My Brother..

by Jen
(NY)

My brother passed away almost a year ago (he passed away on May 13th 2011) and I am finding myself often thinking about him and I am overcome with sadness. For a few years prior to his death he started having issues with drugs & alcohol. At first I was young & oblivious to his addictions but 3 years ago he had his first overdose. He made it through it and I told him I loved him and thats when my eyes were opened to his problems. He had overdosed and cheated death yet he still drank and seemed high whenever I would see him. He was an amazing funny and really good hearted person so it was hard to be 100% mad at him but I definitely began to feel angry. I wanted him to be sober and get help but I was confused on how to help...I think my parents were too along with being scared. He got in trouble with the law and had to go to rehab..he told me he was going to change his life when he got out but a month after rehab he overdosed again, this time my mom, dad and I found him in his room unresponsive and with blood on the floor, he was rushed to the hospital where he was in a coma for a few days and where our family literally cried and feared he wouldnt make it. He somehow made it through once again and we were so thankful but so scared about his future. My parents argued over what to do for him and they saw things differently while I began to feel (and maybe this will sound selfish) invisible, unimportant, angry and depressed. I love my brother and I wanted him to be happy without drugs and I wanted him to get help. I was angry because the whole thing was taking over my families lives and I felt like nothing was going to ever change. I started to distance myself ALOT and when I would see him high I would just get mad and I know he knew I felt angry about it. My brother ended up going to jail for a few months for his legal issues. I thought maybe he will change now, he had been sober a few months and to me jail seems like the worst experience. He got out of jail in jan. 2011 and in may he overdosed again and this time he didnt make it. He had a massive heart attack. I have been in immense pain ever since. Each day has gotten a little easier but if I hear a song or something makes me think of him I immediately start to cry. I just have such a overwhelming amount of guilt and sadness about all of this. I miss him so much..he was my best friend growing up and I feel like I abandoned him when he was truly in need of someone. I feel horrible that he felt so alone and sad about his life that he did drugs. I just don't know what to do. It doesnt help that I am confused about my thoughts on heaven and god and faith. I really want to believe but I just don't know. I just had to get my thoughts out so thank you for reading and if anyone has advice and can relate to my situation please respond. I really need help right now.

Comments for My Brother..

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Mar 12, 2012
addiction
by: rayolife

I have a son, Jay who is an addict, he's 37 yrs old. His brother David, 28 at the time, was killed 3 1/2 years ago. I hoped it would change Jay to become a better person, but it hasn't. Life with an addict is HELL. Jay has been like this for 23 years! Read positive and encouraging books, attend AL-Anon or NAR-Anon meetings, research information on the internet. Addicts are just impossible to deal with, why they choose to ruin their lives and the lives of their family members, I will never understand. But remember, it was THEIR CHOICE to be that way, and there's nothing you can do about it but show them unconditional love.

Mar 11, 2012
TO JAN N.Y
by: SHARON LONDON

Hey Jan,Your story made me cry because I too lost my brother on February 8th 2011,and he also struggled with addiction. I understand exactly how you feel and know how much it hurts. I blamed myself for a long time because I was the big sister who was supposed to look out for her little brother and felt I failed him,however much I tried to get him to stop he just could not. It is easy for us to say you just need to stop,why won't you get help but for them the withdrawal is so painful and miserable and I think when they are sick too,they are just not strong enough to cope with the enormous task of giving up the one thing that they think makes things better. I cry most days because I miss him so much,like your brother he was funny and kind,he made me laugh so much,he was nuts. People like that leave a dirty great hole in your life that can never be filled. Jan none of this is your fault,your brother had to be the one to say I need help,and of course you were angry with him,you loved him and wanted him to be well.The sheer waste of losing someone so young makes things seem so much worse too. You cry as much as you like,I find it helps.I thank god every day that I had my brother in my life,all be it not long enough,and I know he would want me to make the most of my life and enjoy every minute of it. I am sure your brother would want the same for you. I think if they could speak to us they would say "hey I messed up,now you need to live life for the two of us and go for it". I hope you find peace Jan and I wish you all the luck in the world. Love Sharon x (I will check out this website from time to time,and we can keep in touch)

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