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My Dad

by Susie
(Ontario, Canada)

My name is Susie. I am 38 years old. This past Dec. 20, 2008, I lost my dad to cancer. He had been fighting kidney cancer for 2 years, and all of a sudden, after what seemed like a time where he was doing ok, he landed in the hospital. We were told there was no hope, and we decided to take him off the breathing machine. We sat with him for 7 hours, and he finally succumbed. It was quiet, painless, and uneventful. He just never woke up. My sister and I held his hand, and he was gone. Just like that.

It broke my heart to walk out of the hospital room and back to our lives, and leave him there. I didn't really have the nerve to say the things to him that I always thought I'd say at that moment. I just couldn't. And now, I'm afraid that he didn't know how much he was loved.

I went through the next couple days doing all the things you do, and then the real grief came. And there are days now, like today, where it's brought me to my knees, and I barely function.

I love your website, I've spent lots of time here lately, and thanks to you, I know I'm not crazy, and it's okay. All these things I'm feeling and thinking are allowed, because I lost my daddy, and for all his faults he was mine, and I love him. I have people I can talk to, even my husband says I can always talk about my dad to him, but I feel like its private.

It's my grief and I need to be alone with it.... I am just feeling it, and letting it wash over me whenever it wants. Each day, when I stop crying, I feel a little lighter, a little less sad, but I almost take comfort in knowing that tomorrow, or the next day, those waves of sadness will come back. I talk to my dad, and tell him I'm sorry for turning off the machine.

I can feel that I'm just going through the motions of my daily life; my daughters need me and so does my husband, so when they are at school and work, that is my time to just let go.

I look forward to thinking about my dad without crying, and getting back to being happy, but I know I will never be healed, and I guess that's ok too. I will be the same again, but different, because I lost my dad.

Thank you so much for this wonderful site, and thank you for reading this.

Comments for
My Dad

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I miss my Dad
by: Cathy

I too lost my Dad to cancer and I too, understand that terrible empty heavy feeling as you walk out of the hospital leaving him behind. My Dad was 80, which many will say was a good age. However he was a young 80 and he spent the last years of his life caring for my Mum who has dementia, and also helping me with my 6 and 4 year old boys, no easy task.

During this time Mum gave him black eyes, abused him, hated him and generally made his life hell, yet he steadfastedly refused help. I have never been a religious person but I believe God saw the only way out for my Dad was to give him cancer.

Dad lasted just less than 3 months from diagnosis, my brother and I nursed him at home with my Mum in respite. I still feel I should have done more and been more patient, but thank you God for giving me the chance to do what I did.

My Dad should be a Saint for what he did for my Mum, it is so unfair that he spent his last years struggling to care then went first. I admire my Dad more than anyone else and will always love and remember him.
Thank you Bonnie
by: susie

I'm so sorry for your loss............I'm just really sorry.
That's It Exactly
by: Bonnie

Susie,
Your words explained exactly how I have felt since my Dad passed away November 25th. He had his second heart attack on November 14th and that night his youngest granddaughter, Katie, was killed in a car accident. Katie stopped by the hospital to see him on her way to a football game. Last thing he said to her was, "Katie, don't drive too fast."

She drove too fast and missed a curve. She was 17 yrs old and would have graduated this May. Katie's funeral was on November 22nd (Mom and Dad's 61st anniversary) and Dad was buried the following Saturday. He lasted 11 days after Katie and we never told him. The doctors said it would serve no purpose.

The day we moved him from the hospital to a nursing facility, he passed away. Now I wish we had not moved him. He was my hero and I will miss him every day for the rest of my life.

I agree with you that this is a wonderful web site. I wrote a poem "The Sadness Behind the Eyes" and it is posted under the Music & Poetry section of this web site. There is a picture of Katie and Dad together. Now they are together in Heaven. Remember you are not alone and the days will get better, but you will never forget. Bless you.

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