My brother and best friend Bill

by Sherrill
(Warwick, RI USA)

My brother Bill passed away in 2005. I loved him very much. When he died, he was 45, I was 36. He had helped me through a very bad depression and I was very sad, could do hardly anything for myself. Turns out, he had emphysema and cirrois of liver. I thought he was just depressed laying in bed for a couple weeks, he never complained of any pain. It was two weeks before Christmas and I had been going to church, I came home and got his prescription for him. Told him I loved him and said I was praying for him. He asked me if I wanted to sit with him awhile, I told him no I was tired, and wanted to go to bed. I held his hand. The next day, I went to his room and he was gone. His hands were on his lap clasped in prayer.

That man did everything he could to make my life easier. I tried to help him too. We lived together most of our lives. My mom had passed away so we lived in the house. It has been almost nine years and I can't get over it. I am on disability for depression and I am getting worse. My family is mostly all deceased and the ones still alive don't care. I drink every single day, don't cook, clean or care for myself in any way. I take pleasure in nothing, can't hold a job or even shower more than every few days. I want to sleep and never wake up, but yet barely sleep at all. My mind races constantly like I have had ten cups of coffee. I don't even get drowsy, you know that feeling of drifting off, don't get it. I am 140 pounds overweight, and poor too. I barely speak and have no friends anymore.

I need help!!!

Comments for My brother and best friend Bill

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Sep 01, 2014
My brother and best friend Bill
by: Doreen UK

Oh Sherrill how my heart breaks for you. I wish I lived close to you so I could offer you personal support. Often we just need someone who cares almost like a lift up which makes all the difference to help you get your life back on track. I remember being just like you and did not want to live. I saw no point at all. I was fortunate to get help in time via a psychologist / counsellor who worked with me and my depression of 40yrs. Within 4 years my whole life changed for the better. That was the most painful therapy ever. But at least it ended 40yrs. of depression. I related better and life had meaning for the first time. Often depression needs professional intervention if one is going to see their world better. When you are locked into this cycle of depression and can see no way out I can understand how you feel. I was such a person. I leaned on God more for my support and to send the right people my way. WE can only help ourselves so much and then we have to reach out for professional support. I got my life back, but lost my husband of 44yrs. to cancer 2yrs. ago. Now I am suffering such bad ill health I am back down to feeling hopeless. But I have to fight to live another day. Can't give up. I was doing so well. On the treadmill. Losing weight. Feeling good. Now so breathless I am unable to do normal duties. Now diagnosed with damaged lungs. COPD. But I still have to fight this. I can't give up. I hope that you will have someone come and support you and give you a chance to find life worth living. I am sorry for your loss of your brother (same age as my son). Lean harder on God. He is all we have. Try and get Social Services support for yourself and ask God to give you the Will to Live. I know where you are at and how you feel. I wish I could do more than just write this post. God be with you and give you his Comfort Peace and someone to help lift you out of this pit of misery.

Aug 30, 2014
My brother and best friend Bill
by: Jane

Dear Sherrill, Your words sounded like you are somehow punishing your self. It is not your fault, that your brother died, while you were to tired to take place on his bed. His time on earth was over, no one could known that. So don´´t feel so much guilty. this is making you realy sick, more than the grieving it´´s self. If you want to make your brother happy, try to start a new life, but slowly, day by day. Maybe you say, tomorrow I am taking a bath. And try to enjoy this bath, enjoy the smell of the water and relaxes. Your brother will be so proud of you than you going to live now your own life. He will be still in your heart. He loves you so much, and he wants that you begin now your new life. Maybe for the next day you planing to make your self a good salat. While grieving, we do need much healthy food, because grieving costed so much power. Next day you might planing to go for a 2o Minute walk and think your brother is watching you all the time. Then he sees you walking in the sunshine, you going to make him happy. There he is now, just next door, only the love counts and nothing else. And please Sherrill, please forgive your self.God loves you and is holding his arms open for you. Just let your self fall into his open shining arms. Forgive yourself, because God has forgiven you, because there is nothing to forgive. There is only love. Neverending love. And this love will bring you together with your brother one day. But til that time, try to go day by day and planing little steps to go forward. Don´´t punish your self anymore. You have such a good heart and in this heart there is a voice who cries, "I want to live again." This Little voice let you write your words on this side. I am so proud of you. That is a beginning. That was the first step in your new life. I will pray for you Sherrill. Maybe you can pray for me too, because my best friend has died yesterday. Much love jane.

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