My Darkest Hour
My darkest hour came September 18,2013 at 4:00 p.m. My husband Lamar died in my arms in our living room. It was the moment Grief introduced itself and decided to stay, uninvited.
Lamar had just turned 65 in July. This just can't be happening my insides screamed. We had plans. We were suppose to grow old together. I am suppose to be happy, not feeling such sadness. It just wasn't suppose to be happening this way.
Lamar had 6 heart attacks. The first one at age 32. We had 5 young children at the time. Doctors said he wouldn't live to see his kids grown. Through the years Lamar had 5 more heart attacks. Trust me, when I say they weren't small. He had bypass surgery and other heart proceedures along through the years. His family had heart problems, mother, father and brother. They all died of heart attacks.
August 12,2010 we were at the E.R. There was this crazy lady named Jen (ya me)begging someone to please do something, please help my husband, please. This has got to be a mistake. His diagnosis is soooo wrong. They say he has Renal cancer. They gave him 2 wks. to 2 months to live when we took him to another hospital. It started in his kidney. They couldn't take the kidney out due to his heart being so weak. No chemo or radiation would work on this type cancer. There were chemo pills however, that we could try and we did. Cancer played with our bodies, mind and souls for, yes 3 years and 1 month. It traveled throughout his body through the renal vein attacking lungs, liver, brain, etc.
Lamar promised me he was going to make it. He was not going to die. Just like he made it through his 6 heart attacks. I believed him. He was a very strong person. Where myself and most people would have given up, Lamar never did. He loved life and fought so hard to win the battle. I'm not mad at him. I am still kind of mad at God.
In his last month our youngest son would take him to cut grass and would place him on the riding lawn mower, where Lamar rode until exhaustion over took him. Then our son would bring him home. He would return home sick and exhausted but always with a smile upon his face.
I am having a real hard time. Lamar was 65 and I am 59. We had been married for 39 years. I miss him soooo much.
This uninvited guest named Grief is driving me crazy. People that were in my life don't understand me. I don't even know who I am any more.
Our bank said I couldn't leave Lamar's name on our joint account, tag office said his van couldn't be left in his name and everyone has taken the Mr. and Mrs. off of our mail. Wow, the nerve of everyone! Angry??? I guess you could say so! But, most of all I am just so sad!!