My Brother

by Gary

I found my 59 year old brother July 16th 2012. He was 59 years old. I am 56 and he was the last member of my immediate family' I am married and have young children but I feel I loved my brother more. My friend, my confident, the love of my life. We both drank. I believe drinking had a part in his sudden death. I was angry at him for yelling at me on fourth of july for drinking too much,,,which I did.
I feel very,very guilty for being angry with him,,,my best friend. Maybe my example of drinking helped him to drink also. He was a diabetic. I believe if I was there for him, he would not have died. I no longer want to live and hate myself for being cruel.
We were away for the weekend he died. His phone was busy and I found him on a Monday. We spoke Friday and he said he'd watch the house and feed the dogs. No problem he said and we were very friendly.
I tried to rouse his deceased body, coroner said 12 to 36 hours. No autopsy, even though I wanted one. He said death was natural but I don't know what killed my brother. Diabetes, alcohol or my neglect of him,
I am on Prozack and have had counseling, but I still feel guilty for my brother's death.
I actually WANT TO GO TO **LL if I hurt my brother in any way.
He was always,,,always there for me.
I miss him so much! He talked to me like no other. What a black,empty hole. All I do is teach, eat, read and go to bed. I hate everything.
Any advice??? I am drinking again. I can't stop but I believe I can control it. The last drink I had was on his discovery and I was sober for a year and a half and now am back. I am controlling myself.
Why did he have to die. I lost my mom and dad to dreadful diseases and we never recovered from that!!!! Now I lost my brother and my childhood home,
I can't take anymore disappointment.

If you have any advice, or would like to speak with me, please advise me. I feel my life is over. I even quit my religion as we prayed fervently all our lives,,,,,for what???
There are so many bums and druggies living perfect lives. This is so unfair..... Help

Comments for My Brother

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Nov 28, 2013
by: dianne

gary I am so sorry for your loss I know the hurt despair and emptiness you feel as I to lost a very special person he was my 21 year old son passed away in his sleep no illnesses that I knew off just went sleep and never woke up so how you feel I know exactly and my heart goes out to you alls we can do is take each day as it comes and hopefully in time the emptiness we feel lessens we will always have a special place in our hearts for our loved ones I used to pray that my children were kept safe in our hearts I questioned religion after losing paul but I believe again in the hope that when it is my turn to go I will see paul waiting for me so I can give him a hug and kiss that I long to so much.I imagine your brother would not want you to be feeling as you do and would be telling you stay strong so do that in your brothers memory big hug to you gary hope you start to feel a little better in time you will always have your brother in your heart and think of the good times you shared with each other remember the laughter you shared hope this helps you x

Nov 28, 2013
My brother
by: Anonymous

Very difficult for you. You are not to blame. Be gentle with yourself you could not be there all the time. Forgive yourself remember your last words were on good terms.

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