My brother who I lost on 09/20/2010

by JEN
(CHICAGO)

I MISS MY BROTHER AND I FEEL SO GUILTY EVERY DAY SINCE HE HAS PASS. IT LIKE MY MIND IS NOT LETTING ME LET GO OF HOW I FEEL. I WISH I HAD MORE TIME WITH HIM. I WISH I COULD HAVE DONE SOMETHING TO HELP HIM OR SAY SOMETHING TO HIM. I KNOW HE NOT THINKING HOW IT GOING TO AFFECT EVERYONE BUT IF I COULD HAVE TRIED THEN MAYBE IT WON'T HUNT ME DOWN MAKING ME FEEL SO GUILTY ALL THE TIME. I FEEL GUILTY BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE THAT KIND OF RELATIONSHIP WITH MY BROTHER BECAUSE I AM IN CHICAGO AND IT HARD TO STOP BY AND SAY HEY HOW THINGS GOING. PHONE CALLS AND EMAILS ARE NOT THE SAME TO ME. EVERY DAY I LOOK AT HIS PICTURES AND WONDERING WHAT THE HECK ARE YOU THINKING OF DOING THIS TO US? WONDERING WHY CAN'T YOU SEE WHAT AROUND YOU BUT NOT IN FRONT OF YOU? MY ANGER IS HOLDING ME BACK BECAUSE I CAN'T SHOW HOW I FEEL OR SAY HOW I FEEL BECAUSE IT NOT GOING TO BRING BACK MY BROTHER. EVERY TIME I LOOK AT THE PICTURES OF HIM AND I WANT TO SCREAM, I WANT TO DO WHATEVER I CAN BUT I CAN'T. BECAUSE IT NOT GOING TO BRING HIM BACK. THERE SO MUCH I WANT TO KNOW OR WANT TO ASK OR WANT THE ANSWERS I NEEDED TO HEAR OR WANT TO HEAR BUT I WON'T GET THAT. BECAUSE NO ONE HAS THE ANSWERS FOR ME. I DON'T WANT TO BELIEVE THAT MY BROTHER DID THIS BECAUSE IT NOT HIM. I SEE SO MANY PEOPLE COMMENTING ON THEIR LOVES ONES SO MANY ARE COMMITTING SUICIDE AND IT SEEMS LIKE IT HAPPENING SO OFTEN AND WONDERING WHAT KIND OF WORLD WE ARE LIVING IN? I LOVE TO HEAR STORIES ABOUT MY BROTHER AND IT HELPS ME TO KEEP HIM ALIVE. HE DOES SOME CRAZY STUFF BACK IN THE DAYS BUT HE REALLY IS A GOOD MAN AND A GOOD BROTHER,SON,AND A FATHER TOO.

I MISS YOU SO MUCH !!

Comments for My brother who I lost on 09/20/2010

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Apr 04, 2011
sorry for your loss
by: jimmy

I know what your feeling my brother committed suicide 3/3/11 AND I just cant cope I look at his pictures and i also want to scream at him WHY did you do this you had a family that loved you. but i don't know if this helps you but phone calls do help so even though you spoke on the phone at least you had that. some people don't even talk to there siblings and then when they are gone it must hurt them more. but i wish you the best and stay strong.

Jan 25, 2011
Miss my brother TOO!
by: TrishJ

I lost my brother and best friend 20 years ago. The pain is still there all these years later. I had to carry the guilt of not giving him one of my kidneys when he needed a transplant. The doctors (one of whom I was working for at the time) talked me out of it. They said he had too many other medical problems and the kidney transplant would only prolong his suffering while possibly affecting my health.
I carried such tremendous guilt~standing at his funeral thinking, "If I'd only given him my kidney he would still be here." The truth of the matter is if he would have taken better care of himself and not partied so hard in the 70's and 80's he wouldn't have needed my kidney. But I didn't think about that back then. I felt like it was my fault that he passed away. We can't look at these situations and blame ourselves. Your brother made the choice just as mine did.
Don't beat yourself up. Nobody knows why people take their own lives. The terrible pain is for the family members that remain behind. You probably never will find the answer of why your brother took his life. We lost a very good friend of ours to suicide (he was 28 years old~Christmas Eve about 18 years go). His sister calls me every Christmas Eve and cries and says, "Why did he do this?" We all have to learn to live with our pain and trust me when I say, "IT IS NOT EASY~IT'S THE HARDEST THING WE EVER HAVE TO DEAL WITH IN THIS LIFE~THE TRAGIC LOSS OF A LOVED ONE."
Somehow we will survive. I do believe in my heart that God forgives those who take their own lives. Hugs and blessings to you.

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