My Broken Heart
by Nancy Everhart
(St. Petersburg, FL USA)
It was a regular work day and I was preparing myself to go to work that evening. Allen and I sat at the computer and reminisced with laughter and fond memories of our trips to Spain, France, Italy, South Africa and Hawaii. He took the time to look at all my family pictures of me as an infant and young child as well as my mother. I couldn't remember feeling closer or happier than at those few hours before I left for work. He left before I did because he had some work to do on a rental house. I pleaded with him to please be careful and not overdo it, as he had been sick and long ago promised he wouldn't do roof work anymore. He promised and we kissed goodbye. As I drove to my job and throughout the rest of the evening I felt so happy. I had enjoyed such an intimate few hours with Allen, just he and I and I knew the magnitude of our love for each other and our friends and family. As the evening drew to a close and it was time for me to go home I was so looking forward to being home with my Allen. As I pulled into the driveway things were a bit out of order. His lawnmower was in front of the garage where I pull in... what could he be thinking, he knows I park in the garage. Slightly annoyed I get out and move the lawn mower and continue to park in the garage. As usual, I enter the house calling his name. Honeyyyyyyyy, I'm home. Things were not right. All the lights were on and the TV in the kitchen was on..where was he and what was happening? As I began to search the house calling his name panic began to set in. All of his vehicles were here, but I could not find him. I began searching the outdoors; perhaps he had fallen or was busy doing something outside. I checked the pool, the sideyard and all around, all the while calling frantically for him. My dog, Calvin was acting very strange doing a yelping sort of bark. Unsure what that meant I scolded myself for being so paranoid and began to put on my night clothes telling myself it was all okay that he may have just stepped out with a friend or neighbor for a minute. My dog would have none of that. He began scratching on the sliding glass doors to get out. I let him out and made the rounds again, looking for my sweet Allen.
Suddenly I realized Calvin was staring into the pool yelping like crazy and suddenly I saw what looked like a shadow at the bottom of the deep end of the pool. My brain couldn't process that and I began screaming for Allen...OH MY GOD, please Allen where are you. Looking back into the pool I realized it was Allen lying at the bottom of the deep end, not moving, face down. This could not be real, how could this possibly be happening. I quickly dialed 911 and threw on my clothes. While speaking to the operator I have no idea what I said only help help he is at the bottom of the pool. I dove in and tried to get to him, I had no breath and could not reach him, I was hyperventilating myself. I was crying and screaming as the operator tried to calm me down I dropped the phone and attempted to get Allen a second time to no avail. Finally on my third try I made it to the bottom and grabbed him and pulled his head above the water and tried to swim to the shallow end holding his head above the water. He was so heavy and I knew at that moment he was gone. I managed to get him to the steps with him sitting on top of me as I held his head above the water screaming HELPPPPPP the paramedics arrived and they quickly shuffled me out of the pool area and began working on Allen. Wet, cold and out of my mind I sat in the kitchen chair as deputies wrapped blankets around me. This could not be happening, this could not be real. Oh my God, please NO !
Allen was only 59 years old. We had been together for 17 years, I could not even imagine not having him with me in this life to live and enjoy. My heart broke into a thousand pieces that night and though it's been almost 7 months, there is not a single moment that goes by that I don't miss Allen and hurt a pain that is excruicating inside of me. The first month is sort of a blur, with only memories of family and friends gathering around and trying to be supportive and comforting, and they were, but nothing absolutely nothing has stopped my heart and soul from aching. I still have the majority of his clothing and belongings in my room. I can't bear to touch them or move them, it hurts each time I let go of something else that he treasured. There is so much, and I don't know how to handle it or where to begin. I'm so afraid and alone, although I do go to therapy and have great friends, the pain is so intense and severe and I have cried more tears than I ever even imagined possible.
Knowing that it will lessen someday helps but it's hard to believe that I will ever function again normally. I am totally changed, I am different and I'm afraid I will never be back to my carefree, funny happy self. I feel so stuck and so alone and all I want more than anything in the world is to have Allen back. That will never happen and so I am lost in the pain and the fear and the uncertainty of the future. Hoping that writing this will somehow help, as the tears flow down my cheeks I'm not even phased as this has become my new "normal". I pray to God that someday I feel happy again. Thank you for letting me post this and unloading all this.