My brother & my best friend are dead

by Steve
(Los Angeles)

Can't believe this website exists; however, it's comforting that I'm not the only one fighting.

This past week, my life long best friend killed himself on January 13th by suffocation. We knew each other for 18 years, grew up in the same neighborhood, went to school together; the whole nine yards. I saw him on Saturday, January 11 for the last time at a breakfast we planned. I flew back to school in Los Angeles on the 11th after our breakfast. I told him I would call him everyday the following week to make sure he had a therapy appointment scheduled as I knew something was wrong. I was wrong how bad it was.

July 8th, 2012 was another awful day. My younger brother, my only sibling, died in a rock climbing accident. He fell a total of 200 feet. The fall happened in two stages - he hit a ledge after falling about 30-40 feet and was more than likely rendered unconscious, but his friends said they could hear him gasping for air. Not realizing how close he was to the edge of an even more sheer cliff, he rolled his body off the remainder of the way down and was killed instantly at that point.

I'm trying to keep positive, but my friend's suicide has ripped open old wounds. I want to quit what I'm doing and just move to the woods alone. Reclusive thoughts aside, I also want to achieve something of this existence. To show it who's boss. I just don't know how exactly I'll execute that plan, yet...

Thanks.

Comments for My brother & my best friend are dead

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Jan 24, 2014
My brother & my best friend are dead
by: Doreen UK

Steve I am sorry for your loss of your Brother and best friend to sudden deaths. This is such a tragedy and hard to recover from. My nephew was 30yrs. and with on going depression was put on prescription drugs that had side effects of suicidal tendencies and 8yrs. ago He threw himself in front of an express train. My sister was in pieces and had to have a counsellor go to her home and pick up the pieces of a broken person unable to go on. Our family were broken for a long time. 8yrs. on my sister is supporting other's in grief through her loss. She is Healing and in a much happier place. I know what it feels like to not want to live. I was from a child unhappy and depressed and lived like a recluse from 12yrs. of age. I was fortunate to meet a man who became my husband for 44yrs. but who lost his life to a deadly cancer 20 months ago. His name was Steve and he was a carpenter who cut asbestos and gave him the worst cancer ever. In my 40's I was fortunate to meet an excellent psychologist/counsellor. A painful, expensive therapy. But the best investment I made to experience Life and Healing for the first time that made life worth living. My heart breaks for every person going through the misery of depression. I have a mission to support them.
Steve you need time out to process your grief and loss of 2 special people from your life. Don't isolate yourself. It will make your grief harder. You need loving supportive people around you and who will let you be yourself. Crying is the largest part of grief, so don't hold back crying when it comes. Each time you will be healing. Grief feels as if it will last forever. As if we will never recover and feel broken forever. But with time Healing comes. You will find ways to HONOUR these two special people who contributed to your life and you to theirs. In time you will be able to get your life back and know how to move forward. If you find yourself struggling, please see a counsellor for support. You will feel better in time. But whilst going through this type of loss it is the worst experience ever to go through. Taking care of yourself is so important. Nurturing yourself will also help your grief. May God comfort you with his Peace.

Jan 23, 2014
Your brother and friend
by: Jolynn

I am so terribly sorry for the loss of your dear brother and longtime friend to such sudden and tragic deaths. When death comes to us that way we go into shock and denial. I lost my 26 yr old son who was an officer in the Marines training to be a fighter pilot suddenly 1 year ago. It broke my heart but the first few months were occupied with people writing, visiting, the memorial service(they played taps and shot rifles and presented me with a flag which was gut wrenching).People do not understand the depth of our sorrow. We write thank you notes and put on controlled faces but we are crippled within. Many nights I curled up on the bed shaking, crying and hurting physically from the raw grief. I had terrible anxiety as the death of my son made my world sad and unsafe. I worried about my other two children and my husband as he could not and will not talk about our son and if he does he cries. He turns away from me if I cry. My world has been turned inside out and so has yours. Time does ease some of the anguish but you will always be struck out of the blue by sudden grief attacks. That is because your depth of grief reflects the depth of love you had for them. Do not feel guilty about not knowing the magnitude of depression and pain your friend had. They keep secrets and often seem in better spirits before they commit suicide as they finally see a way out of their pain. And pain there was in your friend's mind. Terrible unremitting agony that he could see no way out of except death. I know this because I attempted suicide when I was 14 yrs old. My family life was so painful that I did not envision any future and just did not want to suffer anymore. I swallowed an entire bottle of prescription muscle relaxants but my mom found me and I was taken to ER where they pumped my stomach. I turned my life around and have had a wonderful life with a good husband and 3 kids but tragedy came calling me again with the death of my son. Your brother's death is so painful to think of because you are wondering if he suffered and how much. Sudden deaths are so painful. I saw a grief counselor for a while and attended a grief group. Both were kind of helpful. Mostly what was helpful was the push I made myself not isolating which I wanted to do. I forced myself to take walks with friends, see movies, go to lunches and just rejoin the world. Don't listen to well meaning people who say insensitive and stupid things. I wish you peace. The journey of grief is a long one. I am so sorry.

Jan 23, 2014
steve
by: dianne

I am so sorry for your loss I found this site July last year I lost my son who was 21 it was sudden and like you Steve I had a feeling but wasn't sure so I asked friends keep an eye on him as he had been threw a lot the past two previous months whether instincts or not you been threw so much with loss of sure brother then your best friend and my thoughts are with you I try to stay strong and know my son wouldn't want me to feel sad for always we just have to keep our good times we shared with them and hold the love we have in our hearts I know some days are a little better than other days but take each day as it comes one day at a time my thoughts are with you Steve take care and all the best for the future x

Jan 23, 2014
So Sorry Steve!
by: MARTHA

Steve you have had 2 such severe losses at an apparently young age. I just lost my 35-year-old son to suicide in June of 2013. Suicide is the worst because you feel guilty and think there is something you could have done. Don't beat yourself up. People who take their lives believe that there is no other way to get out of the pain they are in...please think about it and consider if you going to live by yourself somewhere would be harmful to your family and those who love you, especially as your younger sibling died so tragically. I have another son and I live in constant fear that something will happen to him; this is from a parent's point of view; please reach out whenever you need to talk....HUGS!

Jan 23, 2014
your brother and your friend
by: Anonymous

I have a son who lost his only brother (my son). Its so sad that you have to go through life without your brother and your friend. It was tragic the way they died. I know life can seem meaningless, but at your young age, I hope you can find something that gives it meaning. My survivng son threw himself into working on an old house to help his grief. And I've heard that physical exertion or activity helps. Or try helping others in need. To lose a young life is so tragic, and makes no sense. Believe me, my whole family is greiving our loss, and life will never be the same. But I hope as time passes you will learn to be happy again.

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