My Brother My Friend My inspiration

My brother Michael stepped into a landslide when he was 17 that he couldn't step out of. We threw him lifelines but he couldn't kick his addiction. He died at age 31. It's only been days since his death but I miss him so much. We tried so much to help him and the tough love approach is definitely what hurts the most right now. We all think that if we just did a little more maybe he'd be alive. Maybe blood would still run through his veins. Maybe he'd be there for one more conversation. The life of an addict is one of personal struggle and imprisonment of the mind. Logic takes a back seat to addiction. My parents loved my brother with everything they had but it wasn't enough to keep him alive. I loved him so much. I wish i did more. I wish I could take his place. He was so troubled but I saw a side of him that warmed me. He took appreciation of the little things and although his life was full of misery he still managed small glimpsing moments of brilliant happiness. These were the moments I lived for. He is forever in my heart. I want to make him proud every day. I just wish i could tell him how much he was loved and tell him that he meant more to me than he could ever imagine. A brother is a friend that nature gave you. And i hope he knows that. I hope he knows how much I loved him. And I hope he lives on through any means he can. God Rest him. MDS

Comments for My Brother My Friend My inspiration

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Oct 17, 2012
About Losing Memories
by: Anonymous

I've been having that problem too. Have you talked to a grief therapist about EMDR? Its supposed to help relieve some of the trauma partly so you can more easily access the memories. One of the reasons you might not be able to remember is every memory is associated with trauma. Work through your grief, keep crying and trying to remember every day and some more might come back. When it does, write it down.

Jul 18, 2012
Follow up
by: Anonymous

i wrote the original post a few days after my brother passed away. My heart still hurts. Its been 4 months since he passed and I find that my feelings are never the same one day to the next. It's horrible really. One day I can't stop thinking about it the next day I can't remember the little things about him. It's like the memories are locked away somewhere deep inside my head and Its too painful to get them out. I can't believe he's gone still but the world has such a cruel way about it that I never really got the chance to take the time to grieve. I was sad and depressed (still am some days) but I never was able to come to terms with his death. i know he's gone but some days it's like he was never here at all. I feel like I'm losing him all over again because the memories are inaccessible in my head. Is anyone else going through this? I already lost him I don't wanna lose the memories too.

May 31, 2012
Believe me...
by: Anonymous

My brother passed away five months ago on Dec. 18 2011. Its a long painful story im not ready to share. However i understand compleatly about not wanting to go on without him. He was exactly like my twin, but i couldnt save him from his pain/nightmare that was his life. it kills me slowly everyday, my daughter is what helps me get up everyday. I see parts of my brother in her and it helps and hurts so much. I say this because of your comment about not wanting children. My brother was there for the birth of my daughter, if i have more children i will probably be waiting for him to walk through the door with tears in his eyes telling me what a great job i did again. Its crushingly painful knowing that wont happen, but children are the gateway back to our childhood where our brothers live, your brother lives in your childhood just think about it..

May 14, 2012
It does...
by: Anonymous

I know it's hard to believe, but it does get easier. Maybe easier isn't the best word, but the pain starts to...recede. In many ways it's not really any smaller, but from a distance in time it's not so huge and looming. It no longer hangs over every waking minute, waiting to fall and crush you the second you look away. It still hurts and the hole in your heart will never be filled, but as more time's almost like a receding tide. Still there, still as endless as the ocean, but each wave of grief and pain laps not quite as high as the last one, is less likely to sweep you under, until finally there is a bit of distance between you that maybe you can try to start living in again.

You will always miss your sibling. You will always love your sibling. Some of you may go through some awful dreams where you scream out your rage at your loved one for leaving you. But it will get...better. The sun will shine again, you will smile again, even laugh, be happy. And somewhere, your sibling will be loving you and happy for you. The one thing they regret about going on to the next stage is the pain that they've caused you. Live to make them happy, because your happiness is truly important to them.

May 03, 2012
i commented before...
by: sc

and i just wanted to check in with you both to see how you are doing.

my brother will be gone 2 months on mother's day. i'm finding that all my hope died with my brother. Everything seems pointless...everything. i feel the only reason i'm alive today is that i have obligations to my take care of them, and not cause any more pain. but that seems so empty. i dont' want to have kids anymore (i'm 32) b/c i see how ugly this world is and don't want to torture another kind soul like my brother. i'm convinced that earth must actually be "hell." Rapists and murderers roam free, but my brother can't. that's BS.

i just want my brother back. i just want to hug him.

Apr 01, 2012
Oldest Sister, Youngest Brother - A Complicated Relationship
by: Anonymous

To the commenter about: you're doesn't get easier each day. I lost my brother the same way on March 14, 2012. He was 24 years old and my mom and I found his body. It was such a traumatic experience and when I get the courage enough to write about it, I will. But your story and the comments have helped me realize I am not alone in my grief. I am sure we are all consumed with the thoughts of our loved ones every waking minute. Thank you for sharing.

Mar 28, 2012
by: Anonymous

I lost my brother the same way 3/13/12. He was only 28 years old. I'm have a really difficult time coping. I hate waking up in the morning b/c I know it will be another day without him. And as the days pass I know its less and less possible that this is a nightmare that I can awake from. Everyday gets harder.

I don't know how to survive without him here. Quite frankly, I don't want to live in a world that was so cruel to him.

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