My name is Susie. I am 38 years old. This past Dec. 20, 2008, I lost my dad to cancer. He had been fighting kidney cancer for 2 years, and all of a sudden, after what seemed like a time where he was doing ok, he landed in the hospital. We were told there was no hope, and we decided to take him off the breathing machine. We sat with him for 7 hours, and he finally succumbed. It was quiet, painless, and uneventful. He just never woke up. My sister and I held his hand, and he was gone. Just like that.
It broke my heart to walk out of the hospital room and back to our lives, and leave him there. I didn't really have the nerve to say the things to him that I always thought I'd say at that moment. I just couldn't. And now, I'm afraid that he didn't know how much he was loved.
I went through the next couple days doing all the things you do, and then the real grief came. And there are days now, like today, where it's brought me to my knees, and I barely function.
I love your website, I've spent lots of time here lately, and thanks to you, I know I'm not crazy, and it's okay. All these things I'm feeling and thinking are allowed, because I lost my daddy, and for all his faults he was mine, and I love him. I have people I can talk to, even my husband says I can always talk about my dad to him, but I feel like its private.
It's my grief and I need to be alone with it.... I am just feeling it, and letting it wash over me whenever it wants. Each day, when I stop crying, I feel a little lighter, a little less sad, but I almost take comfort in knowing that tomorrow, or the next day, those waves of sadness will come back. I talk to my dad, and tell him I'm sorry for turning off the machine.
I can feel that I'm just going through the motions of my daily life; my daughters need me and so does my husband, so when they are at school and work, that is my time to just let go.
I look forward to thinking about my dad without crying, and getting back to being happy, but I know I will never be healed, and I guess that's ok too. I will be the same again, but different, because I lost my dad.
Thank you so much for this wonderful site, and thank you for reading this.