My darling son

by S

April 28th 2012, 16.37pm I received the phone call that was to change my life forever!

Stuart had argued with his fiance the previous night and had taken himself off to the attic to calm down, 17hrs later she rang me....he hadn't been out of the room for a drink, to eat or use the bathroom, she hadn't heard him moving around so 17 hrs later she decides she's going to ring me!

I tried ringing Stuart but in my heart I knew something was horribly wrong. I drove myself, my husband, Stus step dad, my daughter and youngest son straight to their house where she was stood in her pyjamas! I ran upstairs to the attic while my husband found something to break the door down with....

I will never forget seeing my beautiful boy as he was when we found him....the pain I feel every minute of every day is killing me. My other adult children are coping...just, but my husband keeps telling me "to get over it...move on..". How can I move on when inside I'm dying? My beautiful Stuart was only 26, he had his whole life ahead of him. It was totally out of character for him to do something like this, I can't accept it, I feel so guilty, so lost, so alone. My husband tells me to talk to him but when I do the conversation always has to be about him, not my feelings, not my pain or guilt, not even Stu. But him, and everything about him.

Comments for My darling son

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Mar 29, 2013
by: S

Thankyou all for your comforting words, it means so much. What is left of my heart goes out to all those who have lost someone to suicide.

Mar 28, 2013
by: Anonymous

i am in the same position as you, my husband who is my sons step father says the same to me, i keep telling him if it was the other way around and it was one of his children i would be over it by now and i totally understand, but he is not in my shoes and your husband is not in your shoes, they are fed up of seeing us so unhappy, fed up offeeling so helpless. I love my husband but he cannot understand what I/you are feeling. It is so horrible and I wonder when I will ever feel able to move on, it has been 17months and 4 days now since i lost my son and i feel my life will forever be sad until the day i can join him. I feel for you so much, as you will me, all we can do is be strong for each other and everyone else on this site, your needs must come first, he has to deal with his emotions - you dont have room in you for any more emotions. One tiny step at a time and do whatever feels right at the time, it is YOU that is important, dont waste energy on other peoples emotions. Grief is so individual. Do what feels right for you be it counselling, crying, whatever xxx

Mar 25, 2013
by: Eba

Soooooooooooooooooo sorry for your loss ,no one can help you to forget him and you will never do , I lost my youngest beautiful handsome and very polite so due to OD ,,he died on the 2/12/2011 and till now not even one hour not one day passes without remembering him ,,well now am much better then last tow years but it's still hurt ,I wish you to heal ,,,love you and I wish to hug you and cry with you

Mar 25, 2013
your son
by: Kate

You came to the right place. On here we all fell the loss,anger,hurt,pain and sorrow of death! We hate it. Death is the worst enemy! It rips your heart out and My son died In Nov. I will never be the same. You wont either,it will change you as a mother no one knows that deep connection. i really beg God to help me. Its hard. Voice you feelings here where we understand and feel as you do,go to grief meetings at a church,work at your grief. We must because others need us.
Im so sorry you know this deep loss of your child as I do. God help us all.

Mar 25, 2013
by: Debi

S -

First, let me say that I am so very sorry for the loss of your son Stuart. I can only imagine the pain that you have been going through. There is nothing like a mothers love for her child and it is only natural for the way you are feeling. No one has the right to tell you to get over it - you are grieving. My cousin (who is more like a sister to me)lost her son to suicide going on 8 years now. He was only 30 but could not deal with his fiance - the fights, her cruelty to him. He too had so much to live for, many friends, loving's normal to wonder why? I know that he is never far from my cousins mind.

I wish you comfort and peace.


Mar 25, 2013
My darling son
by: Doreen U.K.

I am sorry for your loss of your son Stuart. It sounds as if Stuart had difficulty when confronting issues so do what many men do. Go into their cave to sort out in their own way how to go on. Stuart took a drastic step to process his feelings which cost him his life. Couldn't he have rung someone? He must have had a sensitive nature which meant he had to be manly and mature in sorting out his own problems without involving anyone else. There will be so many unanswered questions as to how you move on without the support of a husband or other family who are now grieving and need support.
In your case the best thing you can do is find yourself a CRUSE bereavement counsellor and this would be the first good step to trying to resolve your issues of this loss and coping with a very difficult grief.
If you don't have the support of your husband it sounds as if he is very needy and cannot take on your issues as well which is why he is behaving as if he doesn't care. You are struggling because you now need support and can't get it. Counselling is the best place. You will become stronger. You will get the support you need and you will then be in a better position to deal with the family and an evasive perhaps somewhat self centred husband who could also do with his own counselling.
Counselling does work. If you get the right counsellor. You could also do counselling just for you. Your own SPACE to talk about Stuart and what his death has done to you and left you feeling. You would also be able to talk about what is happening inside the family that is causing your husband to behave the way he is. What usually happens is everyone is hurting. And everyone is trying to be heard. And no one can get their needs met. It all falls on your head and you are the one left frustrated and very ALONE with your grief and don't know where to turn for support because your other children are also grieving and no one wants to tread on each other's toes.
You could target your GP to get you a referral or you could self refer. But do it for yourself. I am sure you won't regret this and you will soon find things change in the family. Everyone will be less sensitive. When a family is hurting some members cannot take on the problems of another within the framework of their family so sensitivity is high, and some family members isolate themselves into their own world and so this is the start of everyone going their own way or doing their own thing so they don't upset anyone. Your husband is snapping at you telling you to get over the death, not realising this is hurtful to you. You probably cannot understand this attitude. After seeing a bereavement counsellor you will soon find things change for the better.

Mar 25, 2013
Dear S.
by: Pat

I am so sorry for your loss. Losing a child to suicide is one of the most horrible things I can think of. Please know that everyone grieves differently. Your feelings are just as normal as how the rest of your family is dealing with it. Actually, your feelings are much closer to normal than those who are saying "get over it." What they are doing will lead to disenfranchised grief. Grief is not something that you just get over. You learn to deal with it, but you will never get over it. Those who suppress their feelings will experience physical illness or serious depression at some later time. Because the others aren't much help to you, I think you should try to go to a grief support group and possibly a counselor. The great thing about a grief support group is that everyone there is also dealing with a loss. They will be supportive. You can lean on them. A counselor will be able to help you on a 1:1 basis.

There is absolutely no reason for you to feel guilty. You have no idea what your son might have been going through. He was clearly deeply depressed about something. I hope you will get the help he did not. It can also help you find some of the answers you are seeking.

Your husband is obviously having trouble dealing with this loss too or he wouldn't be monopolizing the conversations when you try to talk to him. He needs help too. I doubt the argument your son and his fiancee had really had anything to do with the action he took. It was a symptom of something else much deeper. To start with you might try for resources. I do not know the resources in the UK, but I'm sure there are churches, community and mental health centers, as well as hospices, which offer help for those who are grieving. It will honor your son to seek help so that you can resolve the answers you are seeking and find happiness again. You cannot do this alone. Please seek help. I wish you the best and send my blessings. Pat

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