My Darkest Hour

by Jen

My darkest hour came September 18,2013 at 4:00 p.m. My husband Lamar died in my arms in our living room. It was the moment Grief introduced itself and decided to stay, uninvited.
Lamar had just turned 65 in July. This just can't be happening my insides screamed. We had plans. We were suppose to grow old together. I am suppose to be happy, not feeling such sadness. It just wasn't suppose to be happening this way.
Lamar had 6 heart attacks. The first one at age 32. We had 5 young children at the time. Doctors said he wouldn't live to see his kids grown. Through the years Lamar had 5 more heart attacks. Trust me, when I say they weren't small. He had bypass surgery and other heart proceedures along through the years. His family had heart problems, mother, father and brother. They all died of heart attacks.
August 12,2010 we were at the E.R. There was this crazy lady named Jen (ya me)begging someone to please do something, please help my husband, please. This has got to be a mistake. His diagnosis is soooo wrong. They say he has Renal cancer. They gave him 2 wks. to 2 months to live when we took him to another hospital. It started in his kidney. They couldn't take the kidney out due to his heart being so weak. No chemo or radiation would work on this type cancer. There were chemo pills however, that we could try and we did. Cancer played with our bodies, mind and souls for, yes 3 years and 1 month. It traveled throughout his body through the renal vein attacking lungs, liver, brain, etc.
Lamar promised me he was going to make it. He was not going to die. Just like he made it through his 6 heart attacks. I believed him. He was a very strong person. Where myself and most people would have given up, Lamar never did. He loved life and fought so hard to win the battle. I'm not mad at him. I am still kind of mad at God.
In his last month our youngest son would take him to cut grass and would place him on the riding lawn mower, where Lamar rode until exhaustion over took him. Then our son would bring him home. He would return home sick and exhausted but always with a smile upon his face.
I am having a real hard time. Lamar was 65 and I am 59. We had been married for 39 years. I miss him soooo much.
This uninvited guest named Grief is driving me crazy. People that were in my life don't understand me. I don't even know who I am any more.
Our bank said I couldn't leave Lamar's name on our joint account, tag office said his van couldn't be left in his name and everyone has taken the Mr. and Mrs. off of our mail. Wow, the nerve of everyone! Angry??? I guess you could say so! But, most of all I am just so sad!!

Comments for My Darkest Hour

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Jul 31, 2014
My Darkest Hour
by: Doreen UK

Jen I am just happy to support you as much as I can. It is such a horrible place to be from losing a spouse. I too was mad with God for taking my husband. But this anger I believe is a very normal part of grief. It has been 2yrs. since I lost Steve. I can still only take ONE DAY AT A TIME. But one does heal and recover from grief even if it is a slow process. I often wish that we all on this site could meet up and hug each other. Often we just need that physical presence.
I hope that you are finding life a bit easier. You have I believe 5 young children. They will be such a blessing to you, but not having the support of a partner/husband will be so hard and difficult to live with. I hope you have good support from family and friends, as this does help us through our grief journey.
Today is my son's 3rd, wedding anniversary, and Steve made it for the wedding though very ill. The wedding was in a castle in the U.K. and a very special wedding and venue. It is the photo from this wedding that is on Steve's grave. When visiting yesterday it hurt to see that picture. It is these anniversaries that will be constant reminders of what we have lost.
May God go with you and your family and Bless you every day, with Comfort, Peace, and Loving support.

Jul 30, 2014
Doreen
by: Jen

Wow, I haven't checked back with this site in over a month I see. Doreen, I don't know what happened but I sent you a thank you note too when I sent Lawrence one. Seems yours didn't show up here. I appreciate all you said in your response. Your words were very helpful! Thanks for the story about Max Lucado too. Doreen if I were your neighbor I would help you free of charge when ever I could. I hate to hear of people getting ripped off especially someone in your situation. Doreen you seem to be soooo helpful to a lot of people. God bless you and THANK YOU!!

Jun 30, 2014
Thanks
by: Jen

Lawrence, hopefully this website will do the same for me and it will ease my agony too. Yes, the contributions and comments are comforting to me also.
Before contributing my story though, I had to visit the website in spurts at first, because being an extra sensitive person I would start to feel everyone elses pain on top of mine. So I just read 1 or 2 in spurts until I was able to handle the painful stories. I'm ok with it now though or should I say better at it.
Yes, to seek acceptance that I am now alone is very hard for me right now.
Wow, 70 years. That is awesome. Someone said to me, "you should be thankful. You had 39 years together. Most people don't get near that!" (alrighty then, I'll try to remember that) Another one of those crazy sayings well meaning humans say that push us grieving humans over the edge.
Lawrence, you are right. Humans can't understand unless they have lost a deeply loved one themselves. People are well meaning with their sayings and are just trying to help but, when in GRIEF, GRRRRRR!!!
I believe my darkness has lightened up just a tad.
Thank you for your helpful comments.

Jun 28, 2014
My Darkest Hour
by: Doreen UK

Jen this will be the worst experience of your life. Losing a spouse is harder on us than we could ever imagine. In fact you could never imagine the grief pain. You feel it will last forever. I lost my husband of 44yrs. to a rare and aggressive cancer 2yrs. ago. I nursed him for 3yrs. 39days and then he died. I was angry with God because I believed God would heal him. It wasn't until recently that I heard Max Lucado talk about his fathers death and how he prayed for healing. God healed him by taking him home. I then felt a release from my hurt. We only get mad at God because we see God as our Protector and deliverer from even death. But God will destroy death forever when He comes back. Till then we will keep losing loved ones. I couldn't function for 6 months and just having some easier days now. We had 3 children who are all adults now and living their own lives. The loneliness and the emptiness are so hard to live with. After death we are so busy planning the funeral, changing all the paperwork which is immense. Names off bank accounts, gas and electric bills, etc. It is such a heavy load. Some days I felt I couldn't cope with the load but God must have carried me through this. I am so busy getting the repairs done to the house which is immense since Steve died. He did all the repairs. I had to clean out his garage. What a job this was. 47yrs. of hoarding. I have just painted the hallway at 66yrs of age and it was painful. Don't have the same energy and stamina, But I have to do it to save money. Tradesmen are ripping me off.
You wonder how you will go on in life. Taking one day at a time is the only way. God is with us in our DARKEST HOURS.

Jun 28, 2014
Sympathy
by: Lawrence


Hi Jen,
like yourself, I am continually drawn back to this web site, I do it because somehow it eases the agony of losing my precious wife, it gives to me a shot of comfort to read everybody’s contributions and comments and to know that I am not alone and one day I will leave this terrible valley of grief and perhaps do, as I’m sure my lovely wife would have wanted, to seek acceptance that I am now alone..
Someone suggested yesterday that as it is eighteen months since my sweetheart died that I should think about remarrying
I quietly told him that she was the first girl I ever kissed and the last on her deathbed when I closed her eyes and thanked her for a wonderful seventy years of love, and that I have no desire to kiss anyone else.
Needless to say he couldn't understand but as you know, you have to lose a deeply loved one before you can ever understand.
I hope your darkest hour has lightened up a bit.
Best wishes.
Lawrence


Jun 27, 2014
My Darkest Hour
by: Jen

Something is drawing me back to this site. What I'm not quite sure of. I'm feeling like an ancient large wooden school chalkboard that's been in the attic for years. On Sept. 18,2013 something drug me from the attic down the flight of attic stairs. It wasn't a gentle ride down. It was fast and bumpy. While in the attic I was covered in writing. My last 39 years written all over it. But, when I reached the bottom of the stairs someone or something took an eraser and erased it all. Must have been 4 p.m. My whole life erased. What must I do? My whole life erased in a second. Rewrite it some might say. I don't know if I can. Don't know how to.

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