My brother, my role model, my hero - always!

by Kenisa
(NYC, NY)

My brother committed suicide almost a month ago and I still feel numb from the unforgetable call. I was on my 2nd day of vacation in another state when we got the call. My brother, my hero, my role model - had been suffering with depression for over 5 yrs. He got sick at his job as a Federal Agent. We didn't know how sick he was until a week before he did this.

I spoke to him hours before and he seemed ok - he asked me for pictures of our vacation and I emailed them to him. I was his youngest sister and he never felt confortable talking to me about his illness - he felt like he had to protect me as usual, being my big brother. It hurts in so many ways to not have him around.

I told him some months before that he was my role model and I wanted to be like him (he was very smart and kind and very successful). He got upset at my saying that and told me "don't ever be like me". He was very, very loved and it pains me to think that maybe he didn't know how much he was loved.

I'm afraid of what comes next - my mom, my sisters, and me - his wife and kids - what will we do without him around? Every Saturday we got together at my mom's place, just to hang out and talk. Father's day, thanksgiving, Christmas, New Years ?!?!

Will it get better, will we be ok?

I dont know how to grieve. I've been fortunate enough not to have lost any close family members-this is a first for me - how do I do this? How do I get thru this?