't even vent my rage at him because I can't contact him.

How do you find closure when you don't have the opportunity...I think he's weak and scared but we could have handled this together....I don't know but maybe he has done this before and tried to break away and can't...I can't ask him.

So where do I go and what do I do?

Comments for My break up

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May 23, 2010
A place to get answers...
by: Anonymous

Julie,

Go to these websites, where you can get support from women in the same situation, as well as read tons of similar stories & how everyone else is coping:

http://www.helium.com/items/1251688-the-other-woman

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/The-Other-Woman/1042315

http://www.helium.com/items/883712-being-the-other-woman

http://www.helium.com/items/1251688-the-other-woman

http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-The-Other-Woman/492146

May 23, 2010
A website to help you
by: Anonymous

Try these - you'll see many more experiences like yours, and you can get support there:

--- http://www.experienceproject.com/stories/Am-The-Other-Woman/492146

--- http://www.helium.com/items/883712-being-the-other-woman

Feb 24, 2010
Julie
by: Deb

Hi Julie. I totally feel for you. I also very recently went through a break up and experiencing the sleepless nights. I can't eat. I just feel physically ill. It must be awful not being able to express yourself to him, but maybe not. My EX wants to offer me sympathy, which may be even worse. I hope you're feeling better soon. My heart goes out to you.

Feb 03, 2010
TRUE ANGEL IS WAITING
by: Anonymous

Julie, unfortunately every affair with a married man will end in the same way. I had an affair with a married man for over 12 months, and yes, I got the same things said to me, he loved me, he wanted to be with me but just couldn't leave his kids; he didn't love his wife blah blah blah.

They get to have their cake and eat it too! Don't fall into the same trap again. Do not give him the time of day Julie, you are worth more than that, you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect. Be strong Julie and move on, your true angel is out there waiting to glide on in. Take care.

Feb 01, 2010
Pain
by: Anonymous

I'm so very sorry that you're hurting so much tonight. Sounds to me as if he is married to someone who is not only abusive but also manipulative. We don't know the inner actions of their marriage, but I think you may be on to something by saying he may have done this before.

I know that you knew he was married and I don't have an answer for that. Maybe a stronger filter when you meet people? I don't know......

I wish I could tell you how to find closure and tell you how long this horrible pain and longing will last, but I can't. I'm glad to post here and listen to you. Pat

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